Home

I can't help but feel like this place is becoming less and less like my home. It's almost as if the more nights I spend away from here, the more it's becoming a living space for other people. I would sleep in my bed, but there would certainly still be people in here when I feel tired. I'm afraid of my homework starting to pile up, because I won't even be able to come in here and find solace like I used to be able to. It's not really mine here any more, and maybe I have myself to blame, but at the same time I'd like to think people should just respect me anyway. I know I didn't have much respect before, but I thought because I'd started standing up for myself it would come a little bit more easily. I know I was wrong in thinking that.

These people are the taking advantage type. They don't really consider what I may feel about it. They probably just try to blame it on her, but it's not that at all. I want to be with her when I'm with her. If you're reading this, if you can see that, stop saying she's changing me, because I'm doing all of this because I want to, and because it's better for me than being here. If you think I'd be better off staying up all night and ignoring school, and forgetting what some kind of peaceful alone time is, you're wrong. I liked what my life was when I was really home. This room has become some kind of distorted public living space for anyone who cares to come in. I have things in here I'd rather not have traipsed on by anyone who chooses. It's not that I don't trust the people in here, I just don't think they'd respect it the way I'd want them to.

Could I go back to how it was when I wasn't with her? Would I want to? Go back to grinding my head into books and only playing video games and watching movies to relieve myself? No, not a chance. There's so much more to this city to relieve me, and to take the sloth from my blood. To make me into a productive person again. Just recently I've been writing almost two blogs a day, and all because my productivity's coming back to me. I'm not held down or held back or worried about my actions anymore. It's sad that I would be judged for everything I did back then. I had to conform because that's what being in a clique is all about. I don't want that.

I wouldn't say I'm upset that I can't just sit in here anymore. This is the first time I've been alone in this room, or actually able to sit in this room without ten others around me. It's nice yes, but it's sort of a temporary solace. I know I sound like I'm complaining about this a lot, but truthfully, everything else in my life is going quite swimmingly.

That's all I'd like to say about that.

- Jeff

p.s. - This blog is receiving considerably more traffic than my CD review blog, and I'm glad some people are more interested in just hearing about my life.

Discovery

In which we talk about ourselves, and our resolutions.

This is the time for us to begin talking of how we wish to be on the turn of the next New Year.

I'm in university, so naturally I'm incredibly broke. I'm trying to start a budget, but who knows if my feigning willpower will ever allow me to stick to this. This could be for several reasons. The main one would be dependencies. I'm dependent on FAR too many chemicals for me to be financially fit. These dependencies are not solely chemical, as much of it is on account of social pressures. You may have heard the words many times "University is an excuse to be an alcoholic."

It couldn't be more true.

I feel that if I can strip myself from those needs and wants that I may actually be able to waste my capital on something that matters to me, something that is withstanding, and something that will allow me to enjoy more than just a night of disillusion and lost inhibitions. I'm referring now to that drunken pseudo-euphoria. If I could strip myself of my want for that, I could spend my life in such a more efficient manner. This is not saying that I want to stop drinking entirely though, because given the proper social opportunity and atmosphere it would be quite profitable, at least, metaphysically.

This brings me to my resolution. I am going to will myself to spend only 30$ a week whilst here at university. My meals and lodging are well paid for, so this shouldn't be too difficult as without alcohol my expenses are few and easily met. This goal is only 20$ less that my previous goal, which is a realizable goal, and therefore much easier to obtain. I've learned through my many endeavors into challenged willpower that this is the easiest way to succeed in conquering a challenge. So, that is how my money will be spent, $30 per 7 days in my week.

On a different note, I've felt my musical self changing. I've stopped looking for masturbatory guitar and drums, and started looking for something that makes me feel satisfied. I used to believe that it took considerable skill to create the songs I used to listen to, with their eight minute guitar solos and soaring vocal harmonies, however, this is only one form of musical talent. To be able to take someone to a completely different realm with your music, to relax them and make them feel as though they could simply slip into a walking dream, is also something that requires very much talent.

