Cats

I think I'm going to write an entire post about cats, and strange coincedences that have a lot to do with cats and ect. It seems like a lot of people really enjoy these furry feline creatures, and of course I do too. Does this make me strange? Hell no it doesn't, I just really really enjoy cats. I mean how could you not enjoy cats, LOOK AT THEM!

Seriously, if you can look at that picture and come back without having a little cute awwww moment, then you have to go look again. But take a good hard look into their little kitty eyes. Look so deep that you feel fluffy and innocent yourself. Feel that? That deep sense of awww, that's what you're looking for. This is Kitty Yoga, and we're loving it. How could you not love it, I defy you to not enjoy this next one, I mean honestly, they're cats, it's just cute.

Don't you seem them and just melt! Melt into your chair from sheer love and adoration. Look at those kitties! Just sitting there, so innocent and adorable. We won't tell that heavily white chested one that he's adopted though, because a kitty that's aware of it's adoption so early in life often can't cope with it and will turn into a bad kitty, and if there's one thing in this world we don't want it's a bad kitty. I mean, if it's sorta bad and only paws at you affectionately with it's paws, then it's okay, it's just a playfully mean kitty. But I'm talkin' one of those really fucked up kitties. Like the kinda kitty that'll take your hair and pull that shit out. I mean those fuckers just don't give a SHIT! Mean kitties will fuck your shit up so bad that you won't even be able to step out of your house without checking your back twice for a furry flurry of fearsome fucking up of your shit! LOOK AT THIS MEAN FUCKING KITTY!

He is just screaming DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS! Definitely made aware far too early of his kitten adoption. So like I said, don't fuck with that kitty adoption shit, it's just too harsh.

Anyway, I'm still lovin' the cute kittens, all furry and docile, sittin' around the house, chillin' with a saucer of milk. I mean seriously, there is NO MAMMAL that can't drink milk and chill like a cat. It's like they were built with a mellow mode and only a mellow mode. Especially if they're really really fat, cause just like obese people, they move very little, and only care about food and sleep. (Disclaimer: Obese humans often indulge in many other activities such as WoW, KFC and Nickleback) But these little kitties only like to do that, and love their lives.

Have you ever seen how happy a cat is whilst laying in the sunlight on top of an armchair. Have you seen this? CAUSE HE'S FUCKING CONTENT!

There's only one thing you've go to worry about when you're dealing with kitties though, and it's what not to mess with. You've gotta make sure not to FUCK around, with THIS!

Do what you like with household objects and such to entertain them, but just do not FUCK around with dogs. It's not how it goes down. How you ever seen a cat confronted by a dog about taxes before? Me neither, but it would probably turn out like Tiny Stash and his David Stars. Like honestly, DO NOT FUCK WITH DOGS.

If there is one thing every really good kitty needs though, it's a deadly ass fucking toy. And there's one thing that your content kitty could not live without. Know what I'm talking about? Do you already understand exactly what it is you have to buy your little kitty? Because I'm 100% fucking sure as to what it is your feline friend needs.

THIS SHIT!

HO-LEE FUCK! Look at that yarn. I'm pawing my screen right now I'm so excited. You have gotta have this shit. I don't mess around with my yarn or kitty, and you shouldn't either.

Now go appreciate your cat with some yarn and don't fuck around with any dogs.

I don't know why I wrote this. It just came flowing out.

Fatalism

If at any point of your life you realized that you haven't done everything that you wanted to before you died, tell me what it is. I want to know. It seems to bring me comfort that some people in this world have some of the same lost aspirations that I do. This is the kind of thing I sit up worrying about at night, so give me a little peace of mind and let me know that I'm not the only one. Tell me I'm not the only one staying up at night wondering what I'll be doing when I'm 30, wondering if my plateau is already past like some sort of stereotypical white trash poptart.

It's all the things you wish you did, and here are a few of mine, just some thoughts before the end of the night.

