I'm a comedian

This is how I came to realize people don't understand each other.

When some one's talking to some one else it's just one big toss back and forth. Just one person doing their own thing and adding just enough to be heard on their own terms. Bouncing back and forth. Hello. How are you. Good, You. It's never really a whole lot like a real talk. It's more like each person waiting their turn to say something. Sitting around your table would be exactly the same. Talking talking conversing but not really. Just waiting patiently for your turn to say something new.

I'm not really bitter about this, I don't entirely mind it, it's just sort of there. It just something else I noticed about people. Everyone that wants to be heard is going to be heard even less and ever one that holds it in is just going to get over looked because, honestly, how could you ride if you didn't stand in line? Stoicism and stoicism and keeping it in. Don't bother, it's not going to get you anywhere but throwing yourself the wrong way off of a cliff. Just another bad tumble onto yourself and more more more tears.

I don't say holding it in is terrible. It's not bad horrible stupid. It's just not how I would go about it because I can't hold it in like that. I guess I just like knowing what's wrong, and I like to tell people what's wrong. Resolution comes easier that way. You don't have to say anything at all, but enough would be fine. Wait your turn, be patient, then let it out. You'll get compassionate patience for a little while, and then when it's their turn, you'll get a compassionate speel that they hope will make them look like a better person. And help you in some way.

Talking's really counterproductive, just masturbation without a mess. You just keep repeating a process to attain an end.

Talk talk talk

Up down up down

Talk talk talk

It's all really the same, if you look at it that way.

I don't care if you confide in me. I enjoy it, so please indulge, and I'll do my best to help. I'm sorry though, I'll probably confide in you too, when my turn comes. That's how it work, you trust me, you tell me, I trust you I tell you and so on and so forth over and over time and again. 

Note to self: Don't talk to Miranda something.  :)

Sunsets

If I compared you to a summer day I wouldn't be doing you justice. 

This weekend was something that I wanted for oh so long. I longed for it craved it wished it and it came. It wasn't so much a vice satiated as a fantasy playing itself out in all the right ways. I had a dream that brought me into the shadows and gave me a chill to tell me it might actually come true. It didn't. When you can defy surrealism you found in a dream with people with friends with family, that's when you can tell yourself you've come very very far. So far far away. This was something I did and you could say it's pride that's making me so happy ecstatic joyful but I would say it's more of an after-glow of an amazing weekend that's keeping everything so strong inside me. Did I mention that it almost happened?

All the chaos on account of me reminds me of freedom reminds me of her but mostly reminds me of you. I look back on it a million times and you're the one on my mind. You're the epitome of all the crazy insane free things. Like a symbol in the clouds that you pick out and tell yourself it's the new divinty. That was how I used you. I told myself early early on that you would be everything that would make me happy and weeks later you became that for me. My platypus shaped cloud, my new divinity.

This weekend was a great success. We partied we laughed we cried we had touch. It was all your senses opened out into your pores so that they could absorb all the experiences and dead set them into your memory. The deep seated happiness that everyone wants to be able to look back on when their gold fish dies. It would only make sense that these experiences, the ones that embody the loss of order, are the ones that you look back on when a gold fish dies because for a lot of people getting up in the morning to feed that simple mind is all the order and routine you really have.

Oh you you you. I can't exactly get you off my mind now. But I like that. We hung out like normal people and we did things like normal people and we were normal people. It was surprising because we're so irregular and we like to move move digress, but we were normal people for a night because we had become so comfortable with each other. Don't let the word normal take away from the experience, it was more than reading doing homework hoping the superbowl didn't get over. It was more like the coming of the normality in a relationship, the ability to be so comfortable with each other you can be yourself. To allow the mundane to become a part of who you are with the one you love shows you that you can actually be with them as yourself. We were normal normal mundane as a grey shirt with no stains and a ham sandwich.

