Shine

Balmer was incredibly interested in hydrogen's light spectrum. The way it's wavelength related to the color it emitted.

I think I'm starting to come across in a strange way. I keep telling myself I need a life change, and I keep contemplating very abstract things, things I would've never dreamed of. I want to stop drinking on the weekend to save money, I want to stop eating meat so I won't accept that lucious piece of pizza at the end of a long night of studying. I want to sleep like a madman, using polyphasic sleep methods to dilate my waking time and gain just enough momentum to get something done with the extra hour a day I gain. I want to do things that I don't even have the will power to do, and I have no idea why.

When n as an integer relating to wave length is less than 380nm, the light is invisible..

I'd like to think that if I pulled one of these incredible bouts of willpower that I won't become a narcissist, that I won't gloat about it, however for some reason I can already feel myself typing a blog about my first week of being a polyphasic sleeping vegetarian who doesn't drink. It's like I need something to add to a repertoire that doesn't need any more strange traits. I want what everyone wants to be smart beautiful healthy but for some reason my ends never justify my means. Maybe it's not time for a life change, maybe I just have to do better what I always did before. Maybe I just need to sleep. Maybe maybe maybe.

As n approaches 7, λ approaches a value of 397nm, and the light becomes Violet.

Once I get to where I want to go, will this ever be good enough, will I ever look just like that, just as I always pictured myself being at the highest of my high, or will I overshoot it, will I descend down some ladder of endless stairs, where each one marks another part of my life where I must excel. This of course will lead to the other things I worked so hard for faltering and failing. As I improve, I will actually fall through the echelons of my achievement.

As n approaches 6, λ approaches a value of 410nm, and the light begins to shine Indigo.

So this is the course I intend to take, as treacherous as it may seem. I don't want to try anything drastic yet, I'll take the common approach and start small, I'll go exactly one week doing something that I want to change for the rest of my life. It's strange how that idea consistently pops up. The rest of my life. The very concept always impeding the progress of whatever it is I want to do. I've done the ten day trial, I've tried to meditate it away before it even happens, but it's just like the game. Once you're consciously aware, it's there again, and it won't go away. The human brain can only subconsciously process up to seven things, once you've thought of seven things, the thought seven thoughts ago is supposed to be pushed out, only to return again at a later date. Try it, I promise by the time you think of seven things to think of you'll be right back at square one trying to remember why you were seven things thinking in the first place.

As n approaches 5, λ approaches a value of 343nm, and the light begins to shine Blue.

If you had one chance to stop this, if you could allow yourself to climb continuously upward without allowing the scales to tip, would you find happiness? Atop the highest mountain of your own personal achievement, is there a tiny conduit of happiness that spills forth all that you've tried for, or is it just a small reminder that as you were climbing you'd dropped something to become light enough to ascend further. And even if you made sure not to forget everything, would you not reach the top only to bask in the success of you're carrying that burden, rather than the development you've sought?

As n approaches 4, λ approaches a value of 486nm, and the light begins to shine Green.

If you've realized by now, there's no real way to do everything, to change completely to allow yourself to be content, it will oscillate and change as you do. Your setting tempers you directly, and there's no way of being completely sure of what you're doing. You may benefit in one way, and I congratulate you there, but there's something lacking. Personally, I play guitar every day, or try to. Some days I have too much homework, or I want to go to the gym, or I simply can't miss supper. Some nights I'm supposed to call my parents, but I get too caught up with my friends. Sometimes I forget to say goodnight to the people who matter most because I'm too caught up writing a blog late into the night.

As n approaches 3, approaches a value of 656nm, and the light shines Red.

I'll leave you with that. Goodnight

Two Days

This weekend has been an adventure. There's no other way to really put it besides that. It's an adventure. I've seen a million faces and I've witnessed more facets of those faces in these short two days than I've ever witnessed before. The small things you take in, the things you wonder worry ponder about are so numerous in these situations that sometimes it's hard to remember all the things you wanted to elaborate on, the things you wanted to share. Some of them of course are completely prominent, the things that came to you so clearly.

