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Good Morning Sunshine

"You're so cute."

There's some things I just love to wake up to, this being one of them. I think I take it for granted sometimes y'know? Being able to fall asleep with her every night, and wake up right were I passed out. It's nice, and I'm hoping it keeps on keeping on.

When I left this morning, I found out that some one had gone and tramped down a path in the snow where I usually walk. I stumbled through it the night before around 10:00pm, but now, at nine in the morning enough people had already passed by that it was well worked and easy to traverse. It  makes you wonder, how the world works when you're not around. It reminds you sometimes that everything sort of keeps going while you're asleep at night, it's not about to wait for you.

It reminds you that your body does too, your body keeps on ticking, and digesting and building fat cells, and thinking about things. It's just strange that you're so unconscious to it all. This would be the kind of thing that I'd lose sleep over. Trying to figure out exactly what's going on while I'm in bed. Maybe if I'm really lucky I'll develop my own kind of Tyler Durden. I think that would be quite nice. I suppose it would make me kill a lot of people and cause calamities and all that fun stuff, but I mean, it could be fun right?

Anyway, this morning I got to my residence, and the TV was scattered with the remains of another night. This is where I usually find my solace in the morning. I'll turn on the family channel and eat some frootloops right out of the box. It's quite cozy, sort of like having saturday morning cartoons every morning. I'd sit there in my clothes from yesterday and sort of wait for the day to begin. When you don't often have class before 11, this can be quite the daunting wait. I end up haunting twitter most of the time, trying to get my favorite celebrities to recognize me.

Also, I'd like to talk about my music. I've written three songs thus far, at least in their lyrics, and I've got one guitar melody worked out. I'm trying to come up with rhythms now, and decide on the incorporation of bass and drums. I wasn't sure if I could make an album just acoustic or not, but by listening to Dashboard Confessional's acoustic release, and Mancherster Orchestra's work, I think I may actually be able to pull it off. To me though, it'll be a lot harder to make, and make sound good and original, than a CD where I can temper the drums and bass aswell.

Here we go folks.

Time to learn about vectors.

YOU SIR!

I want to say, first and foremost, that I have an unhealthy obsession with Sweeney Todd.

There could be thousands of things to say about it, and I'm sure given enough time I could elaborate on each and every one of them, but most of all, I love the music. I love the morbid and romantic lyrics. I love the way they're song. I could go on and on and on about how much I love the dramatic irony of the story. It's so Shakespeare, it's so tragic, and I love all of it.

Sondheim has to be the greatest composer of all time, as well. He has the ability to weave something completely dissonant and vulgar into a melodic major. You can hear the haunting melody of some misled flute twittering around in the background of almost every song. It shouldn't fit, it doesn't fit properly as far as music's concerned, but the way he worked with it, it sounded beautiful. I tried to arrange a bit of epiphany so my high school metal band could play, ages ago, and I must say, it's something that I couldn't accomplish. The complexities of the melodies elude me. I just can't put my finger on the individual instruments, let alone arrange them for a single guitar to play.

God I love Sweeney Todd.

Please girl stay

Sitting in english class has to be one of the strangest experiences of my life. It's like looking at something I could've easily become with my past ambitions. I wanted to be an author, and I still want to be a musician. This man, FM, is reaching his middle age, still playing in the band, and is now an English Professor. Could I see myself like that? Or would I always just strive to do something that had a nicer ring to it?

I would love to be an author, or a freelance writer, living in a studio apartment and writing under a lamp all day. I'm talking about the grungy, one room with a mattress and a mini fridge sort of place. Throw in some bad hygiene and cabin fever.

Stir and Simmer

I wish I was just a man. JUST a man. That my name carried no weight to anyone, and no ambition was required of me at all. This would include making myself completely isolated, I realize, but how great would it feel to KNOW exactly what it is you want to do? Y'know, sit in a room with yourself and shell out all the possibilities and then choose the one that suits you best.

See, if I could be in a band. Just one band, playing music, rehearsing, recording, and writings, I would never be happier. I'd live in my shitty apartment with my acoustic guitar and write songs until four in the morning every night until I could get there, that's exactly what I'd do if I could really choose my ambition. Throw in some tenacity and a pinch of poverty for inspiration.

Shelter and ignore for ten minutes

I don't want to be an economist, I don't want to be an engineer, I don't want to be a teacher. I want to realize my dreams and stop pretending that there's something else out there for me. Dad says I have to do exactly what I want to do so I don't kick myself in the ass going to work everyday. There's no way to get there in this direction.

