Merry Christmas

So, it's the christmas season, as you all very well know, and this would be the reason for my lack of updates, which I apologize sincerely for. before I get into my rant on christmas, and my explinaton of my love of it, I need to make a few very neccesary apologies. In the last blog I wrote, I understand some things were misinerpreted, and were surely taken in such a way that they should not have been. Also, I need to apologize to some one I generalized in a group, there's something very wrong about the way I mentioned them

First of all, I owe an apology to the efigy of Aphrodite that I have been blessed with. She's Julianna, as you may have guessed, and I know I upset her with something I wrote, and how I worded it in a previous post. The word replaced was used, in some sense, and it was taken in the wrong context. My choice of words was such on account of the way on referred to our relationship. They told me I had replaced Elizabeth with Julianna, and I was trying to show this person just how wrong they were be using their own terms in what I thought was a light favoring Julianna. For anyone who did misinerpret it, I hope you see this. I love her, Julianna, with more heart than most could know. It brings chills to my mind to tell her I love her, her beauty, her art, her voice, and her ever peircing and knowing eyes. If our relationship was a ''rebound'' as some have deemed it, she would have seen through such a facade, as many others would have. She is more to me than that, she makes me happy, in every moment I spend with her, perpetually am I jovial and content, if not overjoyed while she is in my presence. I am graced, and blessed, to have her choose some one such as me, and to have her give me a chance to explain what she read and was wrongly considering.

The second apology goes to Jessica McCormick. In the last post I generalized JEESH and their actions, however Jessica played no part in it. She is pure of soul and intention and still remains very true to the friendship she pledged to me in the past. I owe her more than she could know, her insights have seen me through many a peril. It is a sin if she had read the last post. I fear I may never apology rightfully enough if she had. If any think wrongly of her, do not, for she is a blessing in herself, and any friend of hers is extremely lucky.

Now, I may digress and explain christmas, as it is viewed by me, your humble narrator. To me, this time, the time spent amoung family and friends is irreplacable, however working as I did through the break I found some trepidation in the exploitation that some sought in it. It was a terrible thing to see how people were thrashing and cursing in my grocery store at such a joyous time, and it pained me to see the lonesome expressions shared on some of the faces of my peers. I wished to bring such happiness to all those around me, however the ability to do so eluded me far too often, and I apologize for not being capable enough.

My family is bonding more than ever now, and I see the stress acting as a prelude to this time is the reason they were angry with me, and I apologize for the hurtful words said about them, they had all the right to think irrationally, even quickly to my malignant actions. I thank them very much for the tolerance they showed me. My father is putting a step forward in relating with me, standing in my defence, taking part in my jokes, showing more of the semblence mentioned in an earlier blog. I wish I would have gotten him the cook book I had planned on, it would have been something we could've taken part in together, however many occasions still rest for me to share in this experience with him.

I saw many of my relatives, and found to love them even more than ever. I believe I am transitioning far into maturity at this point, I admired my gifts more than ever, and thought it extravagent and mindless that so many people should spend so much money on. I would hope they saw the same joy in my gifts to them. To give, had more gravity than ever as well. This year may have been my metaphorical coming of age, and I hope this is true.

To all of you who read, I wish you a merry christmas, and I hope that you understand my apology, for I am truly and sincerely sorry for this pain. Julianna, if you do read this. I love you, and I hope you understand where I faltered. It means more to me than you could know that we resolved this..

Merry Christmas!

-Your humble narrator

Why are coats so important?

I've never, not understood, something so greatly in my short years here on this planet. I know you can call me over dramatic or whatever terrible thing you choose to call me upon reading this, but I feel this is the only real way to explain how I felt upon returning home last night. Basically, what had been a really bad day on account of work, turned into a worse day on account of my family, which turned into a colossally horrible day on account of my own thought patterns. I most likely could have avoided the entirety of my misery if I had have just not gone home, if I had refused to go home in the allotted time.

For the last two weeks, my parents have been on my back, in such a way that I cannot rid myself of the guilt they put on me. I left two coats at school, one at derrick's and Julianna has my football coat. Four coats that just aren't in the house, and my parents are outraged by it. They have been consistently taunting me and harassing me about these coats. Anyway, that's simply the preamble. After the annoyance of the lost coats, I've become the conduit of guilt in the household. Meaning, every time something is lost, broken, misplaced, or even mistaken for something else in the house, I'm the first to come to blame. I apparently lost my father's coat, and shoes. I also lost a watch that hasn't left my room in two years, not to mention the fact that I've appeared to have lost my mother's coat as well. I haven't worn any of these things in so long, that I don't remember the last time I saw them, not to mention the fact that most of the articles, besides my own, wouldn't fit me at all. This is all foolish, but it gets worse.

