Year of the Black Rainbow

Okay... let's face it. This was a bad idea all around.

Coheed and Cambria have titled their new album "The Year of the Black Rainbow", this info was released along with the names of producers and some track names as well. It all looks like it's going down hill unfortunately. Songs like Where Skeletons Live and Here we are Juggernaut, sound like the titles to songs written by a shell shocked poet, not the concept band that we love so much.

I'm just going to come out and say it, this is your fault Roadrunner. You have this incredible ability to pick up bands that are finally hitting their stride, and turn them into absolute shit. The only real correlation between your name and the real thing is that you make every band on your label look like Wiley Coyote. They chase themselves around thinking they've got this great idea (no doubt that they're probably completely supported by your producers) and it ends up exploding in their face. I'm a man for enjoying change, ESPECIALLY when it involves bands who are putting out a fifth of sixth CD, but most times you just end up fucking them up.

Let's look at the production team for this one. We've got big Joe Barresi, and Mr. Atticus Ross of the NIN crew. Now Joe... I'm real happy for you and all, and I'mma let you finish... but young cardinals was probably the shittiest record, OF ALL TIME...OF ALL TIME.

Seriously, it's not like I was a complete Alexisonfire fan, but when that CD came out I was looking for the same alternative hardcore with a taste of everything in it. What did I get? Some over produced roadrunner bullshit, obviously.

Coheed, Claudio, Travis, ect. I don't mean to completely give up faith in you, honest, but the way things are looking... this isn't gonna be my cup of tea. You'll probably turn some new heads, and that's great, but remember who all your old fans are, maybe throw a couple tracks on this one for us, so we'll at least keep the faith.

And uh, Roadrunner, fuck you, nothing good has come of you.

Afterbirth

"Do you feel the respiration?"

It's weird that you've been hear before. You've been here a million times before and still you're finding yourself without words. You don't know what to do and you'd prefer to just not do anything at all. Ignorance is bliss. You just got done convincing yourself, convincing those around you that this was healthy, that this was good, that this was air. You've been here a million times and you still don't know what to say?

What do you feel like when the world's slowly slipping out from under you again? It's the same way you trip on ice. First you stop for a fraction of a second to allow your subconsciously genius mind to do the calculus, to wrench at your core muscles to try to stabilize you. Then you slowly begin to realize that this isn't going to work, and the fall begins. There's one of two ways this next part can go. Your neurons start firing off as fast as they can, doing calculations you're not even aware of. The same way it understands perfectly the trajectory of a ball, or the same way it understands the calculus and dynamics involved with walking, it also understands how to fall. There's a practical side of this too. If your mind can react quickly enough your hands will go out to brace the fall. It'll distribute the weight evenly onto your upper body and off of your more frail back.

If you work out the math, there's almost three seconds for you to catch a ball thrown at a given distance. If you do the math, there's less than a second for your arms to move out beneath you to catch you. This is why there are two ways that this can go. Let's say your mind reacts quickly enough. You catch yourself on your hands, but end up with the sore palms to remind you to be cautious. A slight reminder, that'll fade in time, you'll find yourself tripping again, and falling again, and it'll end up in that same circle. It's the way semantics work in an argument. You can chase some one with words as much as you want, but no matter how much you do this to tire them out, you'll ultimately never get to the nucleus of the problem and just end up right back where you begun in the conversations. Ground zero, displacement = 0.

Now let's say that your mind doesn't integrate the curve that your hands have to travel properly, and it doesn't draw that hypothetical tangent quite right. The velocities don't add up because it's a rushed calculation, and you end up on your ass. You get some bruises, and if you're really lucky, you get that nice fractured tail bone. This'll slow you done, this'll get you what you need. A long lasting reminder of exactly what needs to be done. It's not something you can so easily repeat and walk away from.

"Tired in the days that passed away sporadically arranged across the floor

when you've got it made"

Could you make these things all add up at some point? To trigger some scheduled karma reflux? Just get it all over with? Leave yourself with one consistent lasting reminder? That would be nice, but punishment isn't the make of education. If it doesn't happen sporadically, it doesn't happen at all, and we see it as just that: Punishment. How could you retain punishment, if you're simply being wronged.

We learn from mistakes, and through this we grow.

"That once little boy we used to know...are you willing? Well?"

Maybe impatience is the cause of all this. You're constant will for instant gratification. Could anyone blame you? This would is instant gratification. Cedric Bixler once said that no one's waiting for that roller coaster ride up to a climax anymore, they're just looking for that lasting orgasm again and again and again.

I wish I always remembered how boring that becomes. That slope upwards is exactly what it is that characterizes every result.

Might I remind you, I'd like to see this world without gravity. So we can figure out just what this climb is all about. For everything.

I don't know where I am right now. I guess it's just time to sleep on it.

...

Some days, I'd like to take mass completely out of the picture. No gravitational pull, or attractive force to pull anything together. I'd like to watch everything fall into it's most small and insignificant parts so that I could see everything as it really is. Get a real Kant kind of glimpse at the world around me. Scientifically speaking, humans, or matter at all wouldn't exist, not even energy would exist if Einstein's right. But at the same time, maybe we'll leave just enough mass to keep us solid. Human beings.

With no gravity, with no natural physical attraction, we could base how much we wanted to be with a person, or be around people by how hard we tried to be there, or how well people met half way. You'd have to exert such an incredible effort to move an inch, and then the same effort just to move another. It would be infinite and it would be the most difficult thing you've ever done, but what choice would you make? When we all started floating into eternity, where would you start moving.

Who is home for you?

How much would you long to be somewhere, with some one, or with people. How hard would you try just to be there?

These are the things I ask myself, and for once I'm starting to know the answers.

This an impossibility, and it will never happen. It's simply a dramatic exaggeration to show intention.

Play Crack The Sky

"What they call love is a risk, to always get hit out of nowhere..."

Some one very close to me said they thought it was incredible how emotions could overwhelm you. How when love is gone, the world becomes dull. Sounds aren't as beautiful anymore, you can't taste, you can't feel. You still smell them, you still feel them. I slept the same way I would if she were there.

"I just want him back."

***

It's that time again. You don't take medication because you're stubborn, and it's you being weak. You won't go to bed, because for some reason you want to prove to yourself that you don't need sleep. You're being weak.

You've got some thinking to do, especially now, and you probably won't sleep as soon as you close your eyes like you feel like you will. Your mind's not tired, your eyes are, and even if your mind was tired it'd keep you up, because minds are like that. It's got a canvas and it wants to paint it every color possible so that you can make a story out of all the things to come.

It started with Rutherford, he shot an atom at gold foil. When it collided, projections occured not only infront of the foil after the atom passed through, but it also projected behind the foil.

You call it your future complex, because you want to sound like you have an infinite amount of things wrong with you. There's a complex for everything, so you sound a little bit more interesting, you want to be figured out even though there's so little figuring out to do. Fact is, this future complex means you think about all of the different possibilities before they even happen. You think about them and then you try to make everyone like you so much that your future becomes malleable. It's a complex because this doesn't work. No matter how much you kiss ass there's no way that it's going to work out exactly how you want it to work it. See, this is why it's a complex, it's an infinite number of impossible possibilities.