> Write a Novel

> Put more effort into my musical qualities

> Become closer with the people I love deeply

> Someday be a father

I wish some of it was more material, but honestly, my mind isn't as centered on that right now as it usually is. Today I was comfortable with my body for a brief time, and in those moments I could feel happy and focus on exactly what it was that is important. I got spinning on the subject and those are what I came up with. Could you say my ambitions are set far too high? Could you say I have too many dreams, well I may, but it's not spread so thin that it's impossible. Someday I might actually achieve what it is that I've put there.

Today has been productive in the sense that I haven't really been down on myself. Today has been the day that I've taken what nice things that have been said about me, and put them in a pile for evaluation. Take the compliments and rank them from 1 - 10, that sort of thing, just to see if it adds up, if any of this effort is worth it.

If I had the psyche that I used to, I'd find some way to tell myself that it's not about the acceptance I recieve, it's about the satisfaction of putting something I love out there. This is if I had the perfect psyche, but when effort goes unrewarded, it becomes somewhat of a painful realization when nothing quite turns out like it was supposed to.

Resolved that I write a novel, and I never give it to anyone, my heart will be saved, but I will never be asuaged and I will never know what it might have reaped. Resolved that I do put it out into the public, and the reception is bad, I will be a little bit heart broken, but at the same time it could be simply adding up to any expectation I might have had. Resolved that the recpetion is good, I may actually do well, and things will turn out better than expected. The latter is rarely ever the case with people who come from where I come from. It's a rare case that the small town author or musician is the one who makes it, but this could also be because of low population concentration and the hoard of self-fulfilling prophecies that go with it. Saint John is a plague regardless, but maybe I'll actually pull away from the infinite fog and become something.

Maybe

If anyone holds any hope for me I'd love to know it. If you think anything I've written on here is worthy of a story, or worthy of a voice, a narrator, than please let me know, maybe I'll actually get the motivation I need. I think I really just need a deadline to keep me focused, or some one constantly pushing from behind to remind me that I'm not nothing.

These are all thoughts and considerations, but who knows if any of it is significant. Chances are not that many people will read this and even fewer will reply. This is my expectation, this is likely how it will be led. Maybe for one I'll just be proven wrong and I might get the helping hand I've been grasping for.

Maybe

Drop the ball

"You might as well be blind if seeing is believing" - If God Only Smokes Cheap Cigars, Envy on the Coast

It seems like sometimes you just can't help but drop the ball. Like everything's going good and then suddenly you end up screwing up regardlessly. I thought about this, a lot. Thought about the preservation of peace, the keeping of a good thing, and then I started to realize just how futile it must be. How impossible it would be to not make a mistake, because for some reason no matter how much any human being tries, something always seems to happen to ruin something that's been perfectly good. Some event takes place, some one just has to drop the ball.

If you look at human history, there are crests and troughs, there are inclines, declines and everything you can think of in the span of a simple wavelength. If you break that wave link down you can see the individual crests and troughs of individual civilizations, continents, races, ect. Theoretically you can see the direct cause of a particularly deep trough. You break down that wavelength and you start to get personal. At this point it would be barely visible, probably so minute in the actual scheme of things that no one seems to notice it happen at all, however if this small and microscopic part of the graph were not there, the rest of civilization wouldn't have a graph either. Anyone who feels insignificant, this is your chance to realize everyone's a part of the grand scheme. But I digress. When you get personal you start to see the individual crests and troughs of your own life, and then in breaking that down, the different events in your life that have influenced you.

Right now, I'm looking at the graph of something that's been running for almost a year now, and for some reason, my skill must be flawed. I see the crests stretch for days, weeks sometimes, rarely ever a month, and then some mistake of mine sends it plummeting again. It's because I always base the fault on myself. If you look back you can see in former posts that I went as far as seeing myself as a disease. This is still how I feel. I feel like I curb people's emotions because I make it alright for them to blame anything on me, and therefore they create more instances to lay more blame simply because it's the easiest thing to do. For the record, blaming yourself never really works, there's always some one else involved, because every event in our world is kinetic, and being kinetic requires a force and medium for the force to act through. For the record, you're never upset because of yourself, there's always something else there forcing you into your own hole.