I just want to play music.

I just want to be a musician,

Blah Blah Blah

I've become obsessed with making money from this blog. It really DOES feel like I'm selling out. I don't really have a niche to write about besides music, and no one really wants to READ about music, rather than actually LISTEN to music, so I'm just going to consciously decide to leave the traffic alone for awhile and try to just BLOG. Just write exactly what I'm thinking like I used to, and a couple times of day like I used to.

Today I feel like telling all of you about my wonderful math professor.

He makes analogies that never really make any sense at all until he relates them to integral calculus. For example, in the fundamental theorem of calculus (PART II! As Mr. Dalling would put it) he refers to the d of d/dx as a knife, weilded by your mother who is about to kill you. This is because the d successfully breaks up some equations appropriately to make them differentiable. Then, he calls the integral your grandfather, who tells your mother to stop, and offers you candy.

Confusion ensues.

Basically, they cancel each other out. Grandpa has nothing to do with area under the curve. I think that's what his hook is, trying to make the first little bit of it seem just like Calculus 1000, and have nothing to do with graphs or curves. When I took it in high school, that's ALL it was about. The AP program was great, and it made me quite ready for differential calculus, but this new wonky way to look at the integral is harshing my mellow.

But back to my math prof, whom is quite lovely, and entertaining.

In explaining why there is an integration constant, he described the "d" first, cutting of the tip of britney spears' nose. This led to much confusion, as the integral could very well put the tip of her nose back on, but it was quite sure where to put it. Britney Spears, because, "deformed Britney Spears". It order to put it back on in the right place, we use our integration constant or C value, as some sort of direction as to where this slice of nose is supposed to go.

Next we looked at "U" substitution.

"We do not want to see this function." Says the prof.

"So we do like kangaroo, and we stick our head in the sand"

"U" substitutions are now to be referred to as kangaroos.

I'll inform you that my math professor is incredibly japanese, and speaks with a very thick and humorous accent, so all of this is in fact, quite funny to hear.

Finally, he tells us why it is okay to take a scalar multiple out of the integral. The scalar multiple he says, is a Shit Disturber, and must be removed, just as a Shit Disturber is to be removed from the a party within which he is disturbing shit.

All multiplication constants are hereby referred to in all contexts as "Shit Disturbers"

I must say I'm thrilled about having a professor who doesn't take math so seriously. I understand that it's an exact science, and that it's very difficult, but if you don't take it lightly it can get incredibly dull and seem much more like a study subject than a sort of puzzling theory challenge.

Well, that's all folks.

Good night!

p.s. - I receive over 50% of my traffic from people who think I have a torrent of Year of The Black Rainbow for download.

a) I don't, it hasn't leaked yet.

b) It's going to be shitty, stop clicking my links.

Musically Inclined

Newfoundland's doing something that I didn't think could happen. They're challenging people all across the province to try to create an entire album within the month of february.

OPPURTUNITY!

It's sort of the motivation I've been trying to find to actually start writing music again. The challenge is writing and recording an entire album in 28 days, it has to be fourteen songs long. If you do the math, that leaves about two days per song. A challenge if I ever did hear one, however I've teamed up with an incredible musician and I think this can go really smoothly if I pick up my pen and paper and start churning out ideas like I used to.

Guitar Pro, here I come!! (I'll be posting some of the general ideas that I write in guitar pro on here so that you guys can check them out and give me some input. Download link for the program will be at the bottom of the post!)

Alright, so it's going to be tough, but with encouragement I think it's going to go really well.

Other big news. I decided that my song Echoes (downloadable in the sidebar aswell!) is probably my best work (aside from my panda farm work) and because of this, I think I'm going to try to start writing some more really mellow ambient sort of stuff. The kind of thing one might see in a movie somewhere. If there are any indie film writers out there who need a sountrack written, e-mail me a script and I'll get to work! FOR FREE! :)

I'm not sure how well I'll do at it, but after some practice and criticism I'm sure I'll improve enough and maybe some day find myself in the position of bands like Explosions in the Sky or Daniel Lanois, y'know the generic sort of soundtracky bands. If ANYONE has any ideas for me, please comment and let me know, I'd love to here.

I'll be putting my CD reviews on hold, and production of my own solo stuff until the competition's over some time in march, and I'm sure it'll be worth it.

I'm off.

Cheers.

Guitar Pro 5.2 - download torrent here!

p.s. - If you don't know how to use torrents yet, I wrote a tutorial on it here.