1. Kinship is akin likeness. - People are judgmental by nature. People discover cliques, or groups, or common friends who all share this same judgment. I'd like to say that anyone is capable of being completely nonjudgmental, however there is always, in my experience, a set list of rules which one must abide by to truly become part of a persons recognized faces. If you extrapolate one persons set of judgmental rules, you find the rules of their respective clique, and extrapolating further to find the rules of the morals set within this group. If you follow the line directly out, further and further you'll eventually come to a binding rule book that is set by the surroundings and acceptances of a general setting. Though you may not recognize it, this exists subconsciously, for me and for nearly everyone I've met.

Whether or not these rules impact you to the point of loving or hating some one, on the clique mentality level, they're all that matters. In order to become part of a group of friends, to be in a small clique, to be generally accepted, your rules have to mirror the ones that are set by the people who make up the group. Sound complicated? Not entirely. "Do as I do" The greatest form of flattery is the most efficient way to excel socially, though it is not at all fulfilling. It seems to be that the abstract, the ones who completely defy all rules and who fight against conformity, who seem to be envied by most. My best example is a close friend and roommate of mine who shows incredibly signs of willpower which grow every day. He's envied, he's loved, and it's wonderful. This way of nonconformity is so much more difficult, but I'm sure his sense of fulfillment is much greater than the sheep in the pack.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a follower by trade at this point, abandoning my high school leader position to fall into rank, to fit a mold. (My words being my rebellion.) To be considered a follower forever would of course cause me some internal trepidation, however I'm sure this could just be my point of view impeding my social growth. I'm sure there are many groups, especially the ones that I'm a part of that hold now true leader, and the followers are not followers, simply friends. We act as bees without a queen, congregating to for some unconscious effort as friends to create our own bonds and deciding our own boundaries.

I'm rambling on this topic, so it may be revisited.

2. History repeats itself

I dare say I'm about to be vague about this topic. It just seems as though it should be taken note of as it's the theme of my thoughts lately.

It seems as though I've been choosing my company based on the faults of my previous. This seems to be a poisonous routine on my part, as it was the exact process I followed previous to my recent failure. I've dropped into a deficit. If I follow the same path I will fall again (though I may be wrong this is my fear.), however if I take to the opposing road I run the risk of encountering the same failure, as experience has shown both paths are treacherous. If through practice I can some how find a road that is intersecting, a road where my rules are met I may be content, though I am guilty of telling others this is simply not the mentality to have. To find a road that would be the most logical to take (in this sense at least,) often leads to something not wanted in the first place. This is the business of work and temperament, should I take an easy, plowed road, I will not find myself wanting what it is I have sown.

Once again I apologize for being so vague, however if you do understand my last words, any suggestions are appreciated.

In the morning and amazing...

The great thing about waking up is forgetting for an instant about all the things that may have gone wrong for the last few days, weeks, or even hours. It's that part of you that never wants to get angry, never wants to cry, never wants to be euphoric, that wakes up every morning. This may only last seconds, the perfect ignorant bliss, but it's the best part of you waking up. You could say that ignoring everything like this forever would cause you some incredible psychological damage, and it's true, it would probably instill so many different kinds of problems that you may find it hard to maintain ignorance for even a few days. But how nice it could be to always just forget, or ignore everything that's wrong like you do in those first few moments of the day.

I think I study people, subconsciously. I've never really been into psychology, so there's no way of accounting for exactly what it is I see, or what relations I make and add to my mental list of attributes, but for some reason I can cling onto certain details. These details eventually lead to some kind of profound compassion that never really goes away. It doesn't matter how they've wronged me or who they are, I manage to find some clinging compassion in everyone's character. I could have listened to them talk for hours, or they're entire person could be completely assumed from semantics passed over curious ears, either way each person I've ever even been acquainted with has a subsection of my mind where they can find they most intimate compassion I can provide.

You could say I'm spread out, completely torn apart and can't care for each person equally but I think I may actually have some ability to switch something over, and provide all the love needed for each person to be cared about. In a completely unrelated way, some one said something that impacted me a lot today, he is an engineering instructor of 20 years, and seems like an incredibly "intuitive" person. (I thought I'd stop using the word intuitive, but a certain some one's tempered my beliefs on the use of that word.) He said that there was an old joke about generalists and specialists. It went as follows "Generalists, are people who learn less and less about more and more. These people eventually end up learning nothing about more and more. Specialists are people who learn more and more about less and less. These people eventually learn more and more about nothing."

