Home

I can't help but feel like this place is becoming less and less like my home. It's almost as if the more nights I spend away from here, the more it's becoming a living space for other people. I would sleep in my bed, but there would certainly still be people in here when I feel tired. I'm afraid of my homework starting to pile up, because I won't even be able to come in here and find solace like I used to be able to. It's not really mine here any more, and maybe I have myself to blame, but at the same time I'd like to think people should just respect me anyway. I know I didn't have much respect before, but I thought because I'd started standing up for myself it would come a little bit more easily. I know I was wrong in thinking that.

These people are the taking advantage type. They don't really consider what I may feel about it. They probably just try to blame it on her, but it's not that at all. I want to be with her when I'm with her. If you're reading this, if you can see that, stop saying she's changing me, because I'm doing all of this because I want to, and because it's better for me than being here. If you think I'd be better off staying up all night and ignoring school, and forgetting what some kind of peaceful alone time is, you're wrong. I liked what my life was when I was really home. This room has become some kind of distorted public living space for anyone who cares to come in. I have things in here I'd rather not have traipsed on by anyone who chooses. It's not that I don't trust the people in here, I just don't think they'd respect it the way I'd want them to.

Could I go back to how it was when I wasn't with her? Would I want to? Go back to grinding my head into books and only playing video games and watching movies to relieve myself? No, not a chance. There's so much more to this city to relieve me, and to take the sloth from my blood. To make me into a productive person again. Just recently I've been writing almost two blogs a day, and all because my productivity's coming back to me. I'm not held down or held back or worried about my actions anymore. It's sad that I would be judged for everything I did back then. I had to conform because that's what being in a clique is all about. I don't want that.

I wouldn't say I'm upset that I can't just sit in here anymore. This is the first time I've been alone in this room, or actually able to sit in this room without ten others around me. It's nice yes, but it's sort of a temporary solace. I know I sound like I'm complaining about this a lot, but truthfully, everything else in my life is going quite swimmingly.

That's all I'd like to say about that.

- Jeff

p.s. - This blog is receiving considerably more traffic than my CD review blog, and I'm glad some people are more interested in just hearing about my life.

Hate Mail

If you haven't noticed, I've been trying a little less hard to be perfect. If you've noticed, it matters a little less to me if everyone likes me. If you've noticed, you probably like me a little less. It seems like lately I'm weeding out all the people that don't actually like me, the people that don't actually like to be around. If you've noticed, I've almost completely stopped getting the few text messages asking me to just hang out. If you've noticed, I think I have a few less friends now, which is sad, but I guess if I have to push and ask to spend time with everyone, I'll end up spending no significant time with anyone.

"A friend to all is a friend to none" - Aristotle.

If there's been a time when I really wish everyone was on my side, it would have to right now now now, but if you noticed, my side is getting less and less full of people. It seems like an enternity ago that I actually had some one that didn't really need me for something. I think I've got a few left, but the door's been open for awhile, and all I've felt is a slow breeze filtering out. Don't think this is for pity, don't flood me with compassion, because it's overdue, and at this point I'm not sure who's where and who should be where they are.

I know I'm a busy person, I know this is probably mostly my fault, but it's strange the side of people that you see. It's strange that you see the side you saw before in a completely different light now that you're on the side of me where the grass is greener and you're out of my seldom used claw's reach. I'm standing here, waiting, but who knows what might happen if any of us ever got close again.

Here I was naive, thinking graduation wouldn't be so bad, that I wouldn't drift slowly away from each other on the ocean of reality that's coming flooding in. With sails filled with pride we're drifting faster than normal, and it seems like the only direction to choose is away. Off we'll go and in the fading image we'll catch a glimmer of what once was. We'll catch each other at the 10, 15, 25 year reunions, look back on what we all had. Right now is that gap between memory and the future. Right now is that part that almost everyone forgets anyway.

"Throwing punches, at ocean waves" - The gift of paralysis, Evny On the Coast.

