Sunday, December 6, 2009


"Do you feel the respiration?"

It's weird that you've been hear before. You've been here a million times before and still you're finding yourself without words. You don't know what to do and you'd prefer to just not do anything at all. Ignorance is bliss. You just got done convincing yourself, convincing those around you that this was healthy, that this was good, that this was air. You've been here a million times and you still don't know what to say?

What do you feel like when the world's slowly slipping out from under you again? It's the same way you trip on ice. First you stop for a fraction of a second to allow your subconsciously genius mind to do the calculus, to wrench at your core muscles to try to stabilize you. Then you slowly begin to realize that this isn't going to work, and the fall begins. There's one of two ways this next part can go. Your neurons start firing off as fast as they can, doing calculations you're not even aware of. The same way it understands perfectly the trajectory of a ball, or the same way it understands the calculus and dynamics involved with walking, it also understands how to fall. There's a practical side of this too. If your mind can react quickly enough your hands will go out to brace the fall. It'll distribute the weight evenly onto your upper body and off of your more frail back.

If you work out the math, there's almost three seconds for you to catch a ball thrown at a given distance. If you do the math, there's less than a second for your arms to move out beneath you to catch you. This is why there are two ways that this can go. Let's say your mind reacts quickly enough. You catch yourself on your hands, but end up with the sore palms to remind you to be cautious. A slight reminder, that'll fade in time, you'll find yourself tripping again, and falling again, and it'll end up in that same circle. It's the way semantics work in an argument. You can chase some one with words as much as you want, but no matter how much you do this to tire them out, you'll ultimately never get to the nucleus of the problem and just end up right back where you begun in the conversations. Ground zero, displacement = 0.

Now let's say that your mind doesn't integrate the curve that your hands have to travel properly, and it doesn't draw that hypothetical tangent quite right. The velocities don't add up because it's a rushed calculation, and you end up on your ass. You get some bruises, and if you're really lucky, you get that nice fractured tail bone. This'll slow you done, this'll get you what you need. A long lasting reminder of exactly what needs to be done. It's not something you can so easily repeat and walk away from.

"Tired in the days that passed away sporadically arranged across the floor
when you've got it made"

Could you make these things all add up at some point? To trigger some scheduled karma reflux? Just get it all over with? Leave yourself with one consistent lasting reminder? That would be nice, but punishment isn't the make of education. If it doesn't happen sporadically, it doesn't happen at all, and we see it as just that: Punishment. How could you retain punishment, if you're simply being wronged.

We learn from mistakes, and through this we grow.

"That once little boy we used to know...are you willing? Well?"

Maybe impatience is the cause of all this. You're constant will for instant gratification. Could anyone blame you? This would is instant gratification. Cedric Bixler once said that no one's waiting for that roller coaster ride up to a climax anymore, they're just looking for that lasting orgasm again and again and again.

I wish I always remembered how boring that becomes. That slope upwards is exactly what it is that characterizes every result.

Might I remind you, I'd like to see this world without gravity. So we can figure out just what this climb is all about. For everything.

I don't know where I am right now. I guess it's just time to sleep on it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Somehow this post called to mind something I recently read in on wikipedia

" In the essay, Camus introduces his philosophy of the absurd: man's futile search for meaning, unity and clarity in the face of an unintelligible world devoid of God and eternal truths or values. Does the realization of the absurd require suicide? Camus answers: "No. It requires revolt." He then outlines several approaches to the absurd life. The final chapter compares the absurdity of man's life with the situation of Sisyphus, a figure of Greek mythology who was condemned to repeat forever the same meaningless task of pushing a boulder up a mountain, only to see it roll down again. The essay concludes, "The struggle enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."

I think, perhaps, it's not the mere futility of a situation, but how you perceive the futility.

Life for some of us isn't really valuable without conflict, doubt, uncertainty, mistakes. Life is hard for everyone, but we see more of the hardness, and it affects us more profoundly.

I have asked myself why things can't be easier. But I also recognize I don't want to have things go effortlessly and then take things for granted. I don't want to be unaffected by the intense experience of it all (good and bad) and what it might have to teach me.

Those who don't have the perceptive abilities that some of us are capable of, do, in some ways, live the proverbial "good life". After all, as you stated "ignorance is bliss". What they don't know can't possibly keep them up at night or tear their hearts asunder.

But extreme awareness, being finely tuned to the minutiae of life, brings depth and breadth and an intensity that is rewarding in the end even if it seems confusing and difficult and painful and frustrating and draining at first blush.

I'd rather be how I am than blissfully ignorant. Life is painful sometimes to be this aware, but at least I am capable of feeling exquisite joy as intensely as I feel soul-crushing disappointments. For this reason, life is not all that bad.