It was William James next that began the search for multiverse theory. The idea that there are an infinite amount of universes parallel to ours. Each of these universes account for the infinite amount of possibilities each decision made will create. If I choose not to post this blog, if I choose to stop writing here, a new universe is created.

There's a lot of ways you can think about the future. You're a rationalist though. The glass isn't half empty or half full, the cup just isn't the right size for the amount of liquid. So this is why you're so excited about this.

I'm getting to the point now.

You've been waiting to really come into your all. Getting ready to finally take a stand. It's been so long since you've put your foot down that you've been battered and torn and changed into something that you're not even quite sure of. It's strange though, because you retain everything you once were. So it's time to start defining yourself again. This is life, and this what transition must feel like. This is exactly what you wait for, and this is exactly what opportunity is.

Thing is, is that you're happy, and that's what's important. Take it slow take it slow take it slow. These phrases always come together that way. Fact is, you're going to go along this trail because it feels just as right as it always did. You got led astray once, do you remember that? All those thoughts rushing in and violating you the way they did? It was unpleasant to say the least. You've got something going here, it's good.

I wrote something in a moleskin somewhere at some point about words that people say. I read that over, and I think it has a lot to do with what's happening right now.

Block it out and move it. You're alone in your mind, and you've gotta realize this.

This is our bubble.

Doctor

"We know we're not perfect, we love each other anyway,"

It's not something you think about a lot, in lieu of it all. It's not something you necessarily thought happened at all. You're living in a bubble and you had a dream and now you're awake.

If you could take one mistake away, would you? And if you had to take away one mistake, would another one just take it's place? Or is everything just too much to take away all at once? Let's say what happened, happened over a period of time, and there were some things. You couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was that happened, but for some reason you didn't quite feel yourself for a little while. You're home now.

Did you feel that too?

You're home now, and walking through that door never felt so right. You walked into the place that feels so so right to you. Do you deserve it? Probably not. This is you though, and you're going to be like you always are and assume everything will just go on as if you never messed up at all. You're going to pretend it's just going to be "Hunky-dory".

Can I please be naive and be right, just once?

I feel like Othello. I trust almost everything for what it is. I don't second guess something once it's been done, and for that I'm usually turned away and I usually do something in my best interest that puts some one else in a very difficult position. I'm sorry for that, so sorry for that, but this is right, I know this is right, for once I am right.

"Could you stay, a little longer. I could really use some extra time,"

There's a lot of this that still confuses the hell out of me. It's beating time on my head and I just can't shake it. No no no it's nothing to worry about, this is not selfish, this is right this is right this is right.

We got this

The Path

There's a road that you'd never walk, because everything there is filled with so many different forces that you're not sure if you'll fall off or not. This is not a video game, there are no imaginary walls to keep you from straying, there are no real rules here.

You've got about eight feet to be sure of yourself. Tip toe on the brink of turning back. It's got images and it's got sounds. The smells and voices of the days past and you don't know if you can make it. It's like pushing through nostalgia to get to where you have to go.

This is who I am what I've become what the world is now. To be truthfully honest sincerely, I'm not sure what I am now. Did I ever know? Does it matter? Not at all, because this is the perfect chance to sit down and make yourself become whatever it is that's important to you. Break out, stop listening to the faces you see everyday, stop breaking the mold to be part of one. So this is the question, this is your path, do you breathe and move? Or do you turn back.

I'll choose air.

After tonight, there's really no question about it. It was so long and you couldn't even tell yourself why. You couldn't justify what you were doing. There was no means to an end here. It was a cutting of ties with scissors you didn't have the right to bear, nor did you have the reason to bare. Put simply, you were being an idiot.

There's still that real question though, have you really changed? Have those memories clung to you as tightly as you feel? Or are you different, are you there changed. No, no you're not so different. The scenery's changed and it's made you need to prove prove prove something. That's over, that's gone and dead and gone. A good friend of mine put it lightly, "If people can't take who you are, then fuck'em, why bother changing." This is the essence of it.

It's time to grow up and mature and move on. You know it better than anyone else.

Note to self: Think about how you feel about this a little bit more. You don't know what your stomach means.

Shine

Balmer was incredibly interested in hydrogen's light spectrum. The way it's wavelength related to the color it emitted.

I think I'm starting to come across in a strange way. I keep telling myself I need a life change, and I keep contemplating very abstract things, things I would've never dreamed of. I want to stop drinking on the weekend to save money, I want to stop eating meat so I won't accept that lucious piece of pizza at the end of a long night of studying. I want to sleep like a madman, using polyphasic sleep methods to dilate my waking time and gain just enough momentum to get something done with the extra hour a day I gain. I want to do things that I don't even have the will power to do, and I have no idea why.

When n as an integer relating to wave length is less than 380nm, the light is invisible..

I'd like to think that if I pulled one of these incredible bouts of willpower that I won't become a narcissist, that I won't gloat about it, however for some reason I can already feel myself typing a blog about my first week of being a polyphasic sleeping vegetarian who doesn't drink. It's like I need something to add to a repertoire that doesn't need any more strange traits. I want what everyone wants to be smart beautiful healthy but for some reason my ends never justify my means. Maybe it's not time for a life change, maybe I just have to do better what I always did before. Maybe I just need to sleep. Maybe maybe maybe.

As n approaches 7, λ approaches a value of 397nm, and the light becomes Violet.

Once I get to where I want to go, will this ever be good enough, will I ever look just like that, just as I always pictured myself being at the highest of my high, or will I overshoot it, will I descend down some ladder of endless stairs, where each one marks another part of my life where I must excel. This of course will lead to the other things I worked so hard for faltering and failing. As I improve, I will actually fall through the echelons of my achievement.

As n approaches 6, λ approaches a value of 410nm, and the light begins to shine Indigo.

So this is the course I intend to take, as treacherous as it may seem. I don't want to try anything drastic yet, I'll take the common approach and start small, I'll go exactly one week doing something that I want to change for the rest of my life. It's strange how that idea consistently pops up. The rest of my life. The very concept always impeding the progress of whatever it is I want to do. I've done the ten day trial, I've tried to meditate it away before it even happens, but it's just like the game. Once you're consciously aware, it's there again, and it won't go away. The human brain can only subconsciously process up to seven things, once you've thought of seven things, the thought seven thoughts ago is supposed to be pushed out, only to return again at a later date. Try it, I promise by the time you think of seven things to think of you'll be right back at square one trying to remember why you were seven things thinking in the first place.

As n approaches 5, λ approaches a value of 343nm, and the light begins to shine Blue.

If you had one chance to stop this, if you could allow yourself to climb continuously upward without allowing the scales to tip, would you find happiness? Atop the highest mountain of your own personal achievement, is there a tiny conduit of happiness that spills forth all that you've tried for, or is it just a small reminder that as you were climbing you'd dropped something to become light enough to ascend further. And even if you made sure not to forget everything, would you not reach the top only to bask in the success of you're carrying that burden, rather than the development you've sought?

As n approaches 4, λ approaches a value of 486nm, and the light begins to shine Green.

If you've realized by now, there's no real way to do everything, to change completely to allow yourself to be content, it will oscillate and change as you do. Your setting tempers you directly, and there's no way of being completely sure of what you're doing. You may benefit in one way, and I congratulate you there, but there's something lacking. Personally, I play guitar every day, or try to. Some days I have too much homework, or I want to go to the gym, or I simply can't miss supper. Some nights I'm supposed to call my parents, but I get too caught up with my friends. Sometimes I forget to say goodnight to the people who matter most because I'm too caught up writing a blog late into the night.