For the record, even though I'm worried about her being worried about how my actions might play out next year, it still really bothers me that no one asks to hang out anymore, and that I'm almost always too worried to ask to do anything in fear of actually seeing that people don't like me anymore.

"Stutter as muttered, a startling repititous phrase" - The Gift of Paralysis, Envy on the Coast

Back to the stage please I bid you my willful disciples, so that you may see me now take a dive as you've never seen. Into a pit and into somewhere that I cannot assume. Something that will simply consume me. I am who I am but will I be him tomorrow? I could never tell you yes yes yes because that would be simply ridiculous. I am a man and man is bound to change, from ape to walking upright, to cutting fingers and selling sex at night. I can't tell you I'll always be me, that I'll always be walked over, it's just what I have to do.

Does anyone honestly believe that I don't get upset about things? Does anyone honestly believe that I'm actually that trusting? That I don't have all these insecurities too? Does anyone hear me when I say that I only am who I am because I'm afraid of tipping a gentle balance on the edge of fragile fingertips? I am who I am because I cannot confront and collapse a peace that I fight so hard to maintain. Passive and agressive, here is the martyr in me, take what you will and leave me with the pieces of what you decide you can decode with proper maturity.

I'm starting to falter, and I can feel it. Starting to feel my toes touch gravel and starting to feel my eyes burn with the breaching of the horizon. Bright and glowing red it comes and who knows if I can stop it. I just want to speak my mind, I just want to say everything I've always wanted to say to all the people who don't understand or who would be angry to hear.

A little girl told me today that she usually has everything in her brain, but at that moment in time, she had nothing. There was nothing in her brain and she simply didn't know what to do. This is what happens to all of us when there are too many words. It becomes a void of confusion and right now, my friends, my readers, my love. My brain is whole, open and empty.

The Nature of Man

It's amazing how we hold ourselves as human beings. It's not the way it once was, when chivalry existed and everything was exactly as it should be because everyone did their part. Every person had a role that they played because that was how it worked most easily. It amazes me now that I'm back in the roll of a part time worker as well as a full time worker. In this world, we have jobs because of the wide spread laziness. We have jobs because each man leaves behind a piece that must be cleaned up by some one else. We no longer have the opportunity to simply allow things to move as they should.

When one thing is left behind, it will eventually be moved by some one else. A job created simply to fix the neglect of another. It'll be forever like this, and it continues down, one man stands on another and another and another and it goes all the way down. Just as Atlas stands atop his turtle, and the turtle below that. Small actions weighted and transferred throughout the echelons of oft forgotten laborers. Some day, maybe we'll be able to see beyond all this, but as it stands, we as a people are lazy and require some one to clean the mess that we leave behind. It is our nature, and it always will be.

Another big part of our world, is that it is fueled forever by money. These small jobs are degrading, yet always met because of the need for money. Long before the french revolution and Voltaire, and long after Lafayette and his attempts to meld the mentality of the citizen and royalty, we have lived with a split personality. There will always be the upper and lower class, seldom melding together to meet a privileged few middle class men. If there was some way to get rid of all this, if there was some way we could come back into the ideal roots we once had, perhaps we could truly be happy again.

Don't think I'm preaching Marxism here, it's far from that. He may have got it right, but I could never truly know. If there was a way to tell, then I'm sure I would have looked into it, but sadly there is no way to simulate the motion of a world that is entirely socialist. Maybe someday we can predict how this capitalism will eventually destroy us, or maybe we can already see it as the rich plateau and the poor are too poor for them to feed off of. The graph that represents world presumed world population growth and many other things in nature, maybe very well represent how our economy is capping and falling.

If that isn't reason enough to be even a little bit scared, I don't know what is. Thing is, is our world will eventually feed itself into it's own economic and ecological death. Resources and money will run out, and the space tethers creating a new world in distant space will eventually fray and fail us. It's terrifying to me, but I'll probably be dead by the time any of this becomes reality.

If I could have it my way, I'd be working with these statistics already, going into engineering may be a bad choice, because the chemicals I'll be studying for efficiency will probably start to run out, and my life will become a race to find something to save us all from living in an empty world.

