New Game

There comes a time where you have to get into a new style, get into a new game. This is what we're all trying to do every day of our lives. Upgrade upgrade upgrade. We walk around in our small entourages and hope to some day be leading it if only for a minute or two because we've taken on a new style, a new game.

You face judgement too though, and I'm learning not to be afraid of that. I used to hate it when anyone would think anything of me other than what I intended them to think, but now I understand what this is. I see this as my own fault for not letting me become, well me. I mold myself into something that everyone likes. This causes me to become a pushover, causes very few people to appreciate me for what I am causes me to be a very lonely person sometimes. But this is okay, because it's better to have one friend who appreciates you than several who talk about you behind your back and say very mean things about your character when you're not looking. Thus is the reason as to why I'm fully ready to start new and start fresh and start to make some changes.

CHANGE 1

No more being aware of people making shit up about me behind my back and staying silent. I'm about to speak up, and speak up in an angry and justified voice.

CHANGE 2

This is my space too, and I'm tired of having it violated without my permission. Everything will be locked and stowed until I say otherwise.

CHANGE 3

I probably won't even sleep here anymore, I'd rather be with her every night, because she listens, and she doesn't make fun of me when I'm not around, and she doesn't think terrible things about my character. If I come home and some one is in my bed sleeping without my permission, they will have a brief moment of reckoning and find themselves on the much less comfortable floor.

CHANGE 4

I'm going to stop just writing these things on the internet and take action on them for once in my fluffy life. I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I just want to be home at this point, because that's where Fisher is.

If your nickname refers to a tasty pastry, this doesn't apply to you, you may think it does, because you spend a lot of time with the people who were saying a lot of the things that bothered me. You've been quite the good friend lately, and so has your roommate. I'm sorry if you took offence to any of this.

If there was something worth knowing

I'd like to say I'm mad upset scared, but at this point I'm not sure if I have the right to be. There's a lot of things that I can attribute to being naive in the first place, to never pulling the leash in fear of pushing some one further away. I know I trust people too easily, make them my friend as fast as possible in hopes that they'll not stab me in the back in the future, but how has that ever worked. When I'm not around I'm simply not around and there's nothing I could do to defend any one or myself.

It's the way it's always been, I'm pushing myself to be so compassionate, but at the same time I don't know if it's working. Would you hurt me if you knew I was trying to be a good guy? I'm not sure it matters to everyone, even the ones I know so well. That's probably what worries me the most now, is that deep down somewhere I know and yet I'll never drive the point home hard enough to actually get my point across to someone. The worst part is, is that even now that I know I probably won't do anything because I don't want to believe it happened at all, I don't want to tarnish any one's image for me or for anyone else.

I've always been like this, and I probably always will be, just nice and naive enough to keep everyone at arms length and looking at me in positive light, but who knows if that'll ever be enough. I am who I am for I reason though I suppose, the neuron bridges with the acid in the way it's supposed to and even though it's tempered, who says it'll ever change completely. I just accept people despite reputation and warning.

I won't let anyone get so close to me again, I'm not that naive anymore, but maybe that's not the only thing I have to worry about. Actually, there is no maybe, of this I'm sure. If there was something that was worth knowing, it would be truth. I know I don't sing the last part of those lyrics, and it often doesn't even pertain to this situation, it was linked initially to adoption, but now that ever sung chorus means more in my life. To think I would keep something a secret on purpose, is defiling everything I've built up as my personality. It's just not who I am.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't anger, this isn't bitter, like I said before, I don't deserve to feel like that. I'm long over it, even though I've found out only recently. It's far far in the past, but it scares me only a little bit, because what's to stop the next CS or JE from doing the same thing again. It'll probably always be there, and I'd love to blindly trust every person I meet, and chances are it'll be unconditional trust for a little while, but I can't go on forever assuming my actions will in turn temper everyone else's.

It's simply not the way of the world, and I don't want you all to think that way. I know there's a million nice guys out there, and a million nice girls (though most don't act the same way, they're smarter than that) and we simply have to stick together for each other. If something happens, and it shouldn't be happening, tell the nice guy, nice girl, because chances are they don't see it. It's just them blindly assuming everything's okay, and no one's out to hurt anyone or anyone's anyone by association. I'm not throwing innocence around, it's just as much fault of the naive party, but don't be blunt. Be there for them.

For any one out there who is overly benevolent and especially so to those who they feel they don't trust, you can drop the facade, you can let it all go, because now, at this point in my life I'm starting to realize the falsehood and the pain it causes. We have to be ourselves, and we have to wear our insecurities sometimes so that others don't take advantage of our lack of action in the past. They think we'd never strike, never take to arms and battle through any injustice on some one else's part. Nice guys, and nice girls, we are here, and we're done with being trampled over.