There's a few stains on the floor now but I'm not upset. I was too busy to enjoy too much at my own thing so now I'll look back on those stains and I'll know I was somehow part of it and how I somehow will be part of it forever and always embedded in memory. I feel like an enabler, but giving them a reason to let go and the oppurtunity to do so isn't so much of a sin. I don't really feel all the bad at all. It was worth it. That's what I mean.

I don't really know what the future holds for me now. I'm still not comfortable in my skin, but I'm getting there. I've got to keep moving on. There's not a whole lot more to it. I think I've applied to university. It's how I do, it's how I want to become part of the big scary world. It's how I want to be free and happy and careless and careful all in the same light. I'll be living with Quinn, if all goes right, in a proper dorm with proper things and healthy food. The meal plan simply won't do for both of us. I think that's the rub for us. A meal plan. We're both incredibly individual individuals and if we don't do our own thing it's going to be a calamity wrapped up in some whole wheat flax seed bread. Here we go though. To the free post.

It's over now, I've got to go to school, but I want to remember that night forever. Right now, in this moment is like a sunset, the end of one section of my life and break out into the next. A flip of a coin turn of a crank evolution of the mind. Dive in.

"No one ever said that hope would be so beautiful."

Jessie, Bad Boy

Simplicity never meant very much to me. It was like I absolutely overlooked everything that was perfectly normal because it was just mundane and didn't derserve further inquiry. Passing by something small and insignificant. Something small small meaningless. You never realize how many things take on these properties while you jaunt around the places your world has become. We just pass pass leave them behind. It's not really something that you have to worry about right? It's so simple. It's common sense.

You really have to sit back now and open up an ear an eye a brain and just witness momentarily how I began to view all this simple and mundane as an incredibly insightful discovery around every turn. My mind begun to dull, and not quite enjoy all those complex and scary things that they have to teach you in school about quantum this quantum that and derivatives, so I started to turn to simple little things that I could just convince myself I knew more about then everyone else, because everyone else doesn't pay attention. This became some what of an interesting science. I was a preteen theorist and I was discovering already discovered things around every turn. Perfectly normal things that most people would just pass by.

It was in peoples actions faces movements voices. All those tiny and insignificant things that no one ever takes notice of. It was a personality embodied in action. I could fully distinguish individual behavioral patterns in teenaged girls by the age of twelve. It was quite simple. After people started confiding in me (obviously because they'd heard about my prestigious study) I began to notice many tendencies. One was implied, girls always seemed to want to date a hundred different guys, but they only stayed with the one their friends really wanted them too, because what was a boy to then but a kissing post at the end of the day. Well, for many that actually did stay more than a week became incredibly attatched and started to get broken hearted all over the place. This new epidemic of broken hearts led me to believe what all of these heart broken girls were telling me. That was BOYS SUCK.

Well you're wrong, not all boys suck. A lot of the time you just have to tell us what to do and we'll go merrily along with it and some times get enough gusto to throw in some flare and surprise you. That's just the reason that all of us BOYS SUCK. There are some other cases however, where it is not gender specific, and the male counterpart in the relationship just so happens to have some mental imbalance.

I also discovered something else that was incredibly vital to my research in past years. There seems to be a like charge shared between girls and Xbox/Playstation controls, and likewise with D'n'D minatures ect. This is because the two objects seem to repel each other with quite a shocking force. I was never completely sure why, because all I could ever think about was how the BOYS SUCK label would never be applied to any of the people who I spent my weekends with crashing away on a control and no doubt developing some deep seated carpal tunnel. So, this magnetic occurance was of course very unfortunate, as girls didn't seem to grow out of it until they were well beyond the age of fifteen. (source: myself)

Middle school was the most confusing time of my entire life because I tried to understand girls because my dad told me I would never understand girls. Now, I still don't understand girls and the BOYS SUCK, and controller magnet theories are still patent pending, so until I really get some good hard concrete evidence, I'm stuck where I am, just watching the normal mundane simple things closely, and that'll keep me happy.