As n approaches 3, approaches a value of 656nm, and the light shines Red.

I'll leave you with that. Goodnight

Two Days

This weekend has been an adventure. There's no other way to really put it besides that. It's an adventure. I've seen a million faces and I've witnessed more facets of those faces in these short two days than I've ever witnessed before. The small things you take in, the things you wonder worry ponder about are so numerous in these situations that sometimes it's hard to remember all the things you wanted to elaborate on, the things you wanted to share. Some of them of course are completely prominent, the things that came to you so clearly.

1. Kinship is akin likeness. - People are judgmental by nature. People discover cliques, or groups, or common friends who all share this same judgment. I'd like to say that anyone is capable of being completely nonjudgmental, however there is always, in my experience, a set list of rules which one must abide by to truly become part of a persons recognized faces. If you extrapolate one persons set of judgmental rules, you find the rules of their respective clique, and extrapolating further to find the rules of the morals set within this group. If you follow the line directly out, further and further you'll eventually come to a binding rule book that is set by the surroundings and acceptances of a general setting. Though you may not recognize it, this exists subconsciously, for me and for nearly everyone I've met.

Whether or not these rules impact you to the point of loving or hating some one, on the clique mentality level, they're all that matters. In order to become part of a group of friends, to be in a small clique, to be generally accepted, your rules have to mirror the ones that are set by the people who make up the group. Sound complicated? Not entirely. "Do as I do" The greatest form of flattery is the most efficient way to excel socially, though it is not at all fulfilling. It seems to be that the abstract, the ones who completely defy all rules and who fight against conformity, who seem to be envied by most. My best example is a close friend and roommate of mine who shows incredibly signs of willpower which grow every day. He's envied, he's loved, and it's wonderful. This way of nonconformity is so much more difficult, but I'm sure his sense of fulfillment is much greater than the sheep in the pack.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a follower by trade at this point, abandoning my high school leader position to fall into rank, to fit a mold. (My words being my rebellion.) To be considered a follower forever would of course cause me some internal trepidation, however I'm sure this could just be my point of view impeding my social growth. I'm sure there are many groups, especially the ones that I'm a part of that hold now true leader, and the followers are not followers, simply friends. We act as bees without a queen, congregating to for some unconscious effort as friends to create our own bonds and deciding our own boundaries.

I'm rambling on this topic, so it may be revisited.

2. History repeats itself

I dare say I'm about to be vague about this topic. It just seems as though it should be taken note of as it's the theme of my thoughts lately.

It seems as though I've been choosing my company based on the faults of my previous. This seems to be a poisonous routine on my part, as it was the exact process I followed previous to my recent failure. I've dropped into a deficit. If I follow the same path I will fall again (though I may be wrong this is my fear.), however if I take to the opposing road I run the risk of encountering the same failure, as experience has shown both paths are treacherous. If through practice I can some how find a road that is intersecting, a road where my rules are met I may be content, though I am guilty of telling others this is simply not the mentality to have. To find a road that would be the most logical to take (in this sense at least,) often leads to something not wanted in the first place. This is the business of work and temperament, should I take an easy, plowed road, I will not find myself wanting what it is I have sown.

Once again I apologize for being so vague, however if you do understand my last words, any suggestions are appreciated.

In the morning and amazing...

The great thing about waking up is forgetting for an instant about all the things that may have gone wrong for the last few days, weeks, or even hours. It's that part of you that never wants to get angry, never wants to cry, never wants to be euphoric, that wakes up every morning. This may only last seconds, the perfect ignorant bliss, but it's the best part of you waking up. You could say that ignoring everything like this forever would cause you some incredible psychological damage, and it's true, it would probably instill so many different kinds of problems that you may find it hard to maintain ignorance for even a few days. But how nice it could be to always just forget, or ignore everything that's wrong like you do in those first few moments of the day.

I think I study people, subconsciously. I've never really been into psychology, so there's no way of accounting for exactly what it is I see, or what relations I make and add to my mental list of attributes, but for some reason I can cling onto certain details. These details eventually lead to some kind of profound compassion that never really goes away. It doesn't matter how they've wronged me or who they are, I manage to find some clinging compassion in everyone's character. I could have listened to them talk for hours, or they're entire person could be completely assumed from semantics passed over curious ears, either way each person I've ever even been acquainted with has a subsection of my mind where they can find they most intimate compassion I can provide.

You could say I'm spread out, completely torn apart and can't care for each person equally but I think I may actually have some ability to switch something over, and provide all the love needed for each person to be cared about. In a completely unrelated way, some one said something that impacted me a lot today, he is an engineering instructor of 20 years, and seems like an incredibly "intuitive" person. (I thought I'd stop using the word intuitive, but a certain some one's tempered my beliefs on the use of that word.) He said that there was an old joke about generalists and specialists. It went as follows "Generalists, are people who learn less and less about more and more. These people eventually end up learning nothing about more and more. Specialists are people who learn more and more about less and less. These people eventually learn more and more about nothing."

This is a reflection of my own life, and the way I've spread myself out into a million different areas. I'm a jack of all trades, but an ace of not a single one. I think it's my way of trying to branch out in every direction to make as many connections as humanly possible. Although this is sometimes a virtue, my connections end up being the connections of a generalist, they begin to become more and more of nothing. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not, because as I stated before I'm some one who prides himself on sharing equal compassion for all the people in his life.

If I could be as ignorant as I'd like to me, none of these worries would bother me and I'd be able to go about my day as a normal person. Or maybe, my perception of what a normal person thinks about is dangerously skewed. I'm not entirely sure. For now all I consider is exactly what happens when I interact with these people.

All I am is who I am, but not in the sense that others are attracted to me through them, they simply make up all that I am physically and psychologically.

improvement

Today

I want to

Begin

Anew

And try

to do something

I've never done before.

I want to really commit

to something.

And who knows that it is.

But when I lay my head down.

In an hour.

I want to have made

A resolution.

Eyes parted three ways

It be strange to see the world from an entirely different perspective. Your entire life you've been seeing everything through the same eyes, speaking with the same voice, observing with the same intuition. To think that it'd be possible to truly live through some one else, in every way is astonishing. You wouldn't have to wonder anymore what people truly thought of you, or at least not one person. Is your character ambiguous and confusing, or is there a constant thought that embodies your person? Who would know, because our minds are threaded with constantly changing thoughts and emotions. One moment you could be one thing to some one, and through traumatic thought or event you could become something completely different. Beauty to beast, enigma to incredibly real.

If there is a stigma attached to you, you'd be able to plot it out. The words that are subconsciously connected with just having your name spoken.

did you ever really know before, my mind, scared to think?

It's not really something you niggle upon to the endless hours of the night, not if you're perfectly sane. It's merely a passing thought for a lot of us. Though even the narcissist ponders for hours on outward appearance, he thinks not for a second upon the painted thoughts of others. There's no reason in thinking constantly what your words mean to others, if they are spoken they cannot be completely unsaid. Freudian slips are there for a reason, and apology for such a phrase would be lying against your own character.

To put it simply, if you go back on words you've once said, you're damaging the beliefs you held strongly enough to berth to their emotion.

