Syntax Error

Maybe you noticed and maybe you didn't.

I've started avoiding entirely proper grammar and it's brother entirely proper syntax. Quite frankly, following proper syntax all the time is for english class for resumés for uninterested reading. Syntax is taxing. So I'm becoming a writing anomaly that fits into a mould that's already been established. Technically I'm not an anomaly any more but those are technical-ical technicalities. I want to think of myself as something entirely and incredibly original creative inspired. This is all semantics to make you think I'm all high and mighty in myself and my words. But technical-ical technicalities make this not even semantics. So I guess I'm just being cocky with words. You can call these

Cock-words.

I worked out again last night, fell completely victim to the tedium of up down up down up down weight lifting. How satisfying to actually feel my muscles ache and yell again. I never want that feeling of pang pang in my arms to go away. It's the painful feeling of accomplishment. The best way to make a protien shake and make it taste good, is to buy vanilla whey powder, and add it to some ricotta cheese, with blueberries, yogurt, half a banana and some flax seed to make sure it comes out the right end at the right time to save you from a harsh gurgle gurgle when you want it least. So many things to do in one day and this just seems like another commitment for my body to commit to indefinitly. To be skinny.

I don't want to look at the sky any more. That looming depressing thing. Too many symbols spread across it trying to present themselves with some pathetic cloudy arrogance. Float on ye blasted things and don't bother me with your metaphors. Look away. So there's a forest of incredibly strong structural examples for me to follow instead of those pestilent clouds. They're strong like broad shoulders of a good viking maid and I could fall on them if I needed something to fall upon that was strong like a good viking maid. Couldn't be more wrong wrong wrong. You flock there in the forest of brick and stone to find that people have already flocked as best as flockers could in a folking of folk-titude. They want grease they want grease they want grease and some want lightning but most just want so much grease and poor quality.

no more big macs.

So you start looking for solitude-iful solace in people now instead of angry clouds and full forests of people people people. Shazam wham bam boom there's your solace that you've been searching so critically for. How much you'd find in people to keep you warm when it's cold even in the artificially heated atmosphere of your favorite sit down Big Mac Bar. Yes yes yes there's where you can find something that's truly and utterly lean-able. People can be your best friends some times next to dogs because dogs will never talk back. You can tell them your troubles and tell them your troubles and never feel bad or give anything back. Don't even bother trying to break their stoic shell that would be absolutely and entirely retarded. They don't want to have some one to lean on, they just want to have every single human being they've ever opened up to to throw problems at them like tomatoes in Italia.

Did you catch the sarcasm?

No no no people won't do either, so look for solace in a book a game a song a fake something. At least that way whatever it is your using to fake your happiness with it'll stay constant and you can never worry about it stealing your girlfriend. Except World of Warcraft which has a very shocking capability to very well steal your girlfriend, sense of style, sense of reality, sense of being, and sense of non-nerd-iness-atude. Get more and more addicted to it and you'll see but don't see because it's not the right thing to be using to try and take a break through making a fake

I like a stinkin' achin' shake

I like vanilla it's the finest of the flavors.

Come to and end come to an end be the end. I have nothing left to say about this matter any more because I have no faith left in it very much at all to lean on except a nice solid book. My dear and sweet and lovely and beloved cheloveck does give me relief most times though. Nearly every time that I tell her what's wrong she's got solution a b c and f5 right in her pocket ready to blast off for me. So not all people are hopeless.

Just most of them.

Metamorph-ing in a conflagration of

The ocean floor is hidden from my viewing lens, but you're there, the coral on the bottom, just decaying just rotting just dying. I left you there my treasure, in one peice, and here I come to view upon it. Seeing it before reminded me of sad reminded me of depression reminded me of you. Seeing it now reminds me of sick reminds me of loss reminds me of them reminds me of you. Sick sick sick, it's not easy to make sick coral any better when it's on the ocean floor. Do I pick you up? You'd wish of it. Do I watch the luxuriously tacky fish flutter next to you. You'd wish of it. You're sick now, and I'm not miracle doctor. Have fun in your reef with your disco colored fishy air about you and be sick sick sick.

The best way to play a harmonic minor scale, is to use all three of your fingers, and fret each individual note as you do doop do doop do doop up the scale. It's like a ladder, but for your hands, made from wood, certainly not safe. The best way to perform a good sweep pick is to be Jason Becker's former self when he could move. Flutterdy-doo fluttery-doo fluttery-doo. That's what it would sound like if you performed it properly. But to make that exact sound you would have to be Jason Becker's former self as he was when he could move. When you could move. Can you move? Honestly, can you move or are you just sitting there stuck in your chair trying to slooshie the last sounds of your breath escaping from your mouth as you read this. You are now breathing manually.

