It's all the things you wish you did, and here are a few of mine, just some thoughts before the end of the night.
> Write a Novel
> Put more effort into my musical qualities
> Become closer with the people I love deeply
> Someday be a father
I wish some of it was more material, but honestly, my mind isn't as centered on that right now as it usually is. Today I was comfortable with my body for a brief time, and in those moments I could feel happy and focus on exactly what it was that is important. I got spinning on the subject and those are what I came up with. Could you say my ambitions are set far too high? Could you say I have too many dreams, well I may, but it's not spread so thin that it's impossible. Someday I might actually achieve what it is that I've put there.
Today has been productive in the sense that I haven't really been down on myself. Today has been the day that I've taken what nice things that have been said about me, and put them in a pile for evaluation. Take the compliments and rank them from 1 - 10, that sort of thing, just to see if it adds up, if any of this effort is worth it.
If I had the psyche that I used to, I'd find some way to tell myself that it's not about the acceptance I recieve, it's about the satisfaction of putting something I love out there. This is if I had the perfect psyche, but when effort goes unrewarded, it becomes somewhat of a painful realization when nothing quite turns out like it was supposed to.
Resolved that I write a novel, and I never give it to anyone, my heart will be saved, but I will never be asuaged and I will never know what it might have reaped. Resolved that I do put it out into the public, and the reception is bad, I will be a little bit heart broken, but at the same time it could be simply adding up to any expectation I might have had. Resolved that the recpetion is good, I may actually do well, and things will turn out better than expected. The latter is rarely ever the case with people who come from where I come from. It's a rare case that the small town author or musician is the one who makes it, but this could also be because of low population concentration and the hoard of self-fulfilling prophecies that go with it. Saint John is a plague regardless, but maybe I'll actually pull away from the infinite fog and become something.
If anyone holds any hope for me I'd love to know it. If you think anything I've written on here is worthy of a story, or worthy of a voice, a narrator, than please let me know, maybe I'll actually get the motivation I need. I think I really just need a deadline to keep me focused, or some one constantly pushing from behind to remind me that I'm not nothing.
These are all thoughts and considerations, but who knows if any of it is significant. Chances are not that many people will read this and even fewer will reply. This is my expectation, this is likely how it will be led. Maybe for one I'll just be proven wrong and I might get the helping hand I've been grasping for.