There's probably a world out there, somewhere buried in the echelons of our dreams, where we can all see in the colors of everyone's psyche, creating a canvas from the morals they truly carry, however this is reality, this is today. Realistically speaking, there's no way of knowing anyone's true intentions, and there's no real way of knowing if your own intentions are true.

Intuition is a lie because we don't have the capacity to see all the information upon speaking. Our tools are not adequate and our voices not nearly just. Immanuel Kant spoke of the Ding an Sich (which translates to thing-in-itself) which is the absolute entity of an object, observed to it's full capacity. A capacity that we do not have. Until we may actually be able to see a thought, realize a dream, as it's ding an sich, intuition will simply be a lie.

Not in a cruel sense, we're not all unfaithful liars, or pathological cheats. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault.

It truly will never be your fault, because not even you are you-in-yourself.

Work

To spend most of your life on a trend of easy success and acceptance is a crippling existence. Don't misinterpret this, you shouldn't take the easy triumphs for granted, they're not something that should be immediately turned away, however, in retrospect to not have to work towards a goal is something that has been hamartia of my own. My habits don't reflect my future don't facilitate my progress don't ease my mind in the work I have set before me. My body does not wish to push towards anything difficult, and my mind does not wish to toil today, over prospects of an easier tomorrow.

I wish I could make this clearer, but my ambiguity allows you all to relate.

Sir, I'm sure not everyone can relate to this.

For some reason I worry that not all the people that read this will be able to take something from it, but hopefully even those of you who are incredibly different from me can become somewhat acquainted with my situation. I wouldn't like to say this change in tenacity is going to make me bitter, but lately it's left me exhausted. The fruit of my effort has not been completely ripe either, yet for some reason I've kept my old mentality that working towards something broken will eventually lead to something complete.

Sir, that mentality's never gotten you anywhere.

This is a new life, I understand that, and I'm sure you all understand that as well, so take up the charge with me and we'll try to help each other adapt as easily as possible. Crippling the demons of procrastination and calling to arms the power we all have to take up a challenge. I'm amazed with the capability everyone here has to do that. I've never been one to actually have that happen, be a part of something so like me yet at the same time have such diversity in personality. Like I've said before, I don't really have a niche here, but maybe this strive towards a better tomorrow for ourselves is exactly what we all have in common.

Sir, you're talking poetically again.

I wouldn't say all of this linear work has left me uninspired, but it has surely allowed some of my musical self to leak into other areas of my life. Conformity taking place of creativity once again. It seems to be a bit of a cycle for me lately. Another example to add to my growing lists. I think I could be slightly autistic in that sense. The way I always think in detailed lists rather than in aspects and possibilities. If anything from that list becomes flawed or indistinguishable, everything suddenly begins to fall apart.

Maybe I've just got some strange flaw that way. I've found a lot of them.

Sir, remember that you are a disease, you don't want to go back to that.

Thinking that maybe next time I could send some one else into that downward spiral still scares me to. I remind you this is completely off topic. Last time and last time's last time I became somewhat of a disease in my own mind. I elaborated in a blog once, but it seems I've lost it. I just have to keep pushing and pushing and pushing away until I can't believe that anymore. It's got a lot to do with falling, but I don't know, I don't want to know, I have to stop thinking about it.

Sir, you should be working right now.

Tonight

Stop Treating

Tonight

Like it's

The end

of the world.

You have days

made of hours

made of minutes

made of seconds

to change all

of it.

But tonight,

to all of you

is the end

of

the world.

Catch Up

As of 12 hours ago you had just finished another assignment. As of 12 hours you'd just written another blog. 720 minutes ago, you'd finished folding and putting away the laundry that you just finished (you've only ever done it yourself a few times afterall). 43200 seconds ago you'd just sat down to dig into the wizard of oz because some one told you you'd find such great meaning in it (And she hasn't been wrong yet). 4.32E+07 milliseconds ago, you sat here and listened to your speakers blasting out some melancholy rhythm because it felt just-like-home (Sir, you know it's not really the same thing.)

In 24 hours you'll have accomplished a few other things, maybe a chemistry lab, maybe some studying for the three midterms you have in the three day span. In the next 24 hours you're going to think about her at least 1440 times. In the next 1440 minutes you're going to do more homework than you did in your entire stay in high school, and you're going to think at least once every minute about how you let her go. In the next 86400 seconds you're going to have listened to your new iTunes playlist over at least 6 times, and you're going to remember never to regret anything you do, and never give up on what you believe is right.

Sir, In 8.64E+07 milliseconds you could be a whole new person.

With all the time in the world like this you start to see things move so much more slowly, only to find that the clock kept going the same speed. Everyone moves a little bit slower, procrastinating in the way that only a university student can, yet the clock ticks ticks ticks at the same constant pace that it always has. Or organs and our skin all oxidize at the same exponential rate that is specific to our own body and our blood pumps through and back through our veins with the appropriate gait. Yet because everything goes so slow, we feel immortal, and we feel like nothing we do could ever change the way future might turn out.

Sir, it's not right to think about regret.

There's going to be a crossroads soon, it's not like I can't feel it coming on. I feel like I have some sort of empathy with the world around me that for one reason or another causes me sense when people are slowly going to form cliques around me and I'll be left to use my pity to try to attract some clique of my own. It's the part of me that I've always been really scared of admitting to. I'm not some one who can adapt well, it's more or less an accept me or leave me out to dry kind of mentality. But there's one problem with being like that and being here.

Sir, it appears you're stuck in high school.

If I could just be back home, I could be the same way, because all of you still think the same way, you're all still the same people, and I can't associate you with people here. I'm sorry, to everyone back home, but you're all so different, you all belong to the mentality that I love and cherish so much, yet at the same time, I fear in my adaptation here that my scope of your emotions will begin to elude me and I'll change. I could be over analyzing, and I could be a little bored. For once, maybe I'm right? (Sir, that's a scary thought you'd be best not indulging people with).

I sound like a self proclaimed conspirator. The inside of my being and my emotions being a constant changing state, and my conscious their terrorist, or rather, their inconvenience. My inner thoughts causing trepidation in every moment to the struggling countenance that wishes to remain real and unchanged.

Sir, you should just go get some air, this is all too much to try to think about all at once.

Sir, it's best you stop wondering.

Niche

It's strange the way words stop flowing with incredible ease from your body. It's also strange that you can simply stop being the same person you were because your surroundings have become drastically different. You spent your whole life working for this son, breaking down and analyzing everything so you could understand it just enough to keep everybody happy. Does it matter now?

Does it matter at all?

Did it then?

What do you think?

I'd rather not know.

There's a lot of questions that I'd like to ask the me of five years in the future, like should I really try to fit into the right niche like I did in high school, or should I be myself. Some one told me that one night, that I have to be myself and stop pushing so hard. Thank you, and you might know who you are, but if you don't I'll make sure to thank you personally. Just so you'll really know.

Did I mention

Thank you

It's not entirely a question of whether I should make everyone like me, it's a question of how much effort, or how much sacrifice I should make through my own character to attain some kind of status where I'll be accepted and acceptable by everyone that lives in this house.

