Thursday, May 21, 2009


There's a time in your life where you have to simply step back and realize things about yourself. You have to realize exactly what it is that drives you and in turn you'll realize exactly what it is that you have to do to make things better. I'm in my own personal little time of evaluation, so I'm sorry if no one's noticed, but I've been paying a lot of attention to the things you say. They've got more weight now then they ever have, especially because I'm trying to fix myself again.

It happened a year ago, it happened when I wanted to give up on music because nothing was going well. And it happened almost subconciously that time. I gave up a piece of the guitar playing ability I once had to pick up more vocal ability. I also gave up on trying to fix some one else. The entire relationship started on that pretense, and I simply didn't want to try to make everything stop anymore. This is what made me leave then, and of course, as most things do in evaluation, it made things much better for both parties.

Now I'm going through a period of evaluation because I'm stressed. And it's strange to think I get stressed because it's never happened before. I've just never really cared, it was a controlled form of apathy to get me through the time when I simply needed to push away all worry. Now though, it's compiling and coagulating in every oriface I have. I feel like I have to vent because it's the only thing I can do. Pick up this microphone and let all of you know exactly how I'm going to change.

I've done a bit of soul searching, withing my own soul that is. As corny as it sounds, it actually helped quite a bit. I think I'm finally getting to the bottom of the perfection complex I've always had, and now especially why it's rearing my ugly head. You see, I have a complex with how I'm seen. I always want to be exactly what everyone else wants me to be and therefore I try far too hard to achieve some perception that seems perfect to me, just so that no one will hate me. More do now than ever before, but I digress. Lately I believe it is building to a climax because soon I will be leaving, and soon I will be a memory. A memory is a constant perception, something that cannot be changed, therefore if my impression on people before I leave is a malignant one, it'll be the last thing they'll ever think of me. I'm wondering now how I might actually make myself exactly how I want to be seen. I'm going through evaluation.

I'm trying to disect my former character at the present time. Trying to find out exactly what my faults are, and the only way to do this is to take everything said recently and break it into the sincerety that it carries. I'm aware that some things said are incredibly untrue, but that doesn't help to stem my worry. Right now I've broken some things down into a couple of categories, the things that I have to focus on to truly reach the depth of this evaluation.

1) Countenance (this is a big one)

2) Tenacity

3) Willpower

4) Martyrdom

As far as the details go, I'm still working them all out, but I'll give a couple little insights as to the things that I have to work on in each category, just as a list. Again, you don't have to read any of this, it's just here for my own personal record, something for me to come back to if I ever have a lapse.

1) Countenance - We all know this is how you look to every one else, how you hold yourself, and this is exactly what I have to fix before I get out of this city. I have to stop acting like I'm god. I have to stop being so cocky, and I have to stop trying to help everyone, because honestly, not everyone really needs a helping hand. I'm just stepping on toes that are already too hurt. When I do make a difference though, people cling to me, and I can't handle that. I'm too busy, and it kills me to be so close to some one and only just talk to them because I don't have time. So I have to stop playing god, and I have to stop trying so hard. I also have to stop being so sketchy, I realize now that sometimes the simple things could have the most complex meanings, and I have to eliminate them.

2) Tenacity simple tells me that I'm not trying hard enough. Once I resolve to do something, I really have to do it. I can't keep giving up over and over and over again.

3) Willpower - Well there's enough to say about this. I can't force myself to keep working out, to wake up earlier, or even to write on this blog every day. I simply have no willpower to continue doing so. If there's a way to build willpower I'd love to know.

4) Martyrdom - Ironic I know, but I realize how much I complain to get attention. It's not intentional, but in retrospect, when I complain it is mostly to reach that end. Or at least certain people believe so, and when they temper my sight, I believe them. So I have to stop complaining and realize that I'm simply being a martyr.

Can I say much more? I'm simply in a state of repair right now, simply getting to the bottom of things and building them back up because in a few months I'll be leaving everyone behind, and that memory will last until they forget about me. As things stand, I hope they don't remember me for too long.

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