Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Drop the ball

"You might as well be blind if seeing is believing" - If God Only Smokes Cheap Cigars, Envy on the Coast

It seems like sometimes you just can't help but drop the ball. Like everything's going good and then suddenly you end up screwing up regardlessly. I thought about this, a lot. Thought about the preservation of peace, the keeping of a good thing, and then I started to realize just how futile it must be. How impossible it would be to not make a mistake, because for some reason no matter how much any human being tries, something always seems to happen to ruin something that's been perfectly good. Some event takes place, some one just has to drop the ball.

If you look at human history, there are crests and troughs, there are inclines, declines and everything you can think of in the span of a simple wavelength. If you break that wave link down you can see the individual crests and troughs of individual civilizations, continents, races, ect. Theoretically you can see the direct cause of a particularly deep trough. You break down that wavelength and you start to get personal. At this point it would be barely visible, probably so minute in the actual scheme of things that no one seems to notice it happen at all, however if this small and microscopic part of the graph were not there, the rest of civilization wouldn't have a graph either. Anyone who feels insignificant, this is your chance to realize everyone's a part of the grand scheme. But I digress. When you get personal you start to see the individual crests and troughs of your own life, and then in breaking that down, the different events in your life that have influenced you.

Right now, I'm looking at the graph of something that's been running for almost a year now, and for some reason, my skill must be flawed. I see the crests stretch for days, weeks sometimes, rarely ever a month, and then some mistake of mine sends it plummeting again. It's because I always base the fault on myself. If you look back you can see in former posts that I went as far as seeing myself as a disease. This is still how I feel. I feel like I curb people's emotions because I make it alright for them to blame anything on me, and therefore they create more instances to lay more blame simply because it's the easiest thing to do. For the record, blaming yourself never really works, there's always some one else involved, because every event in our world is kinetic, and being kinetic requires a force and medium for the force to act through. For the record, you're never upset because of yourself, there's always something else there forcing you into your own hole.

For the record, even though I'm worried about her being worried about how my actions might play out next year, it still really bothers me that no one asks to hang out anymore, and that I'm almost always too worried to ask to do anything in fear of actually seeing that people don't like me anymore.

"Stutter as muttered, a startling repititous phrase" - The Gift of Paralysis, Envy on the Coast

Back to the stage please I bid you my willful disciples, so that you may see me now take a dive as you've never seen. Into a pit and into somewhere that I cannot assume. Something that will simply consume me. I am who I am but will I be him tomorrow? I could never tell you yes yes yes because that would be simply ridiculous. I am a man and man is bound to change, from ape to walking upright, to cutting fingers and selling sex at night. I can't tell you I'll always be me, that I'll always be walked over, it's just what I have to do.

Does anyone honestly believe that I don't get upset about things? Does anyone honestly believe that I'm actually that trusting? That I don't have all these insecurities too? Does anyone hear me when I say that I only am who I am because I'm afraid of tipping a gentle balance on the edge of fragile fingertips? I am who I am because I cannot confront and collapse a peace that I fight so hard to maintain. Passive and agressive, here is the martyr in me, take what you will and leave me with the pieces of what you decide you can decode with proper maturity.

I'm starting to falter, and I can feel it. Starting to feel my toes touch gravel and starting to feel my eyes burn with the breaching of the horizon. Bright and glowing red it comes and who knows if I can stop it. I just want to speak my mind, I just want to say everything I've always wanted to say to all the people who don't understand or who would be angry to hear.

A little girl told me today that she usually has everything in her brain, but at that moment in time, she had nothing. There was nothing in her brain and she simply didn't know what to do. This is what happens to all of us when there are too many words. It becomes a void of confusion and right now, my friends, my readers, my love. My brain is whole, open and empty.

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