Inspiration

"Inspiration on demand, emotions all displaced" - Inspiration on Demand, Shadows Fall

Money has suddenly become an issue in my life, or rather, it's suddenly being demanded of me to take my time and be frugal. This has led me to take on two jobs at the age of 18, one of which is full time and surely not passive income. I'd like to say I'm not worried about the future ahead, I'd like to say that it's not looming ahead of me with almost no chance of being bright, but if I said those things, I'd probably be lying. I'm going to be a little bit stressed out, and even more than a little bit worried about how it's all going to turn out. It's true, I do have a smart head on my shoulders, but that won't pay my way until I'm out of university.

All of this talk about the future led me to think some strange things, as, I do over think almost everything I do.I started to think about passion, and the passion of man in general. One night, weeks ago, I sat down with my mother and expressed to her the fear I have that my run is over, and that I'll slowly make my way to 30 without doing what I love, and that I'll be severly in debt and worry only about money. Of course she told me I was too young to think like that, but reality says it's probably true. I'm going to be an engineer in four years, but something about that doesn't sit right with me. It's not what I love.

Why I'm becoming what I am is because it's safe, it's the right thing to do. Or is it? Honestly, there is about as much chance of me getting a high paying job as an engineer as there is of getting a high paying job as a musician. I'm thinking now that I took the "safe path" thinking the wrong thing. It's not truly a safe path, simply the one most troden. If I had the strength, if I weren't so fatigued by routine and pressure, I might turn back to the turning point I more or less missed. I might contemplate a little more deeply which path I should've taken. There are probably as many pharmacists in this city as there are successful photographers or photo editors.

I want to play guitar for the rest of my life, and I want to be a father. I want to do two of the things I've always wanted to do. Going to university won't change that, and after I get my bachelor's, maybe I'll have the chance to take the path I never took, but I can't see it happening. Once you're finished you're tied to a post and it's hard to get the momentum up to try again. I can say it's mostly my fault that I'm not already a popular musician, there simply isn't enough effort on my part. I wish there was, and I wish I could say I tried as hard as I could, but I didn't. I let it die because it wasn't safe, and it hadn't got me anywhere before. What I need is group of people who share my passion, right now, so we can catch up on some lost time.

"Whoa oh, you're right or you're wrong" - Who Watches the Watchman, The Prize Fighter Inferno

I was at a show last night, in the heart of the scene, and the emotions and incredible fraternity I felt there was like no other. I felt like I was in the midst of what I'd always wanted to do. I see the bands touring who come through starving but happy, and I feel so much envy for them. I wish I could do that so much, if only for a little while.

I know you all worry about all of this, you all ask the question "Have I done the right thing?" But now, if you have the chance, please take my advice, and stop waiting, because that's what I'm doing. Your dream won't chase you, infact it's running, so don't give it a headstart, and chase what you want right now. If you want to keep waiting, putting it off until you are "ready", stop waiting, because I know from experience that there's no such thing as "ready". You have to dive in head first or you'll lose. I'm already half way down in the deep end, but now I'm going to start my ascent, and you can all look for me, because I'm sick of being like everyone else. I'm sick of not being the individual I'm destined to be regardless.

My music is who I am, not an engineer. Me and my guitar are a symbios, not me and my graphic calculator. Just sick sick sick of waiting because there is no ready, so here I come.

Hate Mail

If you haven't noticed, I've been trying a little less hard to be perfect. If you've noticed, it matters a little less to me if everyone likes me. If you've noticed, you probably like me a little less. It seems like lately I'm weeding out all the people that don't actually like me, the people that don't actually like to be around. If you've noticed, I've almost completely stopped getting the few text messages asking me to just hang out. If you've noticed, I think I have a few less friends now, which is sad, but I guess if I have to push and ask to spend time with everyone, I'll end up spending no significant time with anyone.

"A friend to all is a friend to none" - Aristotle.

If there's been a time when I really wish everyone was on my side, it would have to right now now now, but if you noticed, my side is getting less and less full of people. It seems like an enternity ago that I actually had some one that didn't really need me for something. I think I've got a few left, but the door's been open for awhile, and all I've felt is a slow breeze filtering out. Don't think this is for pity, don't flood me with compassion, because it's overdue, and at this point I'm not sure who's where and who should be where they are.

I know I'm a busy person, I know this is probably mostly my fault, but it's strange the side of people that you see. It's strange that you see the side you saw before in a completely different light now that you're on the side of me where the grass is greener and you're out of my seldom used claw's reach. I'm standing here, waiting, but who knows what might happen if any of us ever got close again.

