Home

I can't help but feel like this place is becoming less and less like my home. It's almost as if the more nights I spend away from here, the more it's becoming a living space for other people. I would sleep in my bed, but there would certainly still be people in here when I feel tired. I'm afraid of my homework starting to pile up, because I won't even be able to come in here and find solace like I used to be able to. It's not really mine here any more, and maybe I have myself to blame, but at the same time I'd like to think people should just respect me anyway. I know I didn't have much respect before, but I thought because I'd started standing up for myself it would come a little bit more easily. I know I was wrong in thinking that.

These people are the taking advantage type. They don't really consider what I may feel about it. They probably just try to blame it on her, but it's not that at all. I want to be with her when I'm with her. If you're reading this, if you can see that, stop saying she's changing me, because I'm doing all of this because I want to, and because it's better for me than being here. If you think I'd be better off staying up all night and ignoring school, and forgetting what some kind of peaceful alone time is, you're wrong. I liked what my life was when I was really home. This room has become some kind of distorted public living space for anyone who cares to come in. I have things in here I'd rather not have traipsed on by anyone who chooses. It's not that I don't trust the people in here, I just don't think they'd respect it the way I'd want them to.

Could I go back to how it was when I wasn't with her? Would I want to? Go back to grinding my head into books and only playing video games and watching movies to relieve myself? No, not a chance. There's so much more to this city to relieve me, and to take the sloth from my blood. To make me into a productive person again. Just recently I've been writing almost two blogs a day, and all because my productivity's coming back to me. I'm not held down or held back or worried about my actions anymore. It's sad that I would be judged for everything I did back then. I had to conform because that's what being in a clique is all about. I don't want that.

I wouldn't say I'm upset that I can't just sit in here anymore. This is the first time I've been alone in this room, or actually able to sit in this room without ten others around me. It's nice yes, but it's sort of a temporary solace. I know I sound like I'm complaining about this a lot, but truthfully, everything else in my life is going quite swimmingly.

That's all I'd like to say about that.

- Jeff

p.s. - This blog is receiving considerably more traffic than my CD review blog, and I'm glad some people are more interested in just hearing about my life.

New Game

There comes a time where you have to get into a new style, get into a new game. This is what we're all trying to do every day of our lives. Upgrade upgrade upgrade. We walk around in our small entourages and hope to some day be leading it if only for a minute or two because we've taken on a new style, a new game.

You face judgement too though, and I'm learning not to be afraid of that. I used to hate it when anyone would think anything of me other than what I intended them to think, but now I understand what this is. I see this as my own fault for not letting me become, well me. I mold myself into something that everyone likes. This causes me to become a pushover, causes very few people to appreciate me for what I am causes me to be a very lonely person sometimes. But this is okay, because it's better to have one friend who appreciates you than several who talk about you behind your back and say very mean things about your character when you're not looking. Thus is the reason as to why I'm fully ready to start new and start fresh and start to make some changes.

CHANGE 1

No more being aware of people making shit up about me behind my back and staying silent. I'm about to speak up, and speak up in an angry and justified voice.

CHANGE 2

This is my space too, and I'm tired of having it violated without my permission. Everything will be locked and stowed until I say otherwise.

CHANGE 3

I probably won't even sleep here anymore, I'd rather be with her every night, because she listens, and she doesn't make fun of me when I'm not around, and she doesn't think terrible things about my character. If I come home and some one is in my bed sleeping without my permission, they will have a brief moment of reckoning and find themselves on the much less comfortable floor.

CHANGE 4

I'm going to stop just writing these things on the internet and take action on them for once in my fluffy life. I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I just want to be home at this point, because that's where Fisher is.

If your nickname refers to a tasty pastry, this doesn't apply to you, you may think it does, because you spend a lot of time with the people who were saying a lot of the things that bothered me. You've been quite the good friend lately, and so has your roommate. I'm sorry if you took offence to any of this.