Home

I can't help but feel like this place is becoming less and less like my home. It's almost as if the more nights I spend away from here, the more it's becoming a living space for other people. I would sleep in my bed, but there would certainly still be people in here when I feel tired. I'm afraid of my homework starting to pile up, because I won't even be able to come in here and find solace like I used to be able to. It's not really mine here any more, and maybe I have myself to blame, but at the same time I'd like to think people should just respect me anyway. I know I didn't have much respect before, but I thought because I'd started standing up for myself it would come a little bit more easily. I know I was wrong in thinking that.

These people are the taking advantage type. They don't really consider what I may feel about it. They probably just try to blame it on her, but it's not that at all. I want to be with her when I'm with her. If you're reading this, if you can see that, stop saying she's changing me, because I'm doing all of this because I want to, and because it's better for me than being here. If you think I'd be better off staying up all night and ignoring school, and forgetting what some kind of peaceful alone time is, you're wrong. I liked what my life was when I was really home. This room has become some kind of distorted public living space for anyone who cares to come in. I have things in here I'd rather not have traipsed on by anyone who chooses. It's not that I don't trust the people in here, I just don't think they'd respect it the way I'd want them to.

Could I go back to how it was when I wasn't with her? Would I want to? Go back to grinding my head into books and only playing video games and watching movies to relieve myself? No, not a chance. There's so much more to this city to relieve me, and to take the sloth from my blood. To make me into a productive person again. Just recently I've been writing almost two blogs a day, and all because my productivity's coming back to me. I'm not held down or held back or worried about my actions anymore. It's sad that I would be judged for everything I did back then. I had to conform because that's what being in a clique is all about. I don't want that.

I wouldn't say I'm upset that I can't just sit in here anymore. This is the first time I've been alone in this room, or actually able to sit in this room without ten others around me. It's nice yes, but it's sort of a temporary solace. I know I sound like I'm complaining about this a lot, but truthfully, everything else in my life is going quite swimmingly.

That's all I'd like to say about that.

- Jeff

p.s. - This blog is receiving considerably more traffic than my CD review blog, and I'm glad some people are more interested in just hearing about my life.

New Game

There comes a time where you have to get into a new style, get into a new game. This is what we're all trying to do every day of our lives. Upgrade upgrade upgrade. We walk around in our small entourages and hope to some day be leading it if only for a minute or two because we've taken on a new style, a new game.

You face judgement too though, and I'm learning not to be afraid of that. I used to hate it when anyone would think anything of me other than what I intended them to think, but now I understand what this is. I see this as my own fault for not letting me become, well me. I mold myself into something that everyone likes. This causes me to become a pushover, causes very few people to appreciate me for what I am causes me to be a very lonely person sometimes. But this is okay, because it's better to have one friend who appreciates you than several who talk about you behind your back and say very mean things about your character when you're not looking. Thus is the reason as to why I'm fully ready to start new and start fresh and start to make some changes.

CHANGE 1

No more being aware of people making shit up about me behind my back and staying silent. I'm about to speak up, and speak up in an angry and justified voice.

CHANGE 2

This is my space too, and I'm tired of having it violated without my permission. Everything will be locked and stowed until I say otherwise.

CHANGE 3

I probably won't even sleep here anymore, I'd rather be with her every night, because she listens, and she doesn't make fun of me when I'm not around, and she doesn't think terrible things about my character. If I come home and some one is in my bed sleeping without my permission, they will have a brief moment of reckoning and find themselves on the much less comfortable floor.

CHANGE 4

I'm going to stop just writing these things on the internet and take action on them for once in my fluffy life. I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I just want to be home at this point, because that's where Fisher is.

If your nickname refers to a tasty pastry, this doesn't apply to you, you may think it does, because you spend a lot of time with the people who were saying a lot of the things that bothered me. You've been quite the good friend lately, and so has your roommate. I'm sorry if you took offence to any of this.

Discovery

In which we talk about ourselves, and our resolutions.

This is the time for us to begin talking of how we wish to be on the turn of the next New Year.

I'm in university, so naturally I'm incredibly broke. I'm trying to start a budget, but who knows if my feigning willpower will ever allow me to stick to this. This could be for several reasons. The main one would be dependencies. I'm dependent on FAR too many chemicals for me to be financially fit. These dependencies are not solely chemical, as much of it is on account of social pressures. You may have heard the words many times "University is an excuse to be an alcoholic."

It couldn't be more true.