If you want my advice, if that's what you've come looking for, than I can offer very little. Just listen to these words, and try to heed them without hesitation. Do what is asked of you and more, leave nothing for the next person to finish for you, because if we can all try, even a little bit to help those below us, some how we may grow into a more compassionate and cohesive world. That way, in a small amount, we will grow and start running toward a better future. All of the ecological saving is helping, but it's not economy saving, and that's what we need to survive. It's psychological saving that needs to be put out there to help each person become who they must be to work coherently with the language of a unified world.

Symphonic

It makes me a little bit sad that the new song had such small reception, it's like I bleeding into a niche that has long since been deemed obselete. Part of me wants to look back and just quit, because a lot of the effort I've been pumping out has been resulting in nothing, but at the same time I'm inspired by the few people who have taken their time to go on and give me props. It means a lot if only a few people really enjoy what I do, because I do it because I love it, not because I want everyone to like it.

Simply said, I'm going to trying more and more to put something out there that everyone can enjoy and take in. I want to make something absolutely beautiful, something that will make people go back and put it on loop. It's the way I felt when I heard beautiful music, it's the same emotion that I got when I felt the effort they put into the song. You can feel it, and you can hear it. If it's any consolation, I did almost 100 takes trying to get the harmonies right. I just want it all to be perfect so that everyone that hears it can understand just how deeply I feel about the music that I'm making.

If you want the lyrics, I'll post the composite version of them here, however they were altered a little bit on account of the rythms I use in the song, so don't take them as biblical literature.

I Might

Sweet disguise

Another day

Of different kind

You will be

All I ask

All I need

Poison to me

I need

Satisfy the primal urge

Strengthed by the growing surge

I make a request

At the fall of night

I bleed in innocence

To fall, I might

Pray tonight

For sincerity

Of a sinful kind

Plentiful

This horrowshow embrace

Sentimental

Crippled and incased

I make a request

At the fall of night

Sweet sentient chest

Soft rhythmic tight

So there you have it, the lyrics and the meaning of the song you may or may night end up listening to. Maybe it'll help you like it a little bit more? Which ever, at least the message and the emotion is out there in another way that I enjoy to express myself in. Spoken word, written word, lyrics, poetry, some of the things I can use to extract the images from my brain. Once again, I wish I were a photographer, because I could give you an image to go with all of this, but sadly the image is trapped in my head because I chose the path of the musician.

If this was dungeons and dragons, I'd be a lone bard with a lute and a pen. Safe to say that I wouldn't be doing too much to a dragon, but I could sure as hell ring in some high quality gold from a select few people.

I wish it weren't true, but I think the music scene is slowly dying. If you listen to Simple Plan's new song, you can feel how synthetic it is. Now don't let me take away from a good synth player, it's just strange to hear a band that was once organic, be metamorphed into a band of computers. It's imagination transfered to the computer, transfered to sound. It's missing one important component, which is the human component. To me, nothing technologically perfect is actually music, it's the small flaws and the unnecessary undertones in harmonics that you hear in songs that truly makes it music.

If I could sacrifice the little part of myself that worries about everyone else liking what I do, then maybe I can actually start to write music exactly as it is supposed to be. There will always be time to improve it, and there will never be a true finish point, because in reality, when you love something deeply, there is no end. There will always be a future, and the same thing goes for a piece of music.

For me and Julianna, I can see the same thing, a distant and opaque future. There's nothing completely for sure about it, but I'm sure it's love so I know that there will be no perceivable end until that love runs out. If it does, though I have my doubts at this point that it really ever will. We're dynamic, and as Splash Gordon so lovingly put it, we compliment each other perfectly. A piece of music, a girlfriend, it's all much the same thing with different skin.

So as I usually do, I'll leave all of you a little piece of advice, once again this is provided that anyone actually makes it this far into the post. According to my statistics the average visit time on this site is roughly two minutes and thirty four seconds, so I'm not sure this will get seen at all. Anyway, what I have to say to any of my readers, is that you shouldn't try to percieve anything in incredible detail, just enough to know it and to make the neccesary assumptions. If you analyze all of the things in your life than you will never grow to love them and enjoy them.

