Work

To spend most of your life on a trend of easy success and acceptance is a crippling existence. Don't misinterpret this, you shouldn't take the easy triumphs for granted, they're not something that should be immediately turned away, however, in retrospect to not have to work towards a goal is something that has been hamartia of my own. My habits don't reflect my future don't facilitate my progress don't ease my mind in the work I have set before me. My body does not wish to push towards anything difficult, and my mind does not wish to toil today, over prospects of an easier tomorrow.

I wish I could make this clearer, but my ambiguity allows you all to relate.

Sir, I'm sure not everyone can relate to this.

For some reason I worry that not all the people that read this will be able to take something from it, but hopefully even those of you who are incredibly different from me can become somewhat acquainted with my situation. I wouldn't like to say this change in tenacity is going to make me bitter, but lately it's left me exhausted. The fruit of my effort has not been completely ripe either, yet for some reason I've kept my old mentality that working towards something broken will eventually lead to something complete.

Sir, that mentality's never gotten you anywhere.

This is a new life, I understand that, and I'm sure you all understand that as well, so take up the charge with me and we'll try to help each other adapt as easily as possible. Crippling the demons of procrastination and calling to arms the power we all have to take up a challenge. I'm amazed with the capability everyone here has to do that. I've never been one to actually have that happen, be a part of something so like me yet at the same time have such diversity in personality. Like I've said before, I don't really have a niche here, but maybe this strive towards a better tomorrow for ourselves is exactly what we all have in common.

Sir, you're talking poetically again.

I wouldn't say all of this linear work has left me uninspired, but it has surely allowed some of my musical self to leak into other areas of my life. Conformity taking place of creativity once again. It seems to be a bit of a cycle for me lately. Another example to add to my growing lists. I think I could be slightly autistic in that sense. The way I always think in detailed lists rather than in aspects and possibilities. If anything from that list becomes flawed or indistinguishable, everything suddenly begins to fall apart.

Maybe I've just got some strange flaw that way. I've found a lot of them.

Sir, remember that you are a disease, you don't want to go back to that.

Thinking that maybe next time I could send some one else into that downward spiral still scares me to. I remind you this is completely off topic. Last time and last time's last time I became somewhat of a disease in my own mind. I elaborated in a blog once, but it seems I've lost it. I just have to keep pushing and pushing and pushing away until I can't believe that anymore. It's got a lot to do with falling, but I don't know, I don't want to know, I have to stop thinking about it.

Sir, you should be working right now.

Hate Mail

If you haven't noticed, I've been trying a little less hard to be perfect. If you've noticed, it matters a little less to me if everyone likes me. If you've noticed, you probably like me a little less. It seems like lately I'm weeding out all the people that don't actually like me, the people that don't actually like to be around. If you've noticed, I've almost completely stopped getting the few text messages asking me to just hang out. If you've noticed, I think I have a few less friends now, which is sad, but I guess if I have to push and ask to spend time with everyone, I'll end up spending no significant time with anyone.

"A friend to all is a friend to none" - Aristotle.

If there's been a time when I really wish everyone was on my side, it would have to right now now now, but if you noticed, my side is getting less and less full of people. It seems like an enternity ago that I actually had some one that didn't really need me for something. I think I've got a few left, but the door's been open for awhile, and all I've felt is a slow breeze filtering out. Don't think this is for pity, don't flood me with compassion, because it's overdue, and at this point I'm not sure who's where and who should be where they are.

I know I'm a busy person, I know this is probably mostly my fault, but it's strange the side of people that you see. It's strange that you see the side you saw before in a completely different light now that you're on the side of me where the grass is greener and you're out of my seldom used claw's reach. I'm standing here, waiting, but who knows what might happen if any of us ever got close again.

Here I was naive, thinking graduation wouldn't be so bad, that I wouldn't drift slowly away from each other on the ocean of reality that's coming flooding in. With sails filled with pride we're drifting faster than normal, and it seems like the only direction to choose is away. Off we'll go and in the fading image we'll catch a glimmer of what once was. We'll catch each other at the 10, 15, 25 year reunions, look back on what we all had. Right now is that gap between memory and the future. Right now is that part that almost everyone forgets anyway.

"Throwing punches, at ocean waves" - The gift of paralysis, Evny On the Coast.

I've gotten calls from restricted numbers the last couple of days, and every time I sort of hope it's some one I haven't talked to in a long time, some one who wants to just be friends like we used to be, but it sort of never is. Again, this isn't for pity, don't call me. I wonder if I'm pushing people away, subconciously holding everything at arms length to keep them just far enough away to let go a little bit easier, once again, it would be subconcious, it's not like I'm going to remember today, yesterday of the distant tomorrow anyway, at least not when reunion time comes around.

I've got about a million things I'd love to share with the world, roughly give or take a million, but I don't think any of it will get out there, because at this point I don't know if anyone's listening. If any one actually cares anymore unless I'm saying something malignant about some one else. Do we thrive on spite so much that we love to see them suffer through some one elses words? I think not. For those of you I have said something terrible about, I could say I'm sorry if I was, but I shared my feelings exactly as they were, and that's something I seldom do. If you feel differently about me because of it, then do so. As I said, I'm trying a little less to make everyone like me. It's a little less important to me right now.

"Come to you so clearly, but you don't want to hear me." - Nobody's Listening, Linkin Park.

The world is ready to accept me but I don't know if I can accept it right now. Looking into the thirty year old eyes of myself I wonder what it is exactly that I'm thinking feeling wishing. Do I still have friends? Have I found some sort of somber solace in my on solitude. Do I sit alone in a study with a notebook? I doubt it, I'm a socialite and heart and that'll never change, but I don't know who's in those eyes, which people have been carried in my heart. If I could retain some of the memory of what I have right now, I hope I carry with me this strange feeling. This strange emotion of a swaying screen door and the shouts of angry goodbyes.

As I walk out this door, who knows what could truly become of me, but is anyone looking back to check? I guess I'll find out at the 10, 20, 25 year reunion.