This is exactly this date, at exactly this time, and in a few moments I'll never revisit it because the higgs boson doesn't exist and alcubierre was a kook. These are the things I tell myself when I have to escape an especially terrible moment.
This is May 2009, and I will never be back.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I am the host
Drinks are on my because I am the host and you are the parasites.
You can be fed off in millions of different ways. People syphoning off any talent you ever had for their own personal gain to some insufficient end. When they suck you dry and you start to wane you start to feel yourself simply want to give out. You can feel yourself slip from the venues in which you once found solace and in all this chaos you lose that part of you. You lose that part of you that's been sucked clean and now you're a little emptier of a shell who's waiting for more teeth to bare.
You get off to that feeling, that feeling that some one needs you for something, and it makes you so incredibly excited to feel you've helped in some way or another. You're a host to all and you enjoy it that one. A lop sided symbios that you'll never weight out. Just surgery upon surgery on the nodes of compassion that you once swelled with. You're getting warn out and you simply feel that part of you falling out. You're loose, and you're hanging open at the neck where the teeth once dug. Bleeding out everything that you wanted to use to make everyone better. It's some seeping feeling that you get there where the nodes once resided. You can feel a gentel drip drip and you wonder if you've got much left.
Fact is, you've been feeding everyone while you were trying to feed one, and now through torn flesh and collective amnesia you're realizing that there was never a turning moment that made you want to ever do anything like this. There's some sort of realization that you take in. It was never the benefit of everyone. It was never the benefit of a few. You were bleeding out the nodes of compassion from the side of your jaw for just one one one. It was only one that ripped you apart without hands. Insinuation guided your own claws to pull at the fabric of your own gently crying face and all you could do was bleed compassion for them to take in.
It's not fair that such things could ever take place, but through the opaque intoxication that hope provides you just let it go let it go and on and on it turned. Guide the claws, haul another piece of flesh unwillingly from your neck. Led by the dotted lines left by teeth you claw away what remaining skin clings to the tendons that connect your neck to your shoulder. You're letting all compassion and effort and hope flow from you in some desperation to fix them to fix them to make things all better.
Claw claw claw and finally you can't take it. You've torn so much of yourself apart that it'll never ever go back to normal but part of you is okay with salvaging what you can. So you cut apart the parasite with whatever strength you've mustered. It's all you can do and all you have to drive the knife through it over and over. You kill them to save yourself.
So I bid to you Goodnight.
You can be fed off in millions of different ways. People syphoning off any talent you ever had for their own personal gain to some insufficient end. When they suck you dry and you start to wane you start to feel yourself simply want to give out. You can feel yourself slip from the venues in which you once found solace and in all this chaos you lose that part of you. You lose that part of you that's been sucked clean and now you're a little emptier of a shell who's waiting for more teeth to bare.
You get off to that feeling, that feeling that some one needs you for something, and it makes you so incredibly excited to feel you've helped in some way or another. You're a host to all and you enjoy it that one. A lop sided symbios that you'll never weight out. Just surgery upon surgery on the nodes of compassion that you once swelled with. You're getting warn out and you simply feel that part of you falling out. You're loose, and you're hanging open at the neck where the teeth once dug. Bleeding out everything that you wanted to use to make everyone better. It's some seeping feeling that you get there where the nodes once resided. You can feel a gentel drip drip and you wonder if you've got much left.
Fact is, you've been feeding everyone while you were trying to feed one, and now through torn flesh and collective amnesia you're realizing that there was never a turning moment that made you want to ever do anything like this. There's some sort of realization that you take in. It was never the benefit of everyone. It was never the benefit of a few. You were bleeding out the nodes of compassion from the side of your jaw for just one one one. It was only one that ripped you apart without hands. Insinuation guided your own claws to pull at the fabric of your own gently crying face and all you could do was bleed compassion for them to take in.
It's not fair that such things could ever take place, but through the opaque intoxication that hope provides you just let it go let it go and on and on it turned. Guide the claws, haul another piece of flesh unwillingly from your neck. Led by the dotted lines left by teeth you claw away what remaining skin clings to the tendons that connect your neck to your shoulder. You're letting all compassion and effort and hope flow from you in some desperation to fix them to fix them to make things all better.
