Monday, August 3, 2009


If at any point of your life you realized that you haven't done everything that you wanted to before you died, tell me what it is. I want to know. It seems to bring me comfort that some people in this world have some of the same lost aspirations that I do. This is the kind of thing I sit up worrying about at night, so give me a little peace of mind and let me know that I'm not the only one. Tell me I'm not the only one staying up at night wondering what I'll be doing when I'm 30, wondering if my plateau is already past like some sort of stereotypical white trash poptart.

It's all the things you wish you did, and here are a few of mine, just some thoughts before the end of the night.

> Write a Novel
> Put more effort into my musical qualities
> Become closer with the people I love deeply
> Someday be a father

I wish some of it was more material, but honestly, my mind isn't as centered on that right now as it usually is. Today I was comfortable with my body for a brief time, and in those moments I could feel happy and focus on exactly what it was that is important. I got spinning on the subject and those are what I came up with. Could you say my ambitions are set far too high? Could you say I have too many dreams, well I may, but it's not spread so thin that it's impossible. Someday I might actually achieve what it is that I've put there.

Today has been productive in the sense that I haven't really been down on myself. Today has been the day that I've taken what nice things that have been said about me, and put them in a pile for evaluation. Take the compliments and rank them from 1 - 10, that sort of thing, just to see if it adds up, if any of this effort is worth it.

If I had the psyche that I used to, I'd find some way to tell myself that it's not about the acceptance I recieve, it's about the satisfaction of putting something I love out there. This is if I had the perfect psyche, but when effort goes unrewarded, it becomes somewhat of a painful realization when nothing quite turns out like it was supposed to.

Resolved that I write a novel, and I never give it to anyone, my heart will be saved, but I will never be asuaged and I will never know what it might have reaped. Resolved that I do put it out into the public, and the reception is bad, I will be a little bit heart broken, but at the same time it could be simply adding up to any expectation I might have had. Resolved that the recpetion is good, I may actually do well, and things will turn out better than expected. The latter is rarely ever the case with people who come from where I come from. It's a rare case that the small town author or musician is the one who makes it, but this could also be because of low population concentration and the hoard of self-fulfilling prophecies that go with it. Saint John is a plague regardless, but maybe I'll actually pull away from the infinite fog and become something.


If anyone holds any hope for me I'd love to know it. If you think anything I've written on here is worthy of a story, or worthy of a voice, a narrator, than please let me know, maybe I'll actually get the motivation I need. I think I really just need a deadline to keep me focused, or some one constantly pushing from behind to remind me that I'm not nothing.

These are all thoughts and considerations, but who knows if any of it is significant. Chances are not that many people will read this and even fewer will reply. This is my expectation, this is likely how it will be led. Maybe for one I'll just be proven wrong and I might get the helping hand I've been grasping for.



TheWalkOn said...

Jeff, It seems easier to say things through the anonymity of the internet doesn't it...even if you know that Its me haha.

Honestly man I've always known you would be the successfull one. Whenever I have pictured the future in that future your always well successful. I never realy know what made you successful in my thoughts of the future and I think the reason I never have a solid idea is because you got SO much potential in SO many different areas.

Your an awesome writer, great musician, and a natually gifted learner so no matter what you want to do its just a matter of time before you achieve it.

And we all have those expectations of ourself that we just never met man. I know how ya feel.

julianna crizack [smashed your glasses] :) said...

You asked me last night if I was about to die what was one thing I wished I had done. And I'm sure you remember my reply, and I know it brings you comfort that others have the same "lost aspirations" as you but truthfully some or most do not. Some choose to forget about it completely push it to the very back of their mind and accept it, just like I have. Your not the only one who stays up at night and thinks about these things, I know plenty of people who have and I did once too. You told me once to just 'take a dive' and go for it, and you knew then and still know now how worried I get when doing such a thing, but I listened to you and you know how good reception was. You have to be able to do the same thing when the moment is right for you :) To just take that dive and stop worrying so much of what will happen if you do it. Its not healthy to constantly worry about the future, its just life and worrying about what might or might not happen is wasteful when you could be out doing it instead. The ambitions you have are never set too high because I know, and splash gordon knows that if you tried hard enough you could get to your ambition :) You've always been a extremely successful person. When things go unrewarded I agree it sucks more then anyone could possibly understand but just think about how it could be worse, everything could be much much worse and its hard to accept that also but try? Sometimes it helps to move me along, like it did over this past weekend which I know you obviously know about quite well hahaa. Resolved that you write a novel and give it to a certain few, much like Lucas did in OTH, you wait to see what their reception it and take what you can get from it and push on from there. Resolved that you put the novel out and get bad reception and end up with a bit of a broken heart, go to the girlfriend and get her to put a giant band aid on it and then continue to press on. I'm sure theres enough people around who hold hope for you, they probably just don't want to admit it and even if theres not, is it enough to have two people constantly here for you? :) I hope you are proven wrong in this blog and that you finally come online to you blog with a smile on your face :)<3 I love youuu, and sorry if theres any 'cheesy' in this hahaa you know I'm no good at explaining myself.