Thursday, July 9, 2009

Hate Mail

If you haven't noticed, I've been trying a little less hard to be perfect. If you've noticed, it matters a little less to me if everyone likes me. If you've noticed, you probably like me a little less. It seems like lately I'm weeding out all the people that don't actually like me, the people that don't actually like to be around. If you've noticed, I've almost completely stopped getting the few text messages asking me to just hang out. If you've noticed, I think I have a few less friends now, which is sad, but I guess if I have to push and ask to spend time with everyone, I'll end up spending no significant time with anyone.

"A friend to all is a friend to none" - Aristotle.

If there's been a time when I really wish everyone was on my side, it would have to right now now now, but if you noticed, my side is getting less and less full of people. It seems like an enternity ago that I actually had some one that didn't really need me for something. I think I've got a few left, but the door's been open for awhile, and all I've felt is a slow breeze filtering out. Don't think this is for pity, don't flood me with compassion, because it's overdue, and at this point I'm not sure who's where and who should be where they are.

I know I'm a busy person, I know this is probably mostly my fault, but it's strange the side of people that you see. It's strange that you see the side you saw before in a completely different light now that you're on the side of me where the grass is greener and you're out of my seldom used claw's reach. I'm standing here, waiting, but who knows what might happen if any of us ever got close again.

Here I was naive, thinking graduation wouldn't be so bad, that I wouldn't drift slowly away from each other on the ocean of reality that's coming flooding in. With sails filled with pride we're drifting faster than normal, and it seems like the only direction to choose is away. Off we'll go and in the fading image we'll catch a glimmer of what once was. We'll catch each other at the 10, 15, 25 year reunions, look back on what we all had. Right now is that gap between memory and the future. Right now is that part that almost everyone forgets anyway.

"Throwing punches, at ocean waves" - The gift of paralysis, Evny On the Coast.

I've gotten calls from restricted numbers the last couple of days, and every time I sort of hope it's some one I haven't talked to in a long time, some one who wants to just be friends like we used to be, but it sort of never is. Again, this isn't for pity, don't call me. I wonder if I'm pushing people away, subconciously holding everything at arms length to keep them just far enough away to let go a little bit easier, once again, it would be subconcious, it's not like I'm going to remember today, yesterday of the distant tomorrow anyway, at least not when reunion time comes around.

I've got about a million things I'd love to share with the world, roughly give or take a million, but I don't think any of it will get out there, because at this point I don't know if anyone's listening. If any one actually cares anymore unless I'm saying something malignant about some one else. Do we thrive on spite so much that we love to see them suffer through some one elses words? I think not. For those of you I have said something terrible about, I could say I'm sorry if I was, but I shared my feelings exactly as they were, and that's something I seldom do. If you feel differently about me because of it, then do so. As I said, I'm trying a little less to make everyone like me. It's a little less important to me right now.

"Come to you so clearly, but you don't want to hear me." - Nobody's Listening, Linkin Park.

The world is ready to accept me but I don't know if I can accept it right now. Looking into the thirty year old eyes of myself I wonder what it is exactly that I'm thinking feeling wishing. Do I still have friends? Have I found some sort of somber solace in my on solitude. Do I sit alone in a study with a notebook? I doubt it, I'm a socialite and heart and that'll never change, but I don't know who's in those eyes, which people have been carried in my heart. If I could retain some of the memory of what I have right now, I hope I carry with me this strange feeling. This strange emotion of a swaying screen door and the shouts of angry goodbyes.

As I walk out this door, who knows what could truly become of me, but is anyone looking back to check? I guess I'll find out at the 10, 20, 25 year reunion.


Anonymous said...

You think too much into it, its just life and it works in strange ways man.

Raisingsmartgirls said...

I wouldn't say that you think too much into it. It's a curious thing to be thinking of life in the future. When I was your age, I wasn't at all knowing the kind of life I'd have by my 20 year HS reunion. I fully expected to do *something* rather productive with my life, and I think I have. I always was a high achiever and set the bar high for myself, just to prove to myself I could do it.

I wrote this just prior to my 20 year reunion last year:

"I went to college followed by a 12 year career in the biotech field, an 11 year marriage to a wonderful guy, and 3 beautiful girls. When I think about my life, I have had it all. I had a career, I have a home, I have money in the bank, and really want for nothing. I’m exploring lots of things I haven’t had time to before just because I want to as a stay at home mom. I have time to really get to know my children on a deep level. Something I personally couldn’t do in the evenings and weekends I had. In getting to know them, I also am getting to know myself. I’m not just watching the days and weeks just melt into one big blur.

Although a part of me wonders why I even want to go to my HS reunion at all. I decided against going to my 10 year reunion, even when I had the chance to actually brag about what I did for a living (at the time it was Forensic DNA analysis - like CSI but not as glamorous and results to longer to get than 24 hours). The curiosity is getting the better of me, I guess. Or maybe because I want to go and brag about my three beautiful girls. Jobs will come and go (and they have), but I will always have my girls as my greatest achievement".

That being said, I went to my 20 year reunion, saw some people, not nearly enough that I really cared to see.

I actually run into more people from HS now than ever before, not having moved too far from the home I grew up in (but far enough to count). People's who were widely popular in HS looking now tired and used up, because being wildly popular in HS didn't protect them from life's realities. Sometimes life is good in HS and that's the pinnacle of their lives.

For some of us, who had quite a mediocre existence in HS, actually grew into our own quiet confidence as we matured. I think I love life more now than ever, having been through all I have.

Here's a post I wrote called,

Notes to my Younger Self

I wish when I was your age, I could have someone tell me things were going to turn out better than I could have ever hoped for.

What do you think your 38 year old self will want to tell your 18 year old self if it could that might help you get over these trials and tribulations of the social morass that goes by the name of formal education?