Come clean with me now, are you really movable. Can you honestly press your soul up against a pane glass window and leave a dark and deepened steam impression on it. Well of course you can't, your soul doesn't have weight doesn't have volume doesn't have heat. But be movable as movable can be when your soul isn't where it sould be. Don't be like giving up. Don't be like wanting everything to be so much easier. For god sakes just move. You have just become aware that your nose never actually leaves your line of sight.

Dum dee dum dee dum dee dum, all down the yellow brick road on a segway with three ears of corn and a heart and a courage and a red slippers. Wait though, are you still moving? Don't forget, you're still breathing manually. Dum dee dum don't forget about the way you could be living if you could live in the spot light and live like everyone else. It's so good to have friends isn't it! It's so fabulous to be loved when you can't love back in the minutes that you spend with yourself. five minutes four minutes three minutes I'm moving again. And for god sakes don't forget to breath. The way I move the way I move the way you move. I wish I could kick back back back and relax in a few brief moments of my day and not be as truthfully and exasperatingly occupied as I am.

In

Out

In

Out

Don't Forget

I've got a book telling me how to move how to study when to move when to jerk off. A little bound little black book. Right now I should be sleeping. Right now I should have finished my homework. According to my book. But I can't sleep.

The Game.

Did you miss a beat, let me get you started again.

In

Out

In

The Recording Process

We, the band, started recording our first song a few nights ago. It was something strange to actually get to this point with a group of gentlemen such as my band. We're recording with a couple of friends of ours who're already quite adequet at doing the job, it seems that the career they've chosen in this field is quite well chosen indeed. Our song sounds good, just good. My mind keeps running over the insecurities of it. I can't seem to feel comfortable about the work I've done on the project, it's as though I can't settle with the fact that i'm actually getting along well doing something musically.

I worry, as I hear the product played back to me, that I sound too much like another band. I strive to be original in all the moments I play my instrument, in all the moments I sing and create a new piece of my own art. Playing music like this reminds me of Shallow Roots reminds me of Metal reminds me of Knorm. I miss the ol' goon. He's been so adsent lately. I don't necessarily miss all the things we played, but the kinship is not nearly as present as I wish it were. We referred to each other as brothers in that time and that really keeps me on my toes. Knorms somewhat an overreaction sometimes though, which is hard to deal with sometimes.

Other than recording, lately I've been having bursts of willpower, initiative to get along and do things more than I used to. To play guitar is to be for me, so to want to keep playing rigorously as I have been is to be more rigorous than I can be. I want to keep pushing myself though, it seems much more worth it now that we've got a solid sound nailed down. Quinn agreed to be our rythm guitar player. Thank God. We needed a close friend to be in the mix with all of us. I liked Ben I like Ben I wish it could have worked out but there's too many things to do for all of our lifes to syncronize. Original Original Original keep moving.

Music

I want to be the one on everyone's CD player someday. To be omnipresent in the world of all people. Who knows, it may be a goal within reach these days, though I feel doubtful upon that guesstimation. Keep it moving though. Keep pumping out those choons.

The Mighty Fighty Shushbugs, we are.

Bleeding me Home

It's surprising that I should be so entertained in the presence of my younger cousin. It was only three years ago, or a few days more, that I was not interested in her in even the slightest way, yet now our friendship has evolved into something more than most friendships or cousin-ships do in just the short time of a three year span. I've done more in this week, partied, shopped, galavanted if you will, than I ever have. It's like this part of my family allows me some temporary release from the monotonous routine that I always seem to fall into as part of my life. They've even made me want to try polyphasic sleep again. But maybe not....

I've decided to tell you a little bit about how my ''life changing'' is going. I've got the initiative to start running again, and it's helped, I've had a couple small jogging session lately. My family being here, and being awake until three o'clock each morning does put a slight splinter in working out, lifting weights ect. but I'm sure that that will return to me as my routine comes back together. I've also opened a new savings account. I'm chastized almost constantly about my self centered spending. It's not my fault. I have money, I spend money. SO I've decided to transfer AT LEAST 50% of each paycheck into this low interest savings account, and praying for it to build up in time to make me some money for university.

Money Saving ideas

Bring lunch to work instead of buying it.

Borrow Games from friends when I feel the urge.

Buy books from the bargain bin, stories are timeless, they'll get to the bin eventually.

Ask for things as a gift for my birthday or christmas, they're never THAT far away.