I feel that if I can strip myself from those needs and wants that I may actually be able to waste my capital on something that matters to me, something that is withstanding, and something that will allow me to enjoy more than just a night of disillusion and lost inhibitions. I'm referring now to that drunken pseudo-euphoria. If I could strip myself of my want for that, I could spend my life in such a more efficient manner. This is not saying that I want to stop drinking entirely though, because given the proper social opportunity and atmosphere it would be quite profitable, at least, metaphysically.

This brings me to my resolution. I am going to will myself to spend only 30$ a week whilst here at university. My meals and lodging are well paid for, so this shouldn't be too difficult as without alcohol my expenses are few and easily met. This goal is only 20$ less that my previous goal, which is a realizable goal, and therefore much easier to obtain. I've learned through my many endeavors into challenged willpower that this is the easiest way to succeed in conquering a challenge. So, that is how my money will be spent, $30 per 7 days in my week.

On a different note, I've felt my musical self changing. I've stopped looking for masturbatory guitar and drums, and started looking for something that makes me feel satisfied. I used to believe that it took considerable skill to create the songs I used to listen to, with their eight minute guitar solos and soaring vocal harmonies, however, this is only one form of musical talent. To be able to take someone to a completely different realm with your music, to relax them and make them feel as though they could simply slip into a walking dream, is also something that requires very much talent.

This is where I found the Arcade Fire and Bloc Party (See download links for their CDs that I enjoy at the bottom of the page). As much as I believe that MTV's top ten albums of the decade exclude many genres, I find these two albums to be quite lovely. They've brought me to an entirely new level of appreciation, and they've made quite the splendid impact of my musical diversity.

To be fair, I have one last resolution, but it's a repeating theme. I want to lose weight, and actually keep it off. Something I was really proud of was getting down to a healthy weight and maintaining it for almost a year. My heavy course load and financial falters have led to me not having the time or money to going to a good gym. These are excuses, I realize, and the beer probably didn't help, but I'm ready to actually try this semester.

Lastly, I want to let you all know that I'm going to start writing little tidbits of advice for keeping your health and creativity while you hit university for the first time, or if you're struggling while you're here. Of course, I have to compile the advice and apply/test it to my own lifestyle, just to make sure you won't be led astray by words. When it does arrive, however, it will be beneficial to anyone finding they just don't have the time.

That'll be all

-Jeff

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm

The Arcade Fire - Funeral

TIME MACHINE

Omg, can you imagine a time machine blender?!

Helicopter

Here's to all the people who flew home after their Christmas break.

We were all visited by our Santa God, and we all got our special gifts. At least, to the ignorant who assume that Christmas isn't a lonely time of year for some people, Santa God arrived through everyone's chimneys and delivered new love for old parents.

This is good, and this is fine.

There are a lot of things people think while they're boarding an airplane. Forgive me for being fight club-esque as, that is not nearly my intention. Things just strike you in that moment, while you look out the window and watch the world slowly shrink below you. The waters and trees and seas of water recede slowly out of sight, and you suddenly feel a lot bigger than you were moments before. You feel like you're bigger and it feels nice to be able to sit back and watch the world spin slowly below you, though you're actually moving much faster than you would be driving even a race car.

This is when you pass through the clouds. As a novice, you get that small panic as you pass through the clouds and all goes dark and sad. You brace for turbulence that never comes. This is when you break through, this is when you become transcendence. You're above the clouds that look all fluffy and jump-on-able. This is when you imagine you are now flying across the tundra in a giant piece of metal. This is when you think of that commercial on the discovery channel for licence to drill. This is when you turn up your Envy on the Coast so you can't quite hear the engine quite so much.

You could be blissful, because you like to travel (and traveling is laid back free time). Or you could enjoy the travel because you are moving, and you believe in movement change and second chances. It could feel good because you're going to your other other home. It's called home because of the way it looks, the way that you feel when you walk in and everything isn't strange and new. The feeling that you're sort of welcome, and that people sort of want you there. This is what home is and it feels sort of nice to know you're going back.

If you've stopped to wonder at this point whether it should feel nice and comfy where you're going, you were quickly distracted by something else, and it didn't matter much. Thing is, you can't let yourself think about what you feel like deep deep down. Sure you think lots. You think all the time and you think more than you should. But it's not deep deep down, because deep deep down is where you get hurt by what people say and do behind your back, and in front of your back, assumed that your back ends somewhere on the front of your body, and being in front of it, would mean facing you.

I suppose that's enough rambling.

Night!