Claw claw claw and finally you can't take it. You've torn so much of yourself apart that it'll never ever go back to normal but part of you is okay with salvaging what you can. So you cut apart the parasite with whatever strength you've mustered. It's all you can do and all you have to drive the knife through it over and over. You kill them to save yourself.
So I bid to you Goodnight.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
"Something Tells Me I'm in for Something Good"
It's the best of times when you can feel change on the tip of your tongue. It's as though you've been waiting an incredibly long time for something to just come along and bite you in the ass, infecting you with willpower. We all know this doesn't actually happen this way, you have to work for willpower, but today, in this moment, it feels like some one has literally come up behind me and bit me on the ass to provide me some sort of ethereal will. I know this sounds silly, but I can honestly feel change on the tip of my tongue. The edge of the moment provides a shifting canvas for me to be the paint upon.
Fact is, is that my life is going through this crazy transition. I'm becoming independent, which is an incredible step for some one who was a mamma's boy his entire life. I'm taking a leap out onto the unsteady floor boards of completely independent life. I'm realizing as I do this, that some of the choices I've made, and some of the mistakes that I've yet to take responsibility for, must be illuminated. They must be evaluated, and they must be slowly defeated. This is what I completely plan to do. Slowly use my will to erase these hindering characteristics. It's going to be hard, but like I said, there's something about the breath I've been drawing lately that's giving me some unreal power over myself.
Today is going to be a good day, again, because in the first hour I accomplished a lot, and I plan to continue such productivity throughout these, my far to few waking hours. I'll be in biology class in the space of the next two hours, then beyond that, my day is a relative write off. I just have to make it through a few excruciating hours of school, and I get to take my half day, and then tonight, I'll be with her. Today should be easy, so I'll push myself and try to make my best of it.
If you took everything you've ever thought about and thrown it into a melting pot, what do you think would really come out of it? What if everything that encompassed your very being was being challenged by change? How would this make you feel? It's where I am right now, but I don't feel so bad about it, and I don't feel so bad about a change either. Lately I haven't been who I want to be, so I'm going to change.
On a lighter note, school stress is hereby gone. 93% on the calculus exam, couldn't ask for more.
Also, I've been inspired by a certain some one elses blog, he's got all his weight loss progress tracked, and I think I might do the same, check him out. (John Is Fit)
Monday, May 25, 2009
Post 100
This is my one hundreth post, and this means that I've reached somewhat of a milestone. One should say that I'd be more excited than I actually am, but truth is, I'm not incredibly enthusiastic. I'm not doing too bad though. Today I told myself that I was going to have a good day, simply because I slept in and therefore was off to a bad start. I relented and said I would have a good day, and lo and behold here I am, adoring the sunlight of a beautiful day and waiting to get out of school so that I may be free to do as I like. There's not much more to it than that, it's simply just going to be a good day. I ate pastry for breakfast, simply because today would be a good day and I didn't want to worry about weight. Today I got a good mark on a biology test, certainly more than I could ask for. It was just simply beautiful out today, so, I will and must have a good day.
I've never been more excited to see the girl I am so deeply in love with. For the first time, we've actually been ambitious and planned our night out. Which consists of me meeting her at home sometime between eight an nine, and then we're going to go get cheesy bread. That will be our night, in a nutshell, because I love cheesy bread just that much. We finally got our "soirée" together. As Ricarrrrrdo might call it, we got a real overnight. I was so excited to finally be able to sleep beside her, her head on my chest, my arms around her, and both of our thoughts gently wandering around some ethreal plane. Surreal at best, because fact is, it'll be a long long time before it happens again, and considering it's only happened twice before, this was a rare occasion indeed.
No one ate Zac's fruit loops, and I'm ecstatic for that fact because the night before he mentioned he would, with no resolve, cut me with his knife if he woke up and his nine dollar box of jumbo fruit loops were gone. He then proceeded to hide them on top of the cupboards and gracefully fall unconcious in his own bed, far away from his knife, and even farther away from his precious fruit loops.
We've got an eraser in the shape of a two thirds quart of something something something, let's cleanse the canvas and sleep when it's over because tomorrow we'll need the rest. It's almost sure we'll be painting through most of the light we see, and it's most likely we'll want that canvas cleaned.