Did I mention,
I'm an adult now

Frosh frosh frosh. I'm a first year resident of student housing, and I suit the name quite well. It's the way I want to be I suppose. Relate myself to the closest stereotype to my status, do it well, then come back to blow them away by moving up the ranks. This is how high school went this is how life has always been this should be easy. THIS SHOULD BE EASY. Okay slow down, you shouldn't even be thinking about it. Listen to her advice, stop trying so hard. Stop pushing pushing PUSH. It's all you know how to do, but I advise you step back and allow yourself a light moment to reflect and realize where you want to be. Realize what niche you belong to.

Did I mention,

This'll be easier if you let go of that silly ideal.

So it's true, you know that not everyone will like you. Where do you go from here? Do you be bitter when they don't come looking? No, you embrace the ones who do come looking for you. If you're the one that came by tonight, because you heard some music, and you felt like you wanted to listen, thank you. You know who you are, and right now, I think we're pretty good friends. Do you mind if I say that? I hope you don't. It feels good to know that some one really cares.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not upset, I'm not bitter distressed upset. I've got a lot of people who do care about me here, I just haven't had to go looking in a long time. Those two who recently came into some bad contact with a crawling fish, thank you. For being there when I really needed some one. I look forward to having some one that really cares about me, and after so little time, so close by. You make me know I'm going to be just fine okay good.

It's not really much to say you know, it's just a little thank you to all the people who've been around just lately. I probably can't afford to live like I'm about to, but I'm going to, and it's nice to have an arm there to support me in my foolish endeavors. For the one who said I don't have to worry about drugs because now I have a drinking buddy, thank you, and you know who you are.

The one who sings like an angel, the one who just wants a bed time story, the daughter of a seamstress and my own rival chef. The only appreciator of satch, the man with the mind to ask me for help with the way the world pulls us down and the one who can create a slight sexual indulgence in any word said. The one who shared their food because they wouldn't be there and wouldn't have it wasted. You all know who you are, and you're all making this incredibly easy for me.

If I thought that I'd be in a world where I couldn't have people like me, I obviously didn't look at all the ones who sat back and really took me in this month. And you held me up in something that was so difficult for me that you might not even have known about. As long winded as this is, I find it mildly appropriate, for anyone hanging onto my life from afar, they need the details as much as I want to give them to them.

Splash, I know you're probably out there, listening right now, because you've always been there for me, and you're always going to be there. I can't wait till I can come home and we can go flying on your new horse. It's just something that I miss. One of the little things that I took for granted while I was away, and forgive me for speaking in code, but sometimes it's better to leave people wondering you know? I figured I'd give you your own little session here, to let you know that you're the one part of home that I wish I could've brought with me, just so that we could get back to our roots and cause some trouble like we always had. It's just something I think about quite constantly.

If you made it all the way to the end, I sincerely appreciate it, my words are all of me, and to take this all in, even if I don't know you've read it, means worlds to me.

Cats

I think I'm going to write an entire post about cats, and strange coincedences that have a lot to do with cats and ect. It seems like a lot of people really enjoy these furry feline creatures, and of course I do too. Does this make me strange? Hell no it doesn't, I just really really enjoy cats. I mean how could you not enjoy cats, LOOK AT THEM!

Seriously, if you can look at that picture and come back without having a little cute awwww moment, then you have to go look again. But take a good hard look into their little kitty eyes. Look so deep that you feel fluffy and innocent yourself. Feel that? That deep sense of awww, that's what you're looking for. This is Kitty Yoga, and we're loving it. How could you not love it, I defy you to not enjoy this next one, I mean honestly, they're cats, it's just cute.

Don't you seem them and just melt! Melt into your chair from sheer love and adoration. Look at those kitties! Just sitting there, so innocent and adorable. We won't tell that heavily white chested one that he's adopted though, because a kitty that's aware of it's adoption so early in life often can't cope with it and will turn into a bad kitty, and if there's one thing in this world we don't want it's a bad kitty. I mean, if it's sorta bad and only paws at you affectionately with it's paws, then it's okay, it's just a playfully mean kitty. But I'm talkin' one of those really fucked up kitties. Like the kinda kitty that'll take your hair and pull that shit out. I mean those fuckers just don't give a SHIT! Mean kitties will fuck your shit up so bad that you won't even be able to step out of your house without checking your back twice for a furry flurry of fearsome fucking up of your shit! LOOK AT THIS MEAN FUCKING KITTY!

He is just screaming DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS! Definitely made aware far too early of his kitten adoption. So like I said, don't fuck with that kitty adoption shit, it's just too harsh.

Anyway, I'm still lovin' the cute kittens, all furry and docile, sittin' around the house, chillin' with a saucer of milk. I mean seriously, there is NO MAMMAL that can't drink milk and chill like a cat. It's like they were built with a mellow mode and only a mellow mode. Especially if they're really really fat, cause just like obese people, they move very little, and only care about food and sleep. (Disclaimer: Obese humans often indulge in many other activities such as WoW, KFC and Nickleback) But these little kitties only like to do that, and love their lives.

Have you ever seen how happy a cat is whilst laying in the sunlight on top of an armchair. Have you seen this? CAUSE HE'S FUCKING CONTENT!

There's only one thing you've go to worry about when you're dealing with kitties though, and it's what not to mess with. You've gotta make sure not to FUCK around, with THIS!

Do what you like with household objects and such to entertain them, but just do not FUCK around with dogs. It's not how it goes down. How you ever seen a cat confronted by a dog about taxes before? Me neither, but it would probably turn out like Tiny Stash and his David Stars. Like honestly, DO NOT FUCK WITH DOGS.

If there is one thing every really good kitty needs though, it's a deadly ass fucking toy. And there's one thing that your content kitty could not live without. Know what I'm talking about? Do you already understand exactly what it is you have to buy your little kitty? Because I'm 100% fucking sure as to what it is your feline friend needs.

THIS SHIT!

HO-LEE FUCK! Look at that yarn. I'm pawing my screen right now I'm so excited. You have gotta have this shit. I don't mess around with my yarn or kitty, and you shouldn't either.

Now go appreciate your cat with some yarn and don't fuck around with any dogs.

I don't know why I wrote this. It just came flowing out.

Fatalism

If at any point of your life you realized that you haven't done everything that you wanted to before you died, tell me what it is. I want to know. It seems to bring me comfort that some people in this world have some of the same lost aspirations that I do. This is the kind of thing I sit up worrying about at night, so give me a little peace of mind and let me know that I'm not the only one. Tell me I'm not the only one staying up at night wondering what I'll be doing when I'm 30, wondering if my plateau is already past like some sort of stereotypical white trash poptart.

It's all the things you wish you did, and here are a few of mine, just some thoughts before the end of the night.

> Write a Novel

> Put more effort into my musical qualities

> Become closer with the people I love deeply

> Someday be a father

I wish some of it was more material, but honestly, my mind isn't as centered on that right now as it usually is. Today I was comfortable with my body for a brief time, and in those moments I could feel happy and focus on exactly what it was that is important. I got spinning on the subject and those are what I came up with. Could you say my ambitions are set far too high? Could you say I have too many dreams, well I may, but it's not spread so thin that it's impossible. Someday I might actually achieve what it is that I've put there.

Today has been productive in the sense that I haven't really been down on myself. Today has been the day that I've taken what nice things that have been said about me, and put them in a pile for evaluation. Take the compliments and rank them from 1 - 10, that sort of thing, just to see if it adds up, if any of this effort is worth it.

