It's hard to want to express yourself when you get messages like I get from people. "You're an egotistical asshole" this and "You're an egotistical asshole" that. I don't mean to be. I mean to try to be perfect for everyone. My intentions are to let everyone get the best out of me. Hear that, everyone? I just want to make you happy. It's how it's always been, and it's how it always will be. Right now, I guess I just have to vent about how I feel.
Where was I?
Right, ten years from now, I'm going to holed up in some house I got from my new salary job. Ten years from now I'll be my guitar student Andrew, who has barely any time to play guitar at all. Ten years from now I won't be on stage with my best friends playing one of the countless songs that I have written on my computer. Does any one know that? Does anyone know that I spend a few hours here and there trying to write songs that people will like? They're all on here, I'd love to show any one willing to look.
I just want it so bad. That's why I put those songs on the internet, that's why I link to this blog everywhere I can, so that maybe somebody will hear me and might give a shit. That's why my entire life is on the internet. This is all of me that I have to give, and can you hear it? I know you can, and right now you're probably turning a blind eye because I'm needy and because this is another one of my cries for attention. So everyone kindly take your turn to look away now, and forget about me. Make sure to come back when you need me though, because I like that relationship with people.
Thing is, I can just see people slipping away from me. Do you know it's like to feel like you don't have a best friend anymore? Do you know what it feels like to know everybody else has some one they hang out with almost every day? If you do, then you hear me, and I hear you. It just feels like so much is slipping from me. I spread myself out so thin the last three years that I honestly have no idea who I really am right now. There's only one person that can see the real me, that I'm the only real me around, and she may very well be the only one that has ever been able to do that.
But be brutally honest with me, whoever if anyone ever reads these bullshit blogs. Am I too flirty? Do I put myself out there like I'm always single? I don't mean to. Anyone that thinks I'm flirting with them, tell me, stop me, make me realize. I didn't think I was that bad... I don't try to be at least. I guess it's just another insecurity of mine, another imperfection that should be hammered out with due time.
Just a robot in repair.
I don't know, right now I'm drinking orange juice that could possibly be an allusion to future alcoholism, and listening to the saddest songs I can muster up. I think it's about time that I just shut the light out and manned up.
Time to stop being a pussy Jeff.
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4 comments:
Y'know, I've always wanted an excuse to have a conversaton with you. If you've got a moment, I've got the night.
"Thing is, I can just see people slipping away from me. Do you know it's like to feel like you don't have a best friend anymore? Do you know what it feels like to know everybody else has some one they hang out with almost every day? If you do, then you hear me, and I hear you. It just feels like so much is slipping from me"
This is pretty much exactly what Im feeling. It sucks. Hardcore.
"Past relationships are not as strong as they used to be... It was inevitable I suppose, however, the realization that these friendships are not what they used to be saddens me. These friendships are not gone, the bonds formed with people will never disappear, but they are simply not as strong as they used to be.
I'm in quite an odd place right now. It seems like I'm at such a crossroads in my life, and quite frankly, I'm unsure of which road to travel. I've begun to realize my attempts to essentially do everything, to have the best of all worlds, are failing. As much as I'd like to say everything is fantastic, it isn't. I've begun to realize that spreading myself out so thin, across so many activities and groups of people, have left me feeling more alone and empty than I'd thought it would."
Pretty sure I blogged about the same thing awhile ago. I'm quite frankly feeling the exact same thing.
I'm right there with you man.
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