This is a reflection of my own life, and the way I've spread myself out into a million different areas. I'm a jack of all trades, but an ace of not a single one. I think it's my way of trying to branch out in every direction to make as many connections as humanly possible. Although this is sometimes a virtue, my connections end up being the connections of a generalist, they begin to become more and more of nothing. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not, because as I stated before I'm some one who prides himself on sharing equal compassion for all the people in his life.

If I could be as ignorant as I'd like to me, none of these worries would bother me and I'd be able to go about my day as a normal person. Or maybe, my perception of what a normal person thinks about is dangerously skewed. I'm not entirely sure. For now all I consider is exactly what happens when I interact with these people.

All I am is who I am, but not in the sense that others are attracted to me through them, they simply make up all that I am physically and psychologically.

improvement

Today

I want to

Begin

Anew

And try

to do something

I've never done before.

I want to really commit

to something.

And who knows that it is.

But when I lay my head down.

In an hour.

I want to have made

A resolution.

Eyes parted three ways

It be strange to see the world from an entirely different perspective. Your entire life you've been seeing everything through the same eyes, speaking with the same voice, observing with the same intuition. To think that it'd be possible to truly live through some one else, in every way is astonishing. You wouldn't have to wonder anymore what people truly thought of you, or at least not one person. Is your character ambiguous and confusing, or is there a constant thought that embodies your person? Who would know, because our minds are threaded with constantly changing thoughts and emotions. One moment you could be one thing to some one, and through traumatic thought or event you could become something completely different. Beauty to beast, enigma to incredibly real.

If there is a stigma attached to you, you'd be able to plot it out. The words that are subconsciously connected with just having your name spoken.

did you ever really know before, my mind, scared to think?

It's not really something you niggle upon to the endless hours of the night, not if you're perfectly sane. It's merely a passing thought for a lot of us. Though even the narcissist ponders for hours on outward appearance, he thinks not for a second upon the painted thoughts of others. There's no reason in thinking constantly what your words mean to others, if they are spoken they cannot be completely unsaid. Freudian slips are there for a reason, and apology for such a phrase would be lying against your own character.

To put it simply, if you go back on words you've once said, you're damaging the beliefs you held strongly enough to berth to their emotion.

There's probably a world out there, somewhere buried in the echelons of our dreams, where we can all see in the colors of everyone's psyche, creating a canvas from the morals they truly carry, however this is reality, this is today. Realistically speaking, there's no way of knowing anyone's true intentions, and there's no real way of knowing if your own intentions are true.

Intuition is a lie because we don't have the capacity to see all the information upon speaking. Our tools are not adequate and our voices not nearly just. Immanuel Kant spoke of the Ding an Sich (which translates to thing-in-itself) which is the absolute entity of an object, observed to it's full capacity. A capacity that we do not have. Until we may actually be able to see a thought, realize a dream, as it's ding an sich, intuition will simply be a lie.

Not in a cruel sense, we're not all unfaithful liars, or pathological cheats. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault.

It truly will never be your fault, because not even you are you-in-yourself.

Work

To spend most of your life on a trend of easy success and acceptance is a crippling existence. Don't misinterpret this, you shouldn't take the easy triumphs for granted, they're not something that should be immediately turned away, however, in retrospect to not have to work towards a goal is something that has been hamartia of my own. My habits don't reflect my future don't facilitate my progress don't ease my mind in the work I have set before me. My body does not wish to push towards anything difficult, and my mind does not wish to toil today, over prospects of an easier tomorrow.

I wish I could make this clearer, but my ambiguity allows you all to relate.

Sir, I'm sure not everyone can relate to this.

For some reason I worry that not all the people that read this will be able to take something from it, but hopefully even those of you who are incredibly different from me can become somewhat acquainted with my situation. I wouldn't like to say this change in tenacity is going to make me bitter, but lately it's left me exhausted. The fruit of my effort has not been completely ripe either, yet for some reason I've kept my old mentality that working towards something broken will eventually lead to something complete.