If I had the psyche that I used to, I'd find some way to tell myself that it's not about the acceptance I recieve, it's about the satisfaction of putting something I love out there. This is if I had the perfect psyche, but when effort goes unrewarded, it becomes somewhat of a painful realization when nothing quite turns out like it was supposed to.

Resolved that I write a novel, and I never give it to anyone, my heart will be saved, but I will never be asuaged and I will never know what it might have reaped. Resolved that I do put it out into the public, and the reception is bad, I will be a little bit heart broken, but at the same time it could be simply adding up to any expectation I might have had. Resolved that the recpetion is good, I may actually do well, and things will turn out better than expected. The latter is rarely ever the case with people who come from where I come from. It's a rare case that the small town author or musician is the one who makes it, but this could also be because of low population concentration and the hoard of self-fulfilling prophecies that go with it. Saint John is a plague regardless, but maybe I'll actually pull away from the infinite fog and become something.

Maybe

If anyone holds any hope for me I'd love to know it. If you think anything I've written on here is worthy of a story, or worthy of a voice, a narrator, than please let me know, maybe I'll actually get the motivation I need. I think I really just need a deadline to keep me focused, or some one constantly pushing from behind to remind me that I'm not nothing.

These are all thoughts and considerations, but who knows if any of it is significant. Chances are not that many people will read this and even fewer will reply. This is my expectation, this is likely how it will be led. Maybe for one I'll just be proven wrong and I might get the helping hand I've been grasping for.

Maybe

Drop the ball

"You might as well be blind if seeing is believing" - If God Only Smokes Cheap Cigars, Envy on the Coast

It seems like sometimes you just can't help but drop the ball. Like everything's going good and then suddenly you end up screwing up regardlessly. I thought about this, a lot. Thought about the preservation of peace, the keeping of a good thing, and then I started to realize just how futile it must be. How impossible it would be to not make a mistake, because for some reason no matter how much any human being tries, something always seems to happen to ruin something that's been perfectly good. Some event takes place, some one just has to drop the ball.

If you look at human history, there are crests and troughs, there are inclines, declines and everything you can think of in the span of a simple wavelength. If you break that wave link down you can see the individual crests and troughs of individual civilizations, continents, races, ect. Theoretically you can see the direct cause of a particularly deep trough. You break down that wavelength and you start to get personal. At this point it would be barely visible, probably so minute in the actual scheme of things that no one seems to notice it happen at all, however if this small and microscopic part of the graph were not there, the rest of civilization wouldn't have a graph either. Anyone who feels insignificant, this is your chance to realize everyone's a part of the grand scheme. But I digress. When you get personal you start to see the individual crests and troughs of your own life, and then in breaking that down, the different events in your life that have influenced you.

Right now, I'm looking at the graph of something that's been running for almost a year now, and for some reason, my skill must be flawed. I see the crests stretch for days, weeks sometimes, rarely ever a month, and then some mistake of mine sends it plummeting again. It's because I always base the fault on myself. If you look back you can see in former posts that I went as far as seeing myself as a disease. This is still how I feel. I feel like I curb people's emotions because I make it alright for them to blame anything on me, and therefore they create more instances to lay more blame simply because it's the easiest thing to do. For the record, blaming yourself never really works, there's always some one else involved, because every event in our world is kinetic, and being kinetic requires a force and medium for the force to act through. For the record, you're never upset because of yourself, there's always something else there forcing you into your own hole.

For the record, even though I'm worried about her being worried about how my actions might play out next year, it still really bothers me that no one asks to hang out anymore, and that I'm almost always too worried to ask to do anything in fear of actually seeing that people don't like me anymore.

"Stutter as muttered, a startling repititous phrase" - The Gift of Paralysis, Envy on the Coast

Back to the stage please I bid you my willful disciples, so that you may see me now take a dive as you've never seen. Into a pit and into somewhere that I cannot assume. Something that will simply consume me. I am who I am but will I be him tomorrow? I could never tell you yes yes yes because that would be simply ridiculous. I am a man and man is bound to change, from ape to walking upright, to cutting fingers and selling sex at night. I can't tell you I'll always be me, that I'll always be walked over, it's just what I have to do.

Does anyone honestly believe that I don't get upset about things? Does anyone honestly believe that I'm actually that trusting? That I don't have all these insecurities too? Does anyone hear me when I say that I only am who I am because I'm afraid of tipping a gentle balance on the edge of fragile fingertips? I am who I am because I cannot confront and collapse a peace that I fight so hard to maintain. Passive and agressive, here is the martyr in me, take what you will and leave me with the pieces of what you decide you can decode with proper maturity.

I'm starting to falter, and I can feel it. Starting to feel my toes touch gravel and starting to feel my eyes burn with the breaching of the horizon. Bright and glowing red it comes and who knows if I can stop it. I just want to speak my mind, I just want to say everything I've always wanted to say to all the people who don't understand or who would be angry to hear.

A little girl told me today that she usually has everything in her brain, but at that moment in time, she had nothing. There was nothing in her brain and she simply didn't know what to do. This is what happens to all of us when there are too many words. It becomes a void of confusion and right now, my friends, my readers, my love. My brain is whole, open and empty.

The Nature of Man

It's amazing how we hold ourselves as human beings. It's not the way it once was, when chivalry existed and everything was exactly as it should be because everyone did their part. Every person had a role that they played because that was how it worked most easily. It amazes me now that I'm back in the roll of a part time worker as well as a full time worker. In this world, we have jobs because of the wide spread laziness. We have jobs because each man leaves behind a piece that must be cleaned up by some one else. We no longer have the opportunity to simply allow things to move as they should.

When one thing is left behind, it will eventually be moved by some one else. A job created simply to fix the neglect of another. It'll be forever like this, and it continues down, one man stands on another and another and another and it goes all the way down. Just as Atlas stands atop his turtle, and the turtle below that. Small actions weighted and transferred throughout the echelons of oft forgotten laborers. Some day, maybe we'll be able to see beyond all this, but as it stands, we as a people are lazy and require some one to clean the mess that we leave behind. It is our nature, and it always will be.

Another big part of our world, is that it is fueled forever by money. These small jobs are degrading, yet always met because of the need for money. Long before the french revolution and Voltaire, and long after Lafayette and his attempts to meld the mentality of the citizen and royalty, we have lived with a split personality. There will always be the upper and lower class, seldom melding together to meet a privileged few middle class men. If there was some way to get rid of all this, if there was some way we could come back into the ideal roots we once had, perhaps we could truly be happy again.

Don't think I'm preaching Marxism here, it's far from that. He may have got it right, but I could never truly know. If there was a way to tell, then I'm sure I would have looked into it, but sadly there is no way to simulate the motion of a world that is entirely socialist. Maybe someday we can predict how this capitalism will eventually destroy us, or maybe we can already see it as the rich plateau and the poor are too poor for them to feed off of. The graph that represents world presumed world population growth and many other things in nature, maybe very well represent how our economy is capping and falling.

If that isn't reason enough to be even a little bit scared, I don't know what is. Thing is, is our world will eventually feed itself into it's own economic and ecological death. Resources and money will run out, and the space tethers creating a new world in distant space will eventually fray and fail us. It's terrifying to me, but I'll probably be dead by the time any of this becomes reality.