I've got no reason to be excited that this is my 100th post because quite frankly I've been slacking off a lot lately, and it feels like I have to do you, my readers, more of a solid. I guess I just simply wasn't as popular on my blog as I wanted to be. It's alright though, I promise to come through more consistent again. God I love writing this things, I apologize for my slight hiatus, chances are it was just a stint when I didn't realize how cool blogging actually was.
Let's clean the canvas.
I've never been more excited to see the girl I am so deeply in love with. For the first time, we've actually been ambitious and planned our night out. Which consists of me meeting her at home sometime between eight an nine, and then we're going to go get cheesy bread. That will be our night, in a nutshell, because I love cheesy bread just that much. We finally got our "soirée" together. As Ricarrrrrdo might call it, we got a real overnight. I was so excited to finally be able to sleep beside her, her head on my chest, my arms around her, and both of our thoughts gently wandering around some ethreal plane. Surreal at best, because fact is, it'll be a long long time before it happens again, and considering it's only happened twice before, this was a rare occasion indeed.
No one ate Zac's fruit loops, and I'm ecstatic for that fact because the night before he mentioned he would, with no resolve, cut me with his knife if he woke up and his nine dollar box of jumbo fruit loops were gone. He then proceeded to hide them on top of the cupboards and gracefully fall unconcious in his own bed, far away from his knife, and even farther away from his precious fruit loops.
We've got an eraser in the shape of a two thirds quart of something something something, let's cleanse the canvas and sleep when it's over because tomorrow we'll need the rest. It's almost sure we'll be painting through most of the light we see, and it's most likely we'll want that canvas cleaned.
I've got no reason to be excited that this is my 100th post because quite frankly I've been slacking off a lot lately, and it feels like I have to do you, my readers, more of a solid. I guess I just simply wasn't as popular on my blog as I wanted to be. It's alright though, I promise to come through more consistent again. God I love writing this things, I apologize for my slight hiatus, chances are it was just a stint when I didn't realize how cool blogging actually was.
Let's clean the canvas.
Just as a foot note, I found a really cool abstract on a blog by n.design today, it's right here.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Evaluation
There's a time in your life where you have to simply step back and realize things about yourself. You have to realize exactly what it is that drives you and in turn you'll realize exactly what it is that you have to do to make things better. I'm in my own personal little time of evaluation, so I'm sorry if no one's noticed, but I've been paying a lot of attention to the things you say. They've got more weight now then they ever have, especially because I'm trying to fix myself again.
It happened a year ago, it happened when I wanted to give up on music because nothing was going well. And it happened almost subconciously that time. I gave up a piece of the guitar playing ability I once had to pick up more vocal ability. I also gave up on trying to fix some one else. The entire relationship started on that pretense, and I simply didn't want to try to make everything stop anymore. This is what made me leave then, and of course, as most things do in evaluation, it made things much better for both parties.
Now I'm going through a period of evaluation because I'm stressed. And it's strange to think I get stressed because it's never happened before. I've just never really cared, it was a controlled form of apathy to get me through the time when I simply needed to push away all worry. Now though, it's compiling and coagulating in every oriface I have. I feel like I have to vent because it's the only thing I can do. Pick up this microphone and let all of you know exactly how I'm going to change.
I've done a bit of soul searching, withing my own soul that is. As corny as it sounds, it actually helped quite a bit. I think I'm finally getting to the bottom of the perfection complex I've always had, and now especially why it's rearing my ugly head. You see, I have a complex with how I'm seen. I always want to be exactly what everyone else wants me to be and therefore I try far too hard to achieve some perception that seems perfect to me, just so that no one will hate me. More do now than ever before, but I digress. Lately I believe it is building to a climax because soon I will be leaving, and soon I will be a memory. A memory is a constant perception, something that cannot be changed, therefore if my impression on people before I leave is a malignant one, it'll be the last thing they'll ever think of me. I'm wondering now how I might actually make myself exactly how I want to be seen. I'm going through evaluation.