Sir, that mentality's never gotten you anywhere.

This is a new life, I understand that, and I'm sure you all understand that as well, so take up the charge with me and we'll try to help each other adapt as easily as possible. Crippling the demons of procrastination and calling to arms the power we all have to take up a challenge. I'm amazed with the capability everyone here has to do that. I've never been one to actually have that happen, be a part of something so like me yet at the same time have such diversity in personality. Like I've said before, I don't really have a niche here, but maybe this strive towards a better tomorrow for ourselves is exactly what we all have in common.

Sir, you're talking poetically again.

I wouldn't say all of this linear work has left me uninspired, but it has surely allowed some of my musical self to leak into other areas of my life. Conformity taking place of creativity once again. It seems to be a bit of a cycle for me lately. Another example to add to my growing lists. I think I could be slightly autistic in that sense. The way I always think in detailed lists rather than in aspects and possibilities. If anything from that list becomes flawed or indistinguishable, everything suddenly begins to fall apart.

Maybe I've just got some strange flaw that way. I've found a lot of them.

Sir, remember that you are a disease, you don't want to go back to that.

Thinking that maybe next time I could send some one else into that downward spiral still scares me to. I remind you this is completely off topic. Last time and last time's last time I became somewhat of a disease in my own mind. I elaborated in a blog once, but it seems I've lost it. I just have to keep pushing and pushing and pushing away until I can't believe that anymore. It's got a lot to do with falling, but I don't know, I don't want to know, I have to stop thinking about it.

Sir, you should be working right now.

Tonight

Stop Treating

Tonight

Like it's

The end

of the world.

You have days

made of hours

made of minutes

made of seconds

to change all

of it.

But tonight,

to all of you

is the end

of

the world.

Catch Up

As of 12 hours ago you had just finished another assignment. As of 12 hours you'd just written another blog. 720 minutes ago, you'd finished folding and putting away the laundry that you just finished (you've only ever done it yourself a few times afterall). 43200 seconds ago you'd just sat down to dig into the wizard of oz because some one told you you'd find such great meaning in it (And she hasn't been wrong yet). 4.32E+07 milliseconds ago, you sat here and listened to your speakers blasting out some melancholy rhythm because it felt just-like-home (Sir, you know it's not really the same thing.)

In 24 hours you'll have accomplished a few other things, maybe a chemistry lab, maybe some studying for the three midterms you have in the three day span. In the next 24 hours you're going to think about her at least 1440 times. In the next 1440 minutes you're going to do more homework than you did in your entire stay in high school, and you're going to think at least once every minute about how you let her go. In the next 86400 seconds you're going to have listened to your new iTunes playlist over at least 6 times, and you're going to remember never to regret anything you do, and never give up on what you believe is right.

Sir, In 8.64E+07 milliseconds you could be a whole new person.

With all the time in the world like this you start to see things move so much more slowly, only to find that the clock kept going the same speed. Everyone moves a little bit slower, procrastinating in the way that only a university student can, yet the clock ticks ticks ticks at the same constant pace that it always has. Or organs and our skin all oxidize at the same exponential rate that is specific to our own body and our blood pumps through and back through our veins with the appropriate gait. Yet because everything goes so slow, we feel immortal, and we feel like nothing we do could ever change the way future might turn out.

Sir, it's not right to think about regret.

There's going to be a crossroads soon, it's not like I can't feel it coming on. I feel like I have some sort of empathy with the world around me that for one reason or another causes me sense when people are slowly going to form cliques around me and I'll be left to use my pity to try to attract some clique of my own. It's the part of me that I've always been really scared of admitting to. I'm not some one who can adapt well, it's more or less an accept me or leave me out to dry kind of mentality. But there's one problem with being like that and being here.

Sir, it appears you're stuck in high school.

If I could just be back home, I could be the same way, because all of you still think the same way, you're all still the same people, and I can't associate you with people here. I'm sorry, to everyone back home, but you're all so different, you all belong to the mentality that I love and cherish so much, yet at the same time, I fear in my adaptation here that my scope of your emotions will begin to elude me and I'll change. I could be over analyzing, and I could be a little bored. For once, maybe I'm right? (Sir, that's a scary thought you'd be best not indulging people with).