I've gotten calls from restricted numbers the last couple of days, and every time I sort of hope it's some one I haven't talked to in a long time, some one who wants to just be friends like we used to be, but it sort of never is. Again, this isn't for pity, don't call me. I wonder if I'm pushing people away, subconciously holding everything at arms length to keep them just far enough away to let go a little bit easier, once again, it would be subconcious, it's not like I'm going to remember today, yesterday of the distant tomorrow anyway, at least not when reunion time comes around.

I've got about a million things I'd love to share with the world, roughly give or take a million, but I don't think any of it will get out there, because at this point I don't know if anyone's listening. If any one actually cares anymore unless I'm saying something malignant about some one else. Do we thrive on spite so much that we love to see them suffer through some one elses words? I think not. For those of you I have said something terrible about, I could say I'm sorry if I was, but I shared my feelings exactly as they were, and that's something I seldom do. If you feel differently about me because of it, then do so. As I said, I'm trying a little less to make everyone like me. It's a little less important to me right now.

"Come to you so clearly, but you don't want to hear me." - Nobody's Listening, Linkin Park.

The world is ready to accept me but I don't know if I can accept it right now. Looking into the thirty year old eyes of myself I wonder what it is exactly that I'm thinking feeling wishing. Do I still have friends? Have I found some sort of somber solace in my on solitude. Do I sit alone in a study with a notebook? I doubt it, I'm a socialite and heart and that'll never change, but I don't know who's in those eyes, which people have been carried in my heart. If I could retain some of the memory of what I have right now, I hope I carry with me this strange feeling. This strange emotion of a swaying screen door and the shouts of angry goodbyes.

As I walk out this door, who knows what could truly become of me, but is anyone looking back to check? I guess I'll find out at the 10, 20, 25 year reunion.

Kin

You said you should have a guest spot in my blog. You were right. It was the moment that we started being friends that mom and dad started to really disagree with me, and that's good, because then, now, that's what I wanted, some measure of separation. You told me to not care about what mom said. You were right right right. It helped more then you could have known. It gave me that little bit of distance and let me grow up and become some one.So thank you, and I appreciate it, and it means a lot. You became a catalyst for the maturity I took on as a pastel to compliment my psyche. Don't think it's a bad thing that you got me to grow up grow up act my age. I made the mistakes I've made out of my own weakness in character, so don't take too much of that into consideration, really, it's mostly my fault. So don't lay the blame anywhere, me me me.

Do you know I'm talking about you yet? Sister? Because I have been. It was all the happiness in the world when we started driving places in your car and I drove shotgun. That's the seat of a young fellah. That's where I stopped being just your little brother. I was like a guest in your Doctor Phil civic, and I asked all the advice a derranged guest on such a show might. You were the one with the most insightful answers. I should've figured. You were older, you've been through this that and all of it before. So you were the one that let it all come out of me and make some good decisions.

I have to thank you for the Elizabeth thing too. You always knew, all along that it wasn't right, and you were the one in the end that really helped me realize what was good for me. How what I was doing was unhealthy. It's true, it wasn't right me being there with her, being part of her life, being part of that misery. You saved me from all that because you reassured me that the sadness I was feeling wasn't right. You'd probably heard mom telling me, and me not believeing her because you're not supposed to care about what mom says. So I cut it off.

You saved me from that.

So Jay, I guess you're an avid reader? Y'know I never got the chance to tell you how much I appreciate your support. You watch all my videos, you read my blogs, you like my music. It's amazing, it's like having an older brother that actually cares. Not the incredibly harsh ones you see in so many movies. So you've become some what of a reason I keep making things. A lot of people have let the novelty wear off, but you're sticking around for one reason or another. I like that.

All the times you've let me hang out, everytime Melissa's asked you to just let me go about my way and you insisted I came and hung out with you and the guys, it was nice. I don't know if you knew, or even to this point know, but, I don't really have "boys". It's more like the crew that gets together and plays video games, and that's not very often. There's no one I really go to for anything masculin at all. It was good. You were the first one to ever offer me a beer. I was long over due, needless to say, but it was that kind of kin ship that made it bigger for me.

