Tuesday, June 22, 2010

When I die

When I die, I want my tombstone to read...

I don't know what it is about this place. It's like there's no potential to grow into anything culturally. I'm stuck in this place. I'm Saint John fodder, home grown, home eaten. I'll probably go to school, four years of learning, four years of growing. Then I'll get a job with the government. Good pension, good health care, good dental care. Denchers at 50, the kinda thing people dream about.

There aren't a lot of venues. There aren't a lot of artists that decide to put themselves out there. I've led a very dramatic and public life so far, just so I can get a tombstone with no ending on it. That's what I want.

I want my tombstone to read, Jeff Cook 1991 - ????

It's like I've tried everything. I've put some back bone into every form of expression I can, and it's almost like it doesn't matter. I just haven't found the right way to speak. I play music, I drew things when I was younger, I've written since I could hold a pencil, and I'm even thinking of making a film. This is what I do, I live publically, so that when I die, I can get something on my tombstone. Something real special, that reads like I never actually died. So that all the things I made public are still going to move on when I'm rotting in the ground.

Jeff Cook, 1991 - ????,  May he live on

He live on

He lives on

Something catchy like that. Some people passing by will think that it was a typographical error. The people at the tombstone making factory forgot to ctrl-A backspace key. That kind of thing. The people that knew me, or those that decided to read this will understand a little more clearly. It'll be like my final aspiration. It'll be like the album I never released, the film I never put out, the poem I never got published. But this time, it'll actually work. It'll live on. The one thing that time will take hundreds of years to completely wear away.

Thing about construction work is, you gain a whole new respect for how durable rocks are.

I seem to be spending less and less time on music. I seem to be spending more and more time with shovels. It's the other side of this whole dream of mine. If I want to give up on the reassurance of the put on my tie everyday and go do math in a building, then I may have to spend a lot of time with dirt and shovels. I may have to spend less time with the band I want to be in. I may have to spend less time with the people I love.

Thing about construction work is, you get a lot of face time with gravel.

There's an incredible feeling inside me that I'm meant for something bigger than all of this. Maybe it's because I talk about it so much, or try so damn hard to be the best at something. I thought that maybe if I did just like momma told me, got good grades, went to school, stayed away from hard drugs, I might be able to get my dreams to come true. There's something about that that's flawed. To make my dream come true I'd have to work work work and do less time procrastinating. To work on music, you have to have a band, and a lot of time and a lot of paper and a lot of pens pencils crayons sheet music. This means you need money. As dad said, in order to exist in this life, you need money. To get money, you work construction.

The thing about construction work is, you learn how to beat things mercilessly into the ground in all sorts of ways. You're still going to be the doormat in your next relationship.

I live in the maritimes, and I don't like hockey. I live in the maritimes and I don't particularly enjoy sports. I live in the maritimes and I was never exposed to any sort of art culture until I took it upon myself and met some people who played these things called guitars. Your parents are going to think you want to play sports, are going to think you want to be sydney crosby, are going to think you'll want to be Gretzky. Don't blame them, all the other kids want that, and not a guitar. It's still 1998, and rockband hasn't been released yet.

The thing about meeting life-time construction workers is, you start to realize that there's a balance between having nice things, and having time to appreciate those nice things.

The thing about construction work is, you're the sun's best friend. You wake up with it, you go to bed with it. You're the sun's girlfriend. You cook it breakfast, you great it with your morning cigarette. You spend lunch under it, and you're just a little bit glad when it sneaks away for an afternoon so you can beat off to the idea that you might get off early.

I'm sorry about all of this. I just want to get all of this off my chest. I just want to be famous. Anyway, when you walk by my tombstone now, you'll know why it says what it does!