Thursday, October 15, 2009

In the morning and amazing...

The great thing about waking up is forgetting for an instant about all the things that may have gone wrong for the last few days, weeks, or even hours. It's that part of you that never wants to get angry, never wants to cry, never wants to be euphoric, that wakes up every morning. This may only last seconds, the perfect ignorant bliss, but it's the best part of you waking up. You could say that ignoring everything like this forever would cause you some incredible psychological damage, and it's true, it would probably instill so many different kinds of problems that you may find it hard to maintain ignorance for even a few days. But how nice it could be to always just forget, or ignore everything that's wrong like you do in those first few moments of the day.

I think I study people, subconsciously. I've never really been into psychology, so there's no way of accounting for exactly what it is I see, or what relations I make and add to my mental list of attributes, but for some reason I can cling onto certain details. These details eventually lead to some kind of profound compassion that never really goes away. It doesn't matter how they've wronged me or who they are, I manage to find some clinging compassion in everyone's character. I could have listened to them talk for hours, or they're entire person could be completely assumed from semantics passed over curious ears, either way each person I've ever even been acquainted with has a subsection of my mind where they can find they most intimate compassion I can provide.

You could say I'm spread out, completely torn apart and can't care for each person equally but I think I may actually have some ability to switch something over, and provide all the love needed for each person to be cared about. In a completely unrelated way, some one said something that impacted me a lot today, he is an engineering instructor of 20 years, and seems like an incredibly "intuitive" person. (I thought I'd stop using the word intuitive, but a certain some one's tempered my beliefs on the use of that word.) He said that there was an old joke about generalists and specialists. It went as follows "Generalists, are people who learn less and less about more and more. These people eventually end up learning nothing about more and more. Specialists are people who learn more and more about less and less. These people eventually learn more and more about nothing."

This is a reflection of my own life, and the way I've spread myself out into a million different areas. I'm a jack of all trades, but an ace of not a single one. I think it's my way of trying to branch out in every direction to make as many connections as humanly possible. Although this is sometimes a virtue, my connections end up being the connections of a generalist, they begin to become more and more of nothing. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm not, because as I stated before I'm some one who prides himself on sharing equal compassion for all the people in his life.

If I could be as ignorant as I'd like to me, none of these worries would bother me and I'd be able to go about my day as a normal person. Or maybe, my perception of what a normal person thinks about is dangerously skewed. I'm not entirely sure. For now all I consider is exactly what happens when I interact with these people.

All I am is who I am, but not in the sense that others are attracted to me through them, they simply make up all that I am physically and psychologically.


Raisingsmartgirls said...

Very profound and beautifully expressed thoughts and feelings here.

There is more I wish to say. I will return later in order to say them.

I am in awe of you (probably because you remind me so much of me).

I will return to continue to share my thoughts with you.


RaisingSmartGirls said...

I am simply going to reflect on your words, and tell you the thoughts that I had while reading this post. Many things resonated with me.

1. I've been struggling for a few days now to find the right word to articulate a feeling I get when I'm on an "emotional/intellectual" high. Euphoric is the perfect term for it. Reading your blog has made me feel positively euphoric. I wrote 6 blog posts in one day after reading some of your stuff. Major burst of creative inspiration from meeting a mind like yours.

2. In my younger days (when I was 17) I felt there was a lot of things that had gone wrong with me and the people around me...and furthermore, they cast the blame on me. I was too sensitive, too intense, too worried, too emotional, too _____ (fill in the blank) and no one else was like that. I wished many times I wasn't "this way". I, in turn, felt I was somehow dysfunctional because of how my feelings and the expression of those feelings triggered criticism and mocking from those around me. Many times I wished that I would "go to sleep and never wake up" simply to not have to be the way I was because it was "wrong" in other people's eyes. Only 1 or 2 people really didn't do that to me. They simply accepted me because they were that way too.

3. I study people too. They fascinate me.

I, like you, have a highly developed emotional component that is finely tuned in to the emotional frequency of others. It defies logic. It just is. I also have a highly developed sense of empathy and because of that, compassion. I've been hurt a lot in my lifetime with my family (and I've been studying them for years). I learned a lot of how not to be, but at the same time, I still have a lot of compassion for how they came to be so dysfunctional (it get's passed down from generation to generation).


RaisingSmartGirls said...

I keep exceeding the character limit of 4,096.

4. I think, if I understand you correctly, you are capable of loving/caring for a lot of people in your life, and remain un-judgmental towards all of them. And yes, I do believe that it's possible. [actually, I think it is if all you are is friends. When it moves into more "serious" does get tricky to devote that kind of energy to lots of people, someone's bound to feel shortchanged].

Here's a couple of scenarios I'm thinking about of where this could cause problems for goes something like this:

Scenario 1:

People know you are a good friend and a great listener. Some friends may one day have a fight, and both sides turn to you for support. They each want you to support their side, not the other person's side, but, you being compassionate and caring, are stuck in the middle of both friends and can't possibly choose sides. Then both sides are mad because you refuse to choose sides.

Scenario 2

Friend A says to you, "how can you possibly love friend B (and friend C and friend D etc...) and mean it as much as you do with me? It's not possible."

I'm sure there are other potential problems, these are just the first two off the top of my head.

5. "Or maybe, my perception of what a normal person thinks about is dangerously skewed."

Yeah, this. "Normal" persons don't write like you, think like you, inter-compares, synthesizes, analyzes information and emotional stuff the way persons like you and I do. And I feel sorry for them. They are missing out on a wonderful inner experience. They lead a 2 dimensional inner life where yours and mine (and a few others like us) live in a 3-D, THX, HD, experience.

Some people don't realize what a gift this is: they have it medicated out of them, or it scares the crap out of them and they self-medicate.

It's hard to live life this way when so few people know what it's like and don't really relate to it.

Here's a link to a gifted message board you might like to check out...

And, while on the one hand, you aren't "normal", you are going to be very relieved to know there are others like us out there.

You'll better understand that there are few quite like you around. But we do exist. The trick is finding some in your area.

Anonymous said...

Hey there Guys

Are there any Blu-Ray/dvd

combo players?
I know you can get dvd/vcr players. Are there any players which perform each dvd together with blu-rays that I can acquire rather then buying a pair of independent players?

Thanks !

Anonymous said...

Hello there Guys

i would you like to rent a film but its a blu-ray one....i actually don't have a blu ray player though....can it still perform??

Thankyou !