Last night, after having to come home from Quinn's early, I was confronted by my father. He'd actually enumerated a list of all the things I've "lost" in the last year. He didn't understand why I was so upset with him, he actually referred to his audacious confrontation as a "calm conversation" with me. Needless to say it got out of hand, and he condemned me to home until I found all the items on the list. This was just fantastic. I've been trying so hard to make common ground with my father but all he seems to care about are his TVs and possessions that go missing that aren't even his. He's pushing himself further and further away from me, and even though I ask him to work out with me, run with me, cook with me, he seems to take the liberty of doing all this without me. I'm done trying, this is the end of my attempts to make amends with that man. I can barely consider him my father anymore, he's simply my mother's enforcer.

So, upon entering the house, in a fit of rage, I got to my room as quickly as possible and threw myself onto my bed, face down. I didn't want to use my computer, or my cell phone, they were all possession given to me by my parents, who considered me to not have any respect for the possession they had given me. I didn't want to give them the benefit of the doubt and think they had anything to take away from me. Foolish, I know. I was laying there, thinking, and I began to ponder of all the pressures they put on me to do so well. All the things that I'm striving to do well, and the only appreciation I get for any of it is a pat on the back whenever my report card comes through. However, this pat on the back is always accompanied with the reminder that "You could do better, get Valedictorian, or you're not part of the family anymore." Of course they attend a couple of my concerts, however, because of my fantastic mother's critical nature, the only words I get about the shows are how badly I sang, and how I shouldn't "scream" when I'm playing any more, that it doesn't sound good. Do they support my writing? Maybe, but I'd never know, they'd never tell, they're too busy being angry with me.

So, here I was, face down on my bed, and I didn't want to talk to any one. Couldn't talk to any one, about how deep in the hole I was. I didn't want to because I've heard it so often that I knew I would just sound like I was whining. I know I've got it good, I've got more than most, but sometimes I suppose it's hard too. Julianna was in the states, but I don't find I could tell her anyway, for some reason I think that would make it less possible for her to be open with me. I thought about talking to Ashley, but I didn't want to bother her, we were on such jovial terms that I didn't want her to have to worry about simple trepidations in my life at the time. There was always Becky, but she has enough to worry about... I didn't want to make her have part of my burden, she seems to take the dramatic, slightly over dramatically.

All of "JEESH" surely turned their backs on me, so how could I go to them and ask for comfort when I know none of them care at all. I'm calling all of you out, if any of you read this. I haven't gotten so much as a phone call, and Erica seemed begrudging to even hear from me in the mall let alone hug me back. I can taste the lies on the air you people live in. You told me I was your best friend, or one of so, then upon a break up, you flat out leave me. I appreciate it. Honestly.

And, once again, Liz came into my mind. I wanted to reach out, to call her, to end all this stupid feuding, the stopped looks between us. I wanted to tell her that I understood her pain, and to apologize for all the times I was insincere, or uncaring. But I suppose I can't do that, and will never be able to. So therefore, I was alone. Completely and entirely alone. My parents didn't want to talk to me, my sister wouldn't want to talk to me, and none of my friends have shown me that I can really come to them with whatever is wrong. I was truthfully, and utterly alone in that moment.

Polyphasic Sleep Experiment (day 3)

Alright... last night, could have gone a lot better than it did. As far as I know, I woke up after my first nap, decided there was something funky going on, and went back to sleep until my alarm to wake me after my second nap brought me around at six thirty. Just in time for work. It was very perturbing to have to shuffle off with only a couple of hours of sleep under my belt, however simply because of having little sleep the night before, the nap I took on my break was greatly facilitated. I find the hardest part of this experiment is getting to sleep at the appropriate times. It takes me a long time to fall asleep, even in the most comfortable of places, so I'm not sure if I'll always be able to fall asleep properly where ever I may be at the given time of a nap.

Today at work something struck me as a little peculiar. It was Marilyn, my manager and expert scheduler. She personally named, dated and signed christmas cards for each other front end employees. I was touched when I got mine. She didn't have to do this for us at all, as the company accounted a christmas bonus with our last pay before ''santa comes''. I liked it, as a personal touch. She also said Merry Christmas to each of us as she handed us the christmas card, yet another kind notion. I think I like it where I work because it seems a little like home each time I'm there. Perhaps that is just the aura sobeys is designed to have, I'm not sure, however it seems like my home regardless.

Upon returning from work, I took a nap at two, and spent the gist of the rest of my day to this point doing nothing. Productively doing nothing of course. I believe Twinkee, Quinn and myself will probably end up doing something again tonight. I pray it's nothing like seven pounds again. I did not mind the movie too badly, however I could've done without the new Will Smoof flop. Wish me luck in my endeavors of polyphasic sleep.

I'm going to go decorate a tree.

Polyphase Experiment (day 2)

Alright, here we are. On the verge of delving into something I may very well fail at. Something I not exactly supported in, and something that is potentially dangerous to my health. Am I looking back, of course, but that is only my nature. I am somewhat inclined to be a pessimist, or rather, I tend to over think things to the point in which they are far from what they initially were and therefore produce much stranger doubts. I'm going to attempt it for as long as I can retain the schedule, if it seems to benefit me in any way at all. Tomorrow I work at 7am... that's going to be a blast. I'll be incredibly sleep deprived, and very cranky. I'm sure the carts will understand my quelled anger.