Here I was naive, thinking graduation wouldn't be so bad, that I wouldn't drift slowly away from each other on the ocean of reality that's coming flooding in. With sails filled with pride we're drifting faster than normal, and it seems like the only direction to choose is away. Off we'll go and in the fading image we'll catch a glimmer of what once was. We'll catch each other at the 10, 15, 25 year reunions, look back on what we all had. Right now is that gap between memory and the future. Right now is that part that almost everyone forgets anyway.

"Throwing punches, at ocean waves" - The gift of paralysis, Evny On the Coast.

I've gotten calls from restricted numbers the last couple of days, and every time I sort of hope it's some one I haven't talked to in a long time, some one who wants to just be friends like we used to be, but it sort of never is. Again, this isn't for pity, don't call me. I wonder if I'm pushing people away, subconciously holding everything at arms length to keep them just far enough away to let go a little bit easier, once again, it would be subconcious, it's not like I'm going to remember today, yesterday of the distant tomorrow anyway, at least not when reunion time comes around.

I've got about a million things I'd love to share with the world, roughly give or take a million, but I don't think any of it will get out there, because at this point I don't know if anyone's listening. If any one actually cares anymore unless I'm saying something malignant about some one else. Do we thrive on spite so much that we love to see them suffer through some one elses words? I think not. For those of you I have said something terrible about, I could say I'm sorry if I was, but I shared my feelings exactly as they were, and that's something I seldom do. If you feel differently about me because of it, then do so. As I said, I'm trying a little less to make everyone like me. It's a little less important to me right now.

"Come to you so clearly, but you don't want to hear me." - Nobody's Listening, Linkin Park.

The world is ready to accept me but I don't know if I can accept it right now. Looking into the thirty year old eyes of myself I wonder what it is exactly that I'm thinking feeling wishing. Do I still have friends? Have I found some sort of somber solace in my on solitude. Do I sit alone in a study with a notebook? I doubt it, I'm a socialite and heart and that'll never change, but I don't know who's in those eyes, which people have been carried in my heart. If I could retain some of the memory of what I have right now, I hope I carry with me this strange feeling. This strange emotion of a swaying screen door and the shouts of angry goodbyes.

As I walk out this door, who knows what could truly become of me, but is anyone looking back to check? I guess I'll find out at the 10, 20, 25 year reunion.

It's been a year.

It seems like I tend to do this in spurts. I go a little while without blogging, and then suddenly I jump into again with some burst of gusto. I like looking back, I suppose, on all the things I wrote in the past. It's funny how my penmanship stays the same, yet the words spilled out of the pen always seem to change. It's as though I can't even really begin to imagine what the world would be like if I couldn't change my writing, or my opinions. Who would I be if I hadn't evolved, or changed from what I was only a year ago. Astounding to think of really.

I'm somewhat of a musician, or more so accomplished than I was. I recorded some songs independently, and by that, I mean I managed to work a digital camera in my favor. I guess they're somewhat amusing, you can find them on facebook, don't be afraid to friend me! However, I warn you, it's not the John Mayer quality tunes you might find while parousing youtube. I take enjoyment in being able to share a jovial tune with the world around me, however, in this day an aged, I must expect to be judged. In less words, I'd appreciate you watching and critiquing, and don't hold the harsh, I'd be glad to see what you say about me, be it good, be it bad.

An abundance of things have happened in which I'm due to elaborate on, however, I feel I should leave out some of the unpleasantnesses on account of the bitter public which may become a viewing audience of this literature. However, when I'm aptly satisfied that prying eyes will not invade, I'll make special note of how my personal life deteriorated and rebuilt in the two months of the past summer. It was bliss, ecstasy, and perhaps the most self destruction I've ever seen, but I digress. There is plenty of time to make note of all the things that have happened, now I feel I should provide you with somewhat of a quality post.

My life, today, has become something I've envied, something I've viewed from the outside for nearly a decade. I've become a funlover and perhaps that's a good thing, perhaps not, however I'm exactly where I want to be. I see the world in a different light now that I've trodden the path away from the straight-edge and I feel it should be a good future for me. I am commited, emotionally yes, and I plan to stay in such a commitment for a long time to come. I believe yesterday was the greatest leap I've taken. To go from unsure of the status, to absolutely concrete in a matter of twenty-four hours is a matter of love itself, perhaps more perplexing than anything I've seen in the last two years. However, the latter was somewhat of a distraught mess, but once again, I digress.

I feel I may end the post now in confidence that you have be subtly recapped on my life. I plan to add some more structure to my morning by attempting a blog each day. Maybe skip a weekend here or there, however, I will be prompt if any become dependent and seeing it each day. I realize how audacious and narcissistic this assumption is, however, I hope I may please the few eyes that will ever graze the fodder of the words that describe my dear life.

Thank you for listening.