This is where I found the Arcade Fire and Bloc Party (See download links for their CDs that I enjoy at the bottom of the page). As much as I believe that MTV's top ten albums of the decade exclude many genres, I find these two albums to be quite lovely. They've brought me to an entirely new level of appreciation, and they've made quite the splendid impact of my musical diversity.

To be fair, I have one last resolution, but it's a repeating theme. I want to lose weight, and actually keep it off. Something I was really proud of was getting down to a healthy weight and maintaining it for almost a year. My heavy course load and financial falters have led to me not having the time or money to going to a good gym. These are excuses, I realize, and the beer probably didn't help, but I'm ready to actually try this semester.

Lastly, I want to let you all know that I'm going to start writing little tidbits of advice for keeping your health and creativity while you hit university for the first time, or if you're struggling while you're here. Of course, I have to compile the advice and apply/test it to my own lifestyle, just to make sure you won't be led astray by words. When it does arrive, however, it will be beneficial to anyone finding they just don't have the time.

That'll be all

-Jeff

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm

The Arcade Fire - Funeral

Work

To spend most of your life on a trend of easy success and acceptance is a crippling existence. Don't misinterpret this, you shouldn't take the easy triumphs for granted, they're not something that should be immediately turned away, however, in retrospect to not have to work towards a goal is something that has been hamartia of my own. My habits don't reflect my future don't facilitate my progress don't ease my mind in the work I have set before me. My body does not wish to push towards anything difficult, and my mind does not wish to toil today, over prospects of an easier tomorrow.

I wish I could make this clearer, but my ambiguity allows you all to relate.

Sir, I'm sure not everyone can relate to this.

For some reason I worry that not all the people that read this will be able to take something from it, but hopefully even those of you who are incredibly different from me can become somewhat acquainted with my situation. I wouldn't like to say this change in tenacity is going to make me bitter, but lately it's left me exhausted. The fruit of my effort has not been completely ripe either, yet for some reason I've kept my old mentality that working towards something broken will eventually lead to something complete.

Sir, that mentality's never gotten you anywhere.

This is a new life, I understand that, and I'm sure you all understand that as well, so take up the charge with me and we'll try to help each other adapt as easily as possible. Crippling the demons of procrastination and calling to arms the power we all have to take up a challenge. I'm amazed with the capability everyone here has to do that. I've never been one to actually have that happen, be a part of something so like me yet at the same time have such diversity in personality. Like I've said before, I don't really have a niche here, but maybe this strive towards a better tomorrow for ourselves is exactly what we all have in common.

Sir, you're talking poetically again.

I wouldn't say all of this linear work has left me uninspired, but it has surely allowed some of my musical self to leak into other areas of my life. Conformity taking place of creativity once again. It seems to be a bit of a cycle for me lately. Another example to add to my growing lists. I think I could be slightly autistic in that sense. The way I always think in detailed lists rather than in aspects and possibilities. If anything from that list becomes flawed or indistinguishable, everything suddenly begins to fall apart.

Maybe I've just got some strange flaw that way. I've found a lot of them.

Sir, remember that you are a disease, you don't want to go back to that.

Thinking that maybe next time I could send some one else into that downward spiral still scares me to. I remind you this is completely off topic. Last time and last time's last time I became somewhat of a disease in my own mind. I elaborated in a blog once, but it seems I've lost it. I just have to keep pushing and pushing and pushing away until I can't believe that anymore. It's got a lot to do with falling, but I don't know, I don't want to know, I have to stop thinking about it.

Sir, you should be working right now.

Inspiration

"Inspiration on demand, emotions all displaced" - Inspiration on Demand, Shadows Fall

Money has suddenly become an issue in my life, or rather, it's suddenly being demanded of me to take my time and be frugal. This has led me to take on two jobs at the age of 18, one of which is full time and surely not passive income. I'd like to say I'm not worried about the future ahead, I'd like to say that it's not looming ahead of me with almost no chance of being bright, but if I said those things, I'd probably be lying. I'm going to be a little bit stressed out, and even more than a little bit worried about how it's all going to turn out. It's true, I do have a smart head on my shoulders, but that won't pay my way until I'm out of university.