Pay for less movies, be more extreme in sneaking ability

Okay, so my plans aren't foolproof, but I think I'll have a little bit of a head start onto the wagon with all of this willpower I suddenly have. Just have to keep it rolling, keep it going, keep it up homeslice. I dunno, hopefully all this will become an unstoppable boost of will that will keep me parading through richness and good health until I graduate in four months.

I graduate in four months.

Dear god.

Falling Slowly

Someone asked me, yesterday, how I knew I was in love with her. It was Ashley, in the commencement of a heart to heart that asked me. My beloved friend of many years and quite possibly one of the people who are closest to me. It was something I hadn't much thought about enough, or I didn't think so. I concluded, much in that moment, that I knew it was love when I was happy within every moment I was with her. Every time we were together, even in the times where both of us seemed to have some trepidation eating at our psyches, I became happy in her presence. It's strange, like an intoxication, a bottle you never want to put down. Healthy unknowingness, in the form of a grace that comes to your lips in the greatest moments and happiest memories of your life.

Today, tonight, my mother asked me what I thought about forever. I couldn't tell her to be completely and utterly honest. I didn't want to give myself that kind of false hope that this could last as long as I'd like it to. It's so much different than last time that I hope, I pray, that it'll last as long as it possibly can. I want to feed this flame, this beautiful passion. It's not a prison, not filled with aching bars made of steel that contain me and wrack me with guilt. I'm just, incredibly happy.

I mentioned a friend before, Ashley. I feel I don't give her enough credit sometimes. She's seen me move through the incredibly stupid things I've done in life, and I've seen her do some equally retarded things, however, we're still incredibly close. No matter how many times she touches the stove, it's hell bent to last as a tight friendship. How could I ever keep going with out it. It's like that with her, and the boys. I didn't have boys before this year, and now I do. Quinn, Twinkee, Jordan, Derrick, my boys! Imagine, me actually having boys. I talked to Julianna tonight, about how I came about knowing each of them, how I remember those budding moments as she remembered her's with Josh and Hilary.

I adore those two, Josh and Hilary, the satisfaction they give her, and at the same time they're incredibly down to earth and understanding people. I would be extremely audacious to think I should ever be so close to them, but I hope in time maybe I can see that side of them. They are, along with my friends, the epitome of what friendship is. The relationship, the time spent together, the relaxed sensation of belonging. It's all there, in that tight knit thread of reality. Yes, how audacious I am to think I will ever thread such relationships with the two closest people to Julianna, J-bomb, my love.

I do not intend to leave any out. I care about too many to enumerate a full list, and I'm aware that each of you has an affinity with myself, and with your own tightest group of friends. Here's to hoping you share such amité with your friends.

Twice :)

- Your Humble Narrator

Inertiatic ESP

I've decided that I need some motivational inertia to keep up this weight lifting/weight losing routine. I find that as time passes, I lose willpower more and more and begin to simply believe that the state I am currently in is just dandy. Hold your pity compliments. I'm trying to make the Memorial Swim Team next year, and this requires some what of a toned physique. I need to lift weights, to swim, and to eat like an athlete that doesn't have an incredibly high metabolism. I know all of this sounds extreme, but if you knew the weight history of my family, you'd agree with me.

So, I don't know how I'm supposed to keep the inertia of my initial willpower burst. It's going to be somewhat of an obstacle I have to leap in order to maintain a routine as near to the one I'm hoping to keep. I want to run nearly every morning, and lift weights on varying intervals. I also want to swim daily, until the end of the school year, and once every two days upon the end of school. This is unattainable I believe, but this is the ideal scheduel for me. If you have any tips let me know.

Next is food. I have an unhealthy obsession with food and it's sweet sweet taste. I can't seem to wrap my head around any tangible method of ridding myself of the temptation of sweet and greasy food. I know it's bad for me, but I somehow convince myself that I'll work it off, yet I never do. Heeeellllpppp. If you have any good tasting, healthy food, let me know. I'm calling you out on this one Quinn. I'll still indulge, and on the routine I hope to keep, I don't think such indulgence would be a terrible detriment.

This is really the only thing causing me trepidation at the moment, mostly on account of the christmas season offering soooo much temptation. On a brighter note, I finally got an iPod, and conformed to the nation of iPod users. I also recieved and Xbox 360, which I'm sure will allow much sleep deprivation and even more health deterioration as the next week continues. It's going to be a constant flow of christmas cookies and Fable 2 (at least until I complete it). Going along with the theme of gifts. I am now the proud owner of very much to do with Dungeons and Dragons. Am I excited? You bet I am. I better be playing with my friends soon, as I am very much lusting to throw them into some kind of predicament.

I'm going to stop now, as this is going to run long, and many of you will never want to read such daunting rubish. Much appreciated

-Your humble Narrator