I'm trying to disect my former character at the present time. Trying to find out exactly what my faults are, and the only way to do this is to take everything said recently and break it into the sincerety that it carries. I'm aware that some things said are incredibly untrue, but that doesn't help to stem my worry. Right now I've broken some things down into a couple of categories, the things that I have to focus on to truly reach the depth of this evaluation.
1) Countenance (this is a big one)
2) Tenacity
3) Willpower
4) Martyrdom
As far as the details go, I'm still working them all out, but I'll give a couple little insights as to the things that I have to work on in each category, just as a list. Again, you don't have to read any of this, it's just here for my own personal record, something for me to come back to if I ever have a lapse.
1) Countenance - We all know this is how you look to every one else, how you hold yourself, and this is exactly what I have to fix before I get out of this city. I have to stop acting like I'm god. I have to stop being so cocky, and I have to stop trying to help everyone, because honestly, not everyone really needs a helping hand. I'm just stepping on toes that are already too hurt. When I do make a difference though, people cling to me, and I can't handle that. I'm too busy, and it kills me to be so close to some one and only just talk to them because I don't have time. So I have to stop playing god, and I have to stop trying so hard. I also have to stop being so sketchy, I realize now that sometimes the simple things could have the most complex meanings, and I have to eliminate them.
2) Tenacity simple tells me that I'm not trying hard enough. Once I resolve to do something, I really have to do it. I can't keep giving up over and over and over again.
3) Willpower - Well there's enough to say about this. I can't force myself to keep working out, to wake up earlier, or even to write on this blog every day. I simply have no willpower to continue doing so. If there's a way to build willpower I'd love to know.
4) Martyrdom - Ironic I know, but I realize how much I complain to get attention. It's not intentional, but in retrospect, when I complain it is mostly to reach that end. Or at least certain people believe so, and when they temper my sight, I believe them. So I have to stop complaining and realize that I'm simply being a martyr.
Can I say much more? I'm simply in a state of repair right now, simply getting to the bottom of things and building them back up because in a few months I'll be leaving everyone behind, and that memory will last until they forget about me. As things stand, I hope they don't remember me for too long.
It happened a year ago, it happened when I wanted to give up on music because nothing was going well. And it happened almost subconciously that time. I gave up a piece of the guitar playing ability I once had to pick up more vocal ability. I also gave up on trying to fix some one else. The entire relationship started on that pretense, and I simply didn't want to try to make everything stop anymore. This is what made me leave then, and of course, as most things do in evaluation, it made things much better for both parties.
Now I'm going through a period of evaluation because I'm stressed. And it's strange to think I get stressed because it's never happened before. I've just never really cared, it was a controlled form of apathy to get me through the time when I simply needed to push away all worry. Now though, it's compiling and coagulating in every oriface I have. I feel like I have to vent because it's the only thing I can do. Pick up this microphone and let all of you know exactly how I'm going to change.
I've done a bit of soul searching, withing my own soul that is. As corny as it sounds, it actually helped quite a bit. I think I'm finally getting to the bottom of the perfection complex I've always had, and now especially why it's rearing my ugly head. You see, I have a complex with how I'm seen. I always want to be exactly what everyone else wants me to be and therefore I try far too hard to achieve some perception that seems perfect to me, just so that no one will hate me. More do now than ever before, but I digress. Lately I believe it is building to a climax because soon I will be leaving, and soon I will be a memory. A memory is a constant perception, something that cannot be changed, therefore if my impression on people before I leave is a malignant one, it'll be the last thing they'll ever think of me. I'm wondering now how I might actually make myself exactly how I want to be seen. I'm going through evaluation.
I'm trying to disect my former character at the present time. Trying to find out exactly what my faults are, and the only way to do this is to take everything said recently and break it into the sincerety that it carries. I'm aware that some things said are incredibly untrue, but that doesn't help to stem my worry. Right now I've broken some things down into a couple of categories, the things that I have to focus on to truly reach the depth of this evaluation.
1) Countenance (this is a big one)
2) Tenacity
3) Willpower
4) Martyrdom
As far as the details go, I'm still working them all out, but I'll give a couple little insights as to the things that I have to work on in each category, just as a list. Again, you don't have to read any of this, it's just here for my own personal record, something for me to come back to if I ever have a lapse.