If I could have it my way, I'd be working with these statistics already, going into engineering may be a bad choice, because the chemicals I'll be studying for efficiency will probably start to run out, and my life will become a race to find something to save us all from living in an empty world.

If you want my advice, if that's what you've come looking for, than I can offer very little. Just listen to these words, and try to heed them without hesitation. Do what is asked of you and more, leave nothing for the next person to finish for you, because if we can all try, even a little bit to help those below us, some how we may grow into a more compassionate and cohesive world. That way, in a small amount, we will grow and start running toward a better future. All of the ecological saving is helping, but it's not economy saving, and that's what we need to survive. It's psychological saving that needs to be put out there to help each person become who they must be to work coherently with the language of a unified world.

Symphonic

It makes me a little bit sad that the new song had such small reception, it's like I bleeding into a niche that has long since been deemed obselete. Part of me wants to look back and just quit, because a lot of the effort I've been pumping out has been resulting in nothing, but at the same time I'm inspired by the few people who have taken their time to go on and give me props. It means a lot if only a few people really enjoy what I do, because I do it because I love it, not because I want everyone to like it.

Simply said, I'm going to trying more and more to put something out there that everyone can enjoy and take in. I want to make something absolutely beautiful, something that will make people go back and put it on loop. It's the way I felt when I heard beautiful music, it's the same emotion that I got when I felt the effort they put into the song. You can feel it, and you can hear it. If it's any consolation, I did almost 100 takes trying to get the harmonies right. I just want it all to be perfect so that everyone that hears it can understand just how deeply I feel about the music that I'm making.

If you want the lyrics, I'll post the composite version of them here, however they were altered a little bit on account of the rythms I use in the song, so don't take them as biblical literature.

I Might

Sweet disguise

Another day

Of different kind

You will be

All I ask

All I need

Poison to me

I need

Satisfy the primal urge

Strengthed by the growing surge

I make a request

At the fall of night

I bleed in innocence

To fall, I might

Pray tonight

For sincerity

Of a sinful kind

Plentiful

This horrowshow embrace

Sentimental

Crippled and incased

I make a request

At the fall of night

Sweet sentient chest

Soft rhythmic tight

So there you have it, the lyrics and the meaning of the song you may or may night end up listening to. Maybe it'll help you like it a little bit more? Which ever, at least the message and the emotion is out there in another way that I enjoy to express myself in. Spoken word, written word, lyrics, poetry, some of the things I can use to extract the images from my brain. Once again, I wish I were a photographer, because I could give you an image to go with all of this, but sadly the image is trapped in my head because I chose the path of the musician.

If this was dungeons and dragons, I'd be a lone bard with a lute and a pen. Safe to say that I wouldn't be doing too much to a dragon, but I could sure as hell ring in some high quality gold from a select few people.

I wish it weren't true, but I think the music scene is slowly dying. If you listen to Simple Plan's new song, you can feel how synthetic it is. Now don't let me take away from a good synth player, it's just strange to hear a band that was once organic, be metamorphed into a band of computers. It's imagination transfered to the computer, transfered to sound. It's missing one important component, which is the human component. To me, nothing technologically perfect is actually music, it's the small flaws and the unnecessary undertones in harmonics that you hear in songs that truly makes it music.

If I could sacrifice the little part of myself that worries about everyone else liking what I do, then maybe I can actually start to write music exactly as it is supposed to be. There will always be time to improve it, and there will never be a true finish point, because in reality, when you love something deeply, there is no end. There will always be a future, and the same thing goes for a piece of music.

For me and Julianna, I can see the same thing, a distant and opaque future. There's nothing completely for sure about it, but I'm sure it's love so I know that there will be no perceivable end until that love runs out. If it does, though I have my doubts at this point that it really ever will. We're dynamic, and as Splash Gordon so lovingly put it, we compliment each other perfectly. A piece of music, a girlfriend, it's all much the same thing with different skin.

So as I usually do, I'll leave all of you a little piece of advice, once again this is provided that anyone actually makes it this far into the post. According to my statistics the average visit time on this site is roughly two minutes and thirty four seconds, so I'm not sure this will get seen at all. Anyway, what I have to say to any of my readers, is that you shouldn't try to percieve anything in incredible detail, just enough to know it and to make the neccesary assumptions. If you analyze all of the things in your life than you will never grow to love them and enjoy them.

Trying to know everything about everyone you know and everything you do takes all the mystery away, and in turn makes the future an endless list of repetition. People aside, this will make your mind turn on itself and abandon whatever it knows everything about first, simply because it's trying to save you from impending monotony in your life. So here I leave you with that. Make your life ambiguous and make you life full of love.

What can you possibly expect under this condition

There was point when I stopped caring about music, and I know it's terrible, because music has been everything that is my passion. Lately it seems like I'm picking the torch back up, there are little jotted down tabs in my moleskines and there are constantly notes flitting through my head. I'm always whistling something and recording it with my phone, it's directly along the lines of Beethoven's insanity in deafness, except I'm not as amazing as Beethoven, and I'm not deaf, however I'm getting there.

I think I should recount some of the things pushing me back to music. One would most definitely be December Fall Out. They've been doing all the things I would love to be doing, and I adore them for it. They've shown me that effort can get me exactly what I want, and by going to all of their shows and being one of their biggest fans I could say that I'm living vicariously through them. Trying to jump up on stage and sing harmony has made me a little bit more a part of everything I want to be. I'm trying as hard as I can to give as much as possible to Panda Farm so we can get there too, but it's getting harder and harder lately with all of us already feeling the strain of the inescapable hiatus that is going to happen in August.

Next, I can attribute some of this to Dan from Carpenter. He hung out with me and J for a little while at the DMCC show this past Sunday, and he was so down to earth, and still so concerned and caring for the people around him even though he was already broke and probably struggling to stay in high energy with his tour. Watching him play after he bought something for J and talked to us as friends even after just meeting us was an amazing experience, and I'll probably never forget it. Maybe he'll be around in Newfoundland to give me another little push in the right direction. I can only pray that's how it turns out.

I am committing a sin also played at that show on Sunday, and seeing their cohesive structure and hearing their beautiful harmony has made me once again, inspired to do what I've always wanted to do. It's just how right it feels being in touch with people who are living the dream that I've always wanted to live. The guitarists that I stood and watched in awe moments before actually unveiled their elusive pedal boards to me because of my interest. They talked to me like a peer because I think some how they knew that I would actually use the information they were imparting me with.

So maybe you'll see more from me musically in the future, it's a possibility, however I still have to get some momentum going again as far as writing music goes, it'll probably a little bit of a process getting that going again. I've been down and out for so long that I'm not sure I've got it in me to make things that will pertain to the interest of a broad enough audience. It's a worry I've always had when releasing something (even these blogs) and it surely hasn't gone away, if not it's doubled ten fold with my personal hiatus. I'm going to try though, that's exactly what's been lacking in my life, is an excessive amount of effort.