Trying to know everything about everyone you know and everything you do takes all the mystery away, and in turn makes the future an endless list of repetition. People aside, this will make your mind turn on itself and abandon whatever it knows everything about first, simply because it's trying to save you from impending monotony in your life. So here I leave you with that. Make your life ambiguous and make you life full of love.

What can you possibly expect under this condition

There was point when I stopped caring about music, and I know it's terrible, because music has been everything that is my passion. Lately it seems like I'm picking the torch back up, there are little jotted down tabs in my moleskines and there are constantly notes flitting through my head. I'm always whistling something and recording it with my phone, it's directly along the lines of Beethoven's insanity in deafness, except I'm not as amazing as Beethoven, and I'm not deaf, however I'm getting there.

I think I should recount some of the things pushing me back to music. One would most definitely be December Fall Out. They've been doing all the things I would love to be doing, and I adore them for it. They've shown me that effort can get me exactly what I want, and by going to all of their shows and being one of their biggest fans I could say that I'm living vicariously through them. Trying to jump up on stage and sing harmony has made me a little bit more a part of everything I want to be. I'm trying as hard as I can to give as much as possible to Panda Farm so we can get there too, but it's getting harder and harder lately with all of us already feeling the strain of the inescapable hiatus that is going to happen in August.

Next, I can attribute some of this to Dan from Carpenter. He hung out with me and J for a little while at the DMCC show this past Sunday, and he was so down to earth, and still so concerned and caring for the people around him even though he was already broke and probably struggling to stay in high energy with his tour. Watching him play after he bought something for J and talked to us as friends even after just meeting us was an amazing experience, and I'll probably never forget it. Maybe he'll be around in Newfoundland to give me another little push in the right direction. I can only pray that's how it turns out.

I am committing a sin also played at that show on Sunday, and seeing their cohesive structure and hearing their beautiful harmony has made me once again, inspired to do what I've always wanted to do. It's just how right it feels being in touch with people who are living the dream that I've always wanted to live. The guitarists that I stood and watched in awe moments before actually unveiled their elusive pedal boards to me because of my interest. They talked to me like a peer because I think some how they knew that I would actually use the information they were imparting me with.

So maybe you'll see more from me musically in the future, it's a possibility, however I still have to get some momentum going again as far as writing music goes, it'll probably a little bit of a process getting that going again. I've been down and out for so long that I'm not sure I've got it in me to make things that will pertain to the interest of a broad enough audience. It's a worry I've always had when releasing something (even these blogs) and it surely hasn't gone away, if not it's doubled ten fold with my personal hiatus. I'm going to try though, that's exactly what's been lacking in my life, is an excessive amount of effort.

To anyone who's reading, I want you to try to reach out to the people who are living exactly as you would like to be. They don't have to be rich, they don't even have to be outwardly happy, I just want you to talk to the people doing exactly what it is you want to be doing, be it a local author, musician, photographer, just anyone. First off, give them as much appreciation as you can, because chances are, they were like you at one time and a little pat on the back is the least they deserve after all of their effort. Secondly, ask them how they did it, so that you can climb the steps the way that they did, and perhaps someday become like them. Talent usually has a lot to do with fame sadly, so sometimes they won't have much of a story to tell, sometimes it's purely by accident, but if you catch some really good advice, it'll go a long way.

Thirdly, live a little through them, ask them about their experiences, about the journey they made to get to where they are. They'll probably have a good story to tell, and through that you can either figure out that you really want to do it, or maybe it's just not the right thing for you. I know I was turned away from my job as an electrical engineer when I found out that an EE program leader has been delegating tasks for a mobile network at Aliant. That has nothing to do with what I want to do, and even though it pays well, that's not the life that I want to lead.

Give it a try, I promise your appreciation will be well heeded, and chances are (so long as you aren't audacious) you'll be greeted with the same appreciation. It's all a hard thing to do, I understand, because hesitation is often bred by exclusive recognition, but if you're lucky, you'll be able to see through your shy side and really dig deep with your "idol".