1) Countenance - We all know this is how you look to every one else, how you hold yourself, and this is exactly what I have to fix before I get out of this city. I have to stop acting like I'm god. I have to stop being so cocky, and I have to stop trying to help everyone, because honestly, not everyone really needs a helping hand. I'm just stepping on toes that are already too hurt. When I do make a difference though, people cling to me, and I can't handle that. I'm too busy, and it kills me to be so close to some one and only just talk to them because I don't have time. So I have to stop playing god, and I have to stop trying so hard. I also have to stop being so sketchy, I realize now that sometimes the simple things could have the most complex meanings, and I have to eliminate them.
2) Tenacity simple tells me that I'm not trying hard enough. Once I resolve to do something, I really have to do it. I can't keep giving up over and over and over again.
3) Willpower - Well there's enough to say about this. I can't force myself to keep working out, to wake up earlier, or even to write on this blog every day. I simply have no willpower to continue doing so. If there's a way to build willpower I'd love to know.
4) Martyrdom - Ironic I know, but I realize how much I complain to get attention. It's not intentional, but in retrospect, when I complain it is mostly to reach that end. Or at least certain people believe so, and when they temper my sight, I believe them. So I have to stop complaining and realize that I'm simply being a martyr.
Can I say much more? I'm simply in a state of repair right now, simply getting to the bottom of things and building them back up because in a few months I'll be leaving everyone behind, and that memory will last until they forget about me. As things stand, I hope they don't remember me for too long.
Friday, May 8, 2009
What now?
Thing is, once you're here, there isn't a lot left to do. Thing is, once you've wasted your life trying to be perfect, you end up with the smallest bit of happiness possible. Can anyone hear me? Does anyone really give a shit? I take in what I can, I help here and there, but does anyone hear me? I've wanted to be do music. I've wanted to be music my entire life. Everything about it, the expression, the writing process, the brotherhood of a band. I wanted it all. Thing is, ten years seems so close now that I don't think the window's even really open anymore.
It's hard to want to express yourself when you get messages like I get from people. "You're an egotistical asshole" this and "You're an egotistical asshole" that. I don't mean to be. I mean to try to be perfect for everyone. My intentions are to let everyone get the best out of me. Hear that, everyone? I just want to make you happy. It's how it's always been, and it's how it always will be. Right now, I guess I just have to vent about how I feel.
Where was I?
Right, ten years from now, I'm going to holed up in some house I got from my new salary job. Ten years from now I'll be my guitar student Andrew, who has barely any time to play guitar at all. Ten years from now I won't be on stage with my best friends playing one of the countless songs that I have written on my computer. Does any one know that? Does anyone know that I spend a few hours here and there trying to write songs that people will like? They're all on here, I'd love to show any one willing to look.
I just want it so bad. That's why I put those songs on the internet, that's why I link to this blog everywhere I can, so that maybe somebody will hear me and might give a shit. That's why my entire life is on the internet. This is all of me that I have to give, and can you hear it? I know you can, and right now you're probably turning a blind eye because I'm needy and because this is another one of my cries for attention. So everyone kindly take your turn to look away now, and forget about me. Make sure to come back when you need me though, because I like that relationship with people.
Thing is, I can just see people slipping away from me. Do you know it's like to feel like you don't have a best friend anymore? Do you know what it feels like to know everybody else has some one they hang out with almost every day? If you do, then you hear me, and I hear you. It just feels like so much is slipping from me. I spread myself out so thin the last three years that I honestly have no idea who I really am right now. There's only one person that can see the real me, that I'm the only real me around, and she may very well be the only one that has ever been able to do that.
But be brutally honest with me, whoever if anyone ever reads these bullshit blogs. Am I too flirty? Do I put myself out there like I'm always single? I don't mean to. Anyone that thinks I'm flirting with them, tell me, stop me, make me realize. I didn't think I was that bad... I don't try to be at least. I guess it's just another insecurity of mine, another imperfection that should be hammered out with due time.
Just a robot in repair.
I don't know, right now I'm drinking orange juice that could possibly be an allusion to future alcoholism, and listening to the saddest songs I can muster up. I think it's about time that I just shut the light out and manned up.
Time to stop being a pussy Jeff.
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