To anyone who's reading, I want you to try to reach out to the people who are living exactly as you would like to be. They don't have to be rich, they don't even have to be outwardly happy, I just want you to talk to the people doing exactly what it is you want to be doing, be it a local author, musician, photographer, just anyone. First off, give them as much appreciation as you can, because chances are, they were like you at one time and a little pat on the back is the least they deserve after all of their effort. Secondly, ask them how they did it, so that you can climb the steps the way that they did, and perhaps someday become like them. Talent usually has a lot to do with fame sadly, so sometimes they won't have much of a story to tell, sometimes it's purely by accident, but if you catch some really good advice, it'll go a long way.

Thirdly, live a little through them, ask them about their experiences, about the journey they made to get to where they are. They'll probably have a good story to tell, and through that you can either figure out that you really want to do it, or maybe it's just not the right thing for you. I know I was turned away from my job as an electrical engineer when I found out that an EE program leader has been delegating tasks for a mobile network at Aliant. That has nothing to do with what I want to do, and even though it pays well, that's not the life that I want to lead.

Give it a try, I promise your appreciation will be well heeded, and chances are (so long as you aren't audacious) you'll be greeted with the same appreciation. It's all a hard thing to do, I understand, because hesitation is often bred by exclusive recognition, but if you're lucky, you'll be able to see through your shy side and really dig deep with your "idol".

If there was something worth knowing

I'd like to say I'm mad upset scared, but at this point I'm not sure if I have the right to be. There's a lot of things that I can attribute to being naive in the first place, to never pulling the leash in fear of pushing some one further away. I know I trust people too easily, make them my friend as fast as possible in hopes that they'll not stab me in the back in the future, but how has that ever worked. When I'm not around I'm simply not around and there's nothing I could do to defend any one or myself.

It's the way it's always been, I'm pushing myself to be so compassionate, but at the same time I don't know if it's working. Would you hurt me if you knew I was trying to be a good guy? I'm not sure it matters to everyone, even the ones I know so well. That's probably what worries me the most now, is that deep down somewhere I know and yet I'll never drive the point home hard enough to actually get my point across to someone. The worst part is, is that even now that I know I probably won't do anything because I don't want to believe it happened at all, I don't want to tarnish any one's image for me or for anyone else.

I've always been like this, and I probably always will be, just nice and naive enough to keep everyone at arms length and looking at me in positive light, but who knows if that'll ever be enough. I am who I am for I reason though I suppose, the neuron bridges with the acid in the way it's supposed to and even though it's tempered, who says it'll ever change completely. I just accept people despite reputation and warning.

I won't let anyone get so close to me again, I'm not that naive anymore, but maybe that's not the only thing I have to worry about. Actually, there is no maybe, of this I'm sure. If there was something that was worth knowing, it would be truth. I know I don't sing the last part of those lyrics, and it often doesn't even pertain to this situation, it was linked initially to adoption, but now that ever sung chorus means more in my life. To think I would keep something a secret on purpose, is defiling everything I've built up as my personality. It's just not who I am.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't anger, this isn't bitter, like I said before, I don't deserve to feel like that. I'm long over it, even though I've found out only recently. It's far far in the past, but it scares me only a little bit, because what's to stop the next CS or JE from doing the same thing again. It'll probably always be there, and I'd love to blindly trust every person I meet, and chances are it'll be unconditional trust for a little while, but I can't go on forever assuming my actions will in turn temper everyone else's.

It's simply not the way of the world, and I don't want you all to think that way. I know there's a million nice guys out there, and a million nice girls (though most don't act the same way, they're smarter than that) and we simply have to stick together for each other. If something happens, and it shouldn't be happening, tell the nice guy, nice girl, because chances are they don't see it. It's just them blindly assuming everything's okay, and no one's out to hurt anyone or anyone's anyone by association. I'm not throwing innocence around, it's just as much fault of the naive party, but don't be blunt. Be there for them.

For any one out there who is overly benevolent and especially so to those who they feel they don't trust, you can drop the facade, you can let it all go, because now, at this point in my life I'm starting to realize the falsehood and the pain it causes. We have to be ourselves, and we have to wear our insecurities sometimes so that others don't take advantage of our lack of action in the past. They think we'd never strike, never take to arms and battle through any injustice on some one else's part. Nice guys, and nice girls, we are here, and we're done with being trampled over.

Inspiration

"Inspiration on demand, emotions all displaced" - Inspiration on Demand, Shadows Fall

Money has suddenly become an issue in my life, or rather, it's suddenly being demanded of me to take my time and be frugal. This has led me to take on two jobs at the age of 18, one of which is full time and surely not passive income. I'd like to say I'm not worried about the future ahead, I'd like to say that it's not looming ahead of me with almost no chance of being bright, but if I said those things, I'd probably be lying. I'm going to be a little bit stressed out, and even more than a little bit worried about how it's all going to turn out. It's true, I do have a smart head on my shoulders, but that won't pay my way until I'm out of university.

All of this talk about the future led me to think some strange things, as, I do over think almost everything I do.I started to think about passion, and the passion of man in general. One night, weeks ago, I sat down with my mother and expressed to her the fear I have that my run is over, and that I'll slowly make my way to 30 without doing what I love, and that I'll be severly in debt and worry only about money. Of course she told me I was too young to think like that, but reality says it's probably true. I'm going to be an engineer in four years, but something about that doesn't sit right with me. It's not what I love.

Why I'm becoming what I am is because it's safe, it's the right thing to do. Or is it? Honestly, there is about as much chance of me getting a high paying job as an engineer as there is of getting a high paying job as a musician. I'm thinking now that I took the "safe path" thinking the wrong thing. It's not truly a safe path, simply the one most troden. If I had the strength, if I weren't so fatigued by routine and pressure, I might turn back to the turning point I more or less missed. I might contemplate a little more deeply which path I should've taken. There are probably as many pharmacists in this city as there are successful photographers or photo editors.

I want to play guitar for the rest of my life, and I want to be a father. I want to do two of the things I've always wanted to do. Going to university won't change that, and after I get my bachelor's, maybe I'll have the chance to take the path I never took, but I can't see it happening. Once you're finished you're tied to a post and it's hard to get the momentum up to try again. I can say it's mostly my fault that I'm not already a popular musician, there simply isn't enough effort on my part. I wish there was, and I wish I could say I tried as hard as I could, but I didn't. I let it die because it wasn't safe, and it hadn't got me anywhere before. What I need is group of people who share my passion, right now, so we can catch up on some lost time.

"Whoa oh, you're right or you're wrong" - Who Watches the Watchman, The Prize Fighter Inferno

I was at a show last night, in the heart of the scene, and the emotions and incredible fraternity I felt there was like no other. I felt like I was in the midst of what I'd always wanted to do. I see the bands touring who come through starving but happy, and I feel so much envy for them. I wish I could do that so much, if only for a little while.

I know you all worry about all of this, you all ask the question "Have I done the right thing?" But now, if you have the chance, please take my advice, and stop waiting, because that's what I'm doing. Your dream won't chase you, infact it's running, so don't give it a headstart, and chase what you want right now. If you want to keep waiting, putting it off until you are "ready", stop waiting, because I know from experience that there's no such thing as "ready". You have to dive in head first or you'll lose. I'm already half way down in the deep end, but now I'm going to start my ascent, and you can all look for me, because I'm sick of being like everyone else. I'm sick of not being the individual I'm destined to be regardless.

My music is who I am, not an engineer. Me and my guitar are a symbios, not me and my graphic calculator. Just sick sick sick of waiting because there is no ready, so here I come.