I sound like a self proclaimed conspirator. The inside of my being and my emotions being a constant changing state, and my conscious their terrorist, or rather, their inconvenience. My inner thoughts causing trepidation in every moment to the struggling countenance that wishes to remain real and unchanged.

Sir, you should just go get some air, this is all too much to try to think about all at once.

Sir, it's best you stop wondering.

Niche

It's strange the way words stop flowing with incredible ease from your body. It's also strange that you can simply stop being the same person you were because your surroundings have become drastically different. You spent your whole life working for this son, breaking down and analyzing everything so you could understand it just enough to keep everybody happy. Does it matter now?

Does it matter at all?

Did it then?

What do you think?

I'd rather not know.

There's a lot of questions that I'd like to ask the me of five years in the future, like should I really try to fit into the right niche like I did in high school, or should I be myself. Some one told me that one night, that I have to be myself and stop pushing so hard. Thank you, and you might know who you are, but if you don't I'll make sure to thank you personally. Just so you'll really know.

Did I mention

Thank you

It's not entirely a question of whether I should make everyone like me, it's a question of how much effort, or how much sacrifice I should make through my own character to attain some kind of status where I'll be accepted and acceptable by everyone that lives in this house.

Did I mention,
I'm an adult now

Frosh frosh frosh. I'm a first year resident of student housing, and I suit the name quite well. It's the way I want to be I suppose. Relate myself to the closest stereotype to my status, do it well, then come back to blow them away by moving up the ranks. This is how high school went this is how life has always been this should be easy. THIS SHOULD BE EASY. Okay slow down, you shouldn't even be thinking about it. Listen to her advice, stop trying so hard. Stop pushing pushing PUSH. It's all you know how to do, but I advise you step back and allow yourself a light moment to reflect and realize where you want to be. Realize what niche you belong to.

Did I mention,

This'll be easier if you let go of that silly ideal.

So it's true, you know that not everyone will like you. Where do you go from here? Do you be bitter when they don't come looking? No, you embrace the ones who do come looking for you. If you're the one that came by tonight, because you heard some music, and you felt like you wanted to listen, thank you. You know who you are, and right now, I think we're pretty good friends. Do you mind if I say that? I hope you don't. It feels good to know that some one really cares.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not upset, I'm not bitter distressed upset. I've got a lot of people who do care about me here, I just haven't had to go looking in a long time. Those two who recently came into some bad contact with a crawling fish, thank you. For being there when I really needed some one. I look forward to having some one that really cares about me, and after so little time, so close by. You make me know I'm going to be just fine okay good.

It's not really much to say you know, it's just a little thank you to all the people who've been around just lately. I probably can't afford to live like I'm about to, but I'm going to, and it's nice to have an arm there to support me in my foolish endeavors. For the one who said I don't have to worry about drugs because now I have a drinking buddy, thank you, and you know who you are.

The one who sings like an angel, the one who just wants a bed time story, the daughter of a seamstress and my own rival chef. The only appreciator of satch, the man with the mind to ask me for help with the way the world pulls us down and the one who can create a slight sexual indulgence in any word said. The one who shared their food because they wouldn't be there and wouldn't have it wasted. You all know who you are, and you're all making this incredibly easy for me.

If I thought that I'd be in a world where I couldn't have people like me, I obviously didn't look at all the ones who sat back and really took me in this month. And you held me up in something that was so difficult for me that you might not even have known about. As long winded as this is, I find it mildly appropriate, for anyone hanging onto my life from afar, they need the details as much as I want to give them to them.

Splash, I know you're probably out there, listening right now, because you've always been there for me, and you're always going to be there. I can't wait till I can come home and we can go flying on your new horse. It's just something that I miss. One of the little things that I took for granted while I was away, and forgive me for speaking in code, but sometimes it's better to leave people wondering you know? I figured I'd give you your own little session here, to let you know that you're the one part of home that I wish I could've brought with me, just so that we could get back to our roots and cause some trouble like we always had. It's just something I think about quite constantly.

If you made it all the way to the end, I sincerely appreciate it, my words are all of me, and to take this all in, even if I don't know you've read it, means worlds to me.