All of this talk about the future led me to think some strange things, as, I do over think almost everything I do.I started to think about passion, and the passion of man in general. One night, weeks ago, I sat down with my mother and expressed to her the fear I have that my run is over, and that I'll slowly make my way to 30 without doing what I love, and that I'll be severly in debt and worry only about money. Of course she told me I was too young to think like that, but reality says it's probably true. I'm going to be an engineer in four years, but something about that doesn't sit right with me. It's not what I love.

Why I'm becoming what I am is because it's safe, it's the right thing to do. Or is it? Honestly, there is about as much chance of me getting a high paying job as an engineer as there is of getting a high paying job as a musician. I'm thinking now that I took the "safe path" thinking the wrong thing. It's not truly a safe path, simply the one most troden. If I had the strength, if I weren't so fatigued by routine and pressure, I might turn back to the turning point I more or less missed. I might contemplate a little more deeply which path I should've taken. There are probably as many pharmacists in this city as there are successful photographers or photo editors.

I want to play guitar for the rest of my life, and I want to be a father. I want to do two of the things I've always wanted to do. Going to university won't change that, and after I get my bachelor's, maybe I'll have the chance to take the path I never took, but I can't see it happening. Once you're finished you're tied to a post and it's hard to get the momentum up to try again. I can say it's mostly my fault that I'm not already a popular musician, there simply isn't enough effort on my part. I wish there was, and I wish I could say I tried as hard as I could, but I didn't. I let it die because it wasn't safe, and it hadn't got me anywhere before. What I need is group of people who share my passion, right now, so we can catch up on some lost time.

"Whoa oh, you're right or you're wrong" - Who Watches the Watchman, The Prize Fighter Inferno

I was at a show last night, in the heart of the scene, and the emotions and incredible fraternity I felt there was like no other. I felt like I was in the midst of what I'd always wanted to do. I see the bands touring who come through starving but happy, and I feel so much envy for them. I wish I could do that so much, if only for a little while.

I know you all worry about all of this, you all ask the question "Have I done the right thing?" But now, if you have the chance, please take my advice, and stop waiting, because that's what I'm doing. Your dream won't chase you, infact it's running, so don't give it a headstart, and chase what you want right now. If you want to keep waiting, putting it off until you are "ready", stop waiting, because I know from experience that there's no such thing as "ready". You have to dive in head first or you'll lose. I'm already half way down in the deep end, but now I'm going to start my ascent, and you can all look for me, because I'm sick of being like everyone else. I'm sick of not being the individual I'm destined to be regardless.

My music is who I am, not an engineer. Me and my guitar are a symbios, not me and my graphic calculator. Just sick sick sick of waiting because there is no ready, so here I come.

"Something Tells Me I'm in for Something Good"

It's the best of times when you can feel change on the tip of your tongue. It's as though you've been waiting an incredibly long time for something to just come along and bite you in the ass, infecting you with willpower. We all know this doesn't actually happen this way, you have to work for willpower, but today, in this moment, it feels like some one has literally come up behind me and bit me on the ass to provide me some sort of ethereal will. I know this sounds silly, but I can honestly feel change on the tip of my tongue. The edge of the moment provides a shifting canvas for me to be the paint upon.

Fact is, is that my life is going through this crazy transition. I'm becoming independent, which is an incredible step for some one who was a mamma's boy his entire life. I'm taking a leap out onto the unsteady floor boards of completely independent life. I'm realizing as I do this, that some of the choices I've made, and some of the mistakes that I've yet to take responsibility for, must be illuminated. They must be evaluated, and they must be slowly defeated. This is what I completely plan to do. Slowly use my will to erase these hindering characteristics. It's going to be hard, but like I said, there's something about the breath I've been drawing lately that's giving me some unreal power over myself. 

Today is going to be a good day, again, because in the first hour I accomplished a lot, and I plan to continue such productivity throughout these, my far to few waking hours. I'll be in biology class in the space of the next two hours, then beyond that, my day is a relative write off. I just have to make it through a few excruciating hours of school, and I get to take my half day, and then tonight, I'll be with her. Today should be easy, so I'll push myself and try to make my best of it.