So you both know now, because I neglect to mention. I guess getting caught up in the throes of all of the crazy dramatics I can weave, I forget about the little things, the people to thank and let know I care. I just want to look pitied. But I need to let you two know, that it's more to me to have you two there. Like a couple of impromptu older friends. It's nice. Thank you both. So much.
 

Provincials

I found myself in a room chalked full of people today, and I found myself wondering again. Allowing my mind to wander into the aimless space it finds solitude in so many times. Looking back on the photos from the day spent in the home of a Pulamoo (the hell is a pulamoo?) I found that I didn't look as despondent as I actually was. I thought about a lot of things, which may have been chlorine induced, or may have been on account of the abundance of chlorine I absorbed in the run of that day. I met so many people, and re-met more people yet in a different light than I'd ever seen them before. It was a complicated turn of events when I saw some of the people of my past, particularly the younger sibling of some one I'd spent so much time with when I was younger.

It made me ponder mostly on the value of friendship. I remember a close friend uttering something along the lines of ''Hey Jeff, come meet my new best friend!". This new best friend of course being a student from the Rothsay High swim team who had just come to the threshold of his adulthood. He was nineteen, and this is what some one would have liked to have based the value of friendship. It was an obvious joke, and we shared a laugh about it, however what surprised me most was this boys personality once the three of us actually began to talk. It was odd how much I became to know him in such a short time, and based only on the term that he was the age that he was? Does age really have this much pull on us?

I believe earlier I mentioned some one's younger sibling. It was some one who I was extremely close to in the past, and I found myself feeling incredibly strange because, she was in fact the younger sibling. I found a barrier in this. Could I ever see it the same way to share a friendship with this one even though she was younger, and played the part of the younger sibling so well in the past? This was odd indeed. After only a few moments of sharing her pleasant company I realized the value of friendship was there present as well, just as her older sister's friendship had been. How strange it was to see some one evolve from the status of younger sister, to new found friend. I was happy and proud of this achievement. It was something phenomenal that I couldn't have wished more than to find.

Another strange occurrence was the re-met friend of a friend who lived in the area. One of the captains brought her to meet the team again, as she had two years in the past, but how a new light was shed. It was a want for kinship with this one I had. It was not a crush, that would be a silly thought for I am ever and endlessly committed to some one I share extremely strong feelings for. How could they be conquered? No this musically artistic one shed a light that made me want to simply bask in her ability as I would have those bask in my own. It was something of a inner vision of mine when I began playing and heard her sing along. I adored it, such shared emotion in only a small moment. There is a distance, and it is true I will perhaps never lay eyes on her again, but it was something fun, and perhaps I'll play music next to her again. One could only hope, for I adored her being there. One could only hope.

Josh and Jeremiah, these two shone for me as well. How many years I have known them and not valued them as I do now. They were next to me for the entire duration, but there was something more there. A tender caring I found in Watkins, and in Jeremiah a jovial soul. I have friends, of course that I spend the gist of my time with, amazing entertainers, and people I see as my brothers, people I'd gladly take a bullet for. These two others though, found their way to me, in such a way that I could never deny them kinship. Perhaps in the months to come I may know them as I know my brothers, mayhap in a different way, but still positive. I realized how much I cared for them in wishing Josh to succeed in his race. I ran from the observation room to deliver him the working goggles he so lacked, however, upon arriving I sadly only saw his back end retreating gracefully into the water. I dropped my hands to my side and sighed. Then my iPod fell out of my pocket onto the floor and into the puddle of water at my side. I contemplated becoming an hero for a couple of moments, but soon just retreated to the sanctuary of the observation room.

The friends I've made, I hope to keep them at my side. My brothers, I have decided to bring to me closer than I ever have before, and my love, I hope to bring to tears with the passion of my motion and kiss. One I will never see again, two that will always be at my side and an impromptu sibling that became a friend in only a few moments of improvised speech. A successful run of events, something terrific I find. I hope that some day I will see them in this light again. I can only hope the artist I found returns though. That one of the foremost.