Perhaps I'll use my work as a conduit. A way to motivate me to accomplish many goals. I will be able to focus on the monotonous task of pushing carts around a snowy and incredibly crowded parking lot, therein occupying myself in such a way that simply being at home could never do. I'm excited, and afraid at the same time. I fear my caffeine intake is going to increase significantly, just to keep me stable. I'll try to avoid this consequence as much as possible however.

On another note, Julianna, my love, who is currently traversing Canada with her father, has come into some trouble. I'm not sure if she's angry with me, or just terribly apathetic at the moment. I would hope to believe the matter, as I would be incredibly uncaring had I fallen and gravely hurt myself as she did, on such a joyous occasion as the voyage she is currently on. I worry of course, but she does not stop this fear in any way, as she had to stop texting me. Oh how horrendous. I cannot wait to hear from her again, for I care quite deeply about this one.

There was something I saw tonight, in a lack luster Will Smith film, and brought on a sort of remembrance, something that brought to my mind a strange longing. I saw the tears flowing gently down a woman's face. I'm not sure if this is metaphorical in any sense, however, I believe I miss the care I showed one in the past years. Not necessarily in the excess which I was needed to show such compassion, but to see true emotion as that brought back a sincere longing for that single person. I have replaced her for lack of a better word, but by some one different, some one whom I love, and cherish, as she brings light to my soul and a jovial tune to my lips. This one still visits me from time to time though. I hope to rid my self of that...

Polyphasic Experiment (day 1)

I'm considering this my first day of my polyphasic sleep experiment. Polyphasic sleep, is a style of sleep that allows you to take thirty minute naps at four hour intervals to allow yourself nearly 4 extra hours every day. It is considered extremely healthy as it triggers your body to go into REM sleep as soon as you lay down, and therefore allows you the same amount of rest in the small time. I'm hoping it is successful as it would be a powerful asset in my university career. I hope all of your support is behind me!

This is my first day, as all the planning took place. Tonight will be my last night in monophasic sleep mode. I'll be taking my first thirty minute "nap" tomorrow night around 1:30, the only complication is work this weekend. I'll be pretty high on caffine at that point, so try to stay away from my cranky self as much as humanly possible for the next week or so. This is going to be an extremely interesting experience and I plan to post a video blog per day, along with some text explaining in greater detail my experience.

The benefits, to me, seem to be colossal and are entirely worth the rocky first four days of the experiment. I believe that in the extra time I will be able to work much more efficiently with anything I have to do. Filling out scholarships will be my premier worry over the break. It may only last two weeks, it may last several weeks longer than that. Wish me luck everyone!! I'm going to go savor my last full night of sleep. I'll write in the morning and let you know if it was any more pleasing.

Polyphasic Sleep Schedual

2:00am
6:00am
10:00am
2:00pm
6:00pm
10:00pm

ect.

Come back to Our Sheep

I'm looking back over my older posts and here realize how incredibly lengthy and monotonous they are. I've decided to cut them down by a fraction to save myself, and yourself, the agony of having so many words pass in front of your face. Besides, most of it was just fluff anyway? Right? No... i think I not, but it's not incredibly necessary, so I hereby pronounce the end of my Polonious-like wordiness.

But, as the french say, reviens a nos moutons. Which is something french actually say. It translates exactly as, "Come back to our sheep". I never quite understood the french on a proverbial level, but I digress. What puzzled me in this past week was a conflict Steve Vai had... with himself. It was strange to see the same person actually being able to act as though he were interacting with himself. It was of course a clever video trick, however it brought some things to my mind that are slightly unsettling. After Vai played a solo, his likeness referred to him as a ''wanker'', and Vai kindly accepted as though he were so confident in his own ability that insulting himself was twisted around into some sort of compliment. Several more scenes were played out in such a manner, yet the most puzzling of all, was at the point where Steve and Steve actually argued. It was a verbalization of inner conflict.

I wondered how strange it might be to actually work a conflict through with my own image. Looking into the immaculate likeness of myself, complete in every detail, and actually hearing my own thoughts come through in a voice that I seldom hear properly. My Own. Would it help the conflict? Or would each part of my personality taking part in the conflict find the other's opinion much more unnerving when spoken, and effectively drop their argumentative nature. I think this might be what would happen, hence my extremely indecisive manner. Maybe though, it would actually help to hear how incredibly irresponsible some of my premeditation is. Maybe this verbalization would greatly help me in the future.

I'll have to make a phone call and ask Dr. Octogonapus to fabricate an absolute and complete double of myself to talk to on occasion, however actually physically having another existing self would be... well I suppose that's a completely other blog altogether. Go to bed and stop reading this sholock...