If you took everything you've ever thought about and thrown it into a melting pot, what do you think would really come out of it? What if everything that encompassed your very being was being challenged by change? How would this make you feel? It's where I am right now, but I don't feel so bad about it, and I don't feel so bad about a change either. Lately I haven't been who I want to be, so I'm going to change.

On a lighter note, school stress is hereby gone. 93% on the calculus exam, couldn't ask for more.

Also, I've been inspired by a certain some one elses blog, he's got all his weight loss progress tracked, and I think I might do the same, check him out. (John Is Fit)

Time Management

I think I'm done trying to go about frittering time away. I've got university coming along next year, so it's time to start focusing on exactly what it is that I have to focus on. Money.

Money

It's the one thing you have to worry about every time you turn around. It's the one thing flying out of my pocket the moment I get it. I've decided on a few things, a few things to actually get myself set for a life outside, in the real world. The real real life. The one that sneaks up on you while you try to enjoy your last year of high school. That one. But I guess it's about time anyway. I guess I had to come about it some way, and besides, if I get really get at time management, about money management, about all things money wise in general, I'll actually be able to expand myself properly and come about making more time for myself, and for my friends.

Time

Sometimes I wish that I could be constantly and consistently moving at a speed so fast that time will contract, time will move more slowly, time will become something alterable for me. I wish so deeply that I could actually see time in that vector way that Dr. Manhattan can. Wishing on many different things can only fritter time away however. So I've decided that this will be my formal letter to all of you. Any one who may stumble upon this. This is my letter saying that I am going to begin with my own personal growth.

You have to realize, I've had my time charted out for my entire life. Mommy and Daddy taking care of the hard end of things, the end that time and money are on. It's my turn now, it's my turn to actually take it into my own hands, and try to turn it around, try to become an individual. I could use a few more hours a day, and perhaps through this personal growth, I will get there. I'll get that few extra hours to work on my physics paper, work on some tuition money, work on my relationship with the light in my life, Julianna.

Time time time.

You've gotta realize that sometimes it's best if you just throw yourself into things with a massive burst of initiative. It makes you feel a lot better about it when you actually achieve something. Maybe this extra time will give me a few more hours to work out in every day, to lose weight in. Maybe. Maybe it'll give me a little extra time to read, to actually enjoy life as I'm suppose to. I just need more time.

Money

It's still there, in the back of your mind, and you're trying to tell yourself it's just going to come to you. I've realized now, I've realized that throwing away funds like I have been is a foolish pursuit of something completely nonexistent. I won't find happiness through material possession, buying guitars, books, games. I just have to make due with what I have. I want to take everything I have now, and use only that to do what I have to do to get through until I move out of here, until I pay off my first year's tuition.

Isn't this what everyone thinks about? Maybe in these few hours a day that I will gain I'll actually be able to find out who my roommate is in university next year, I'll actually be able to see if me and Quinn will be rooming together. Maybe in those extra few hours, I can do some assignments for people and make it possible to make a little bit more money with my ability to fluff up Shakespeare in a few moments. 500 words, with citations, with all the quotes planted nicely with proper grammar stuck in, 30 minutes. 10$. Fraudulent? I think not, simply another way to help people who don't have enough time, to make more time for me. Just a synergy between two people who can't find time to do things.

Let my strengths play on your weakness. Let my weakness, benefit from your strength.

With just a few hours extra, every day, I could spend time with my friends, my dear dear friends whom I see barely at all except for in the hallways at school. It's nice of course, however, wishing to see them makes me crazy, I wish I could be like them, so care-free, so moving. Some day, I'll have my few extra hours to hang out, to play video games, to fritter away without worry. Someday

I can only imagine how happy I could be if in those extra hours I can make my life with Julianna flourish in such a way. To be able to lay there with her in my arms, to have her head on my chest while she breaths with me. A synergy of two people, working together. It's just something I wish we had more time for. Or more time to go to parties with her. To be there, to hear the music, to play the music, to watch each other thrash around socially. If only I had those extra few hours.

Time and Money