On another not quite similiar note, possibly from the minor key, I can't wait for this week to come and go and come back again because my parents will finally not be here and I'll get some rest and relaxation. Then I can start back again with mom. I see how angry I've been about her, and it's honestly incredibly stupid. All the things she's over looked for me, and I don't even let her get away with asking me to do things that most people would be morally obliged to do anyway. She's only out to get the best out of me that I have to offer, and I love her for that, so I can't really so much be mad at her any more, because that is stupid.

- "With a Phrase to Cut these Lips... I love you"

(sorry I stole the lyrics at the end of it from you Ben, I just thought it was super nifty)

Wait, Listen, Crumble

You can't watch the frail syrup drip off the lip of a harlequin's manequin that wears a dress down to her knees. You can't watch it knowing that you're going to have to sweep up the remains of a shattered glass in the end. Fourteen different things could be flying through the air at the time but when you're focusing on it, that one trouble, there's not a whole lot else that can catch your attention. It's beautiful and it's strange and there's nothing in the world that could bother you more. It's something that you've thought about for oh-so-long and it's getting closer closer closer gone. Now you've got something to think about.

You can sleep on it sit on it think on it but not give a fuck. Just all day, thinking watching waiting for some amazing inuendo that fits perfectly in the puzzle of how all of this means anything to you in this big black place. Where did you go wrong? What did you finally do to fuck everything up again? You couldn't possibly be perfect. There's always something wrong wrong wrong. It's all your fault because you just couldn't fucking look away. That frail syrup dripping off the lap dance lapel of the rich man "GOD" calling out names to be pleased. You watched, and you waited, and you lost. You can't fix everything, and you'd be stupid to try to. Did I mention that you've never been too bright. You're not that smart, not smart at all, you always manage to FUCK UP. Y'know I don't blame your parents. They love you, they're spectacular, but you deserve the shit you get and there's no reason you should be complaining so much.

This is your pilot speaking. Please remove your left hand from your forehead, as this is merely an illusion. You're head doesn't hurt on account of a headache, and massaging it won't make anything feel better. Your head hurts because you can't stop worrying and it just keeps turning in circles and is gradualing boring yet another hole in your psyche. Don't worry, it'll go nicely with the hole she left. yes yes yes. You remember that hole she left, the one that made you a "good person" that one that made you start worrying about every little thing? That's the hole I'm talking about, and that's the one that's gonna be hurting. Your psyche, not your head. This is your pilot speaking, and I would please ask you to remove your hand from your forehead, you look like a fucking tool.

Do I think I'm a big man because I bear down on some  one like this. Well, I guess I'm doing something counterproductive, because the more I tear into you, the more you barret yourself and the more I have to pick on. This is just fantastic, being the man in the back of your head, kicking your cortex until you've got nothing left to think about but all the shit you've done wrong. Do you want me to come clean clean crystal clear with you right now? You should not be with her. What is she doing with a insolent little fuck like you? You're fat, you've got no idea when to shut up, and you're stupid trying to please everyone is just taking time away from her. Seriously, you have to give up on her old friends, they're not here for you anyway, they're just silhouettes of the former you. I liked him better regardless, he used to yell at people and call them out when they were nervous. I liked him.

You've gotta give it up kid. Just straight up off the edge and let me help you push because quite frankly you're a waste of space. Even I can see that to be completely honest and crystley-crystal clear with you. Yes yes yes oh yes you're just a filthy waste of space, and I hope everyone lets you know just how much they hate you in the next coming days. Honestly!! You can't expect so much from people. They're all going to call you out on how unreal you are. Oh but I have to stop pissing you off now, looks like you're off to work, and then to work. Work work work, do you ever stop?

What can I say

Fourteen no eighteen no all of the bodies got gathered up in one little pile in the middle of a black black feild. The ashes took weeks to clean and they all had stories written on them all had a story written on them but no one knew so much as a name. It was all they asked, all of them. all of the bodies. To be known because of their little bit of flourish and their little bit of death dancing to get them well known and famous while their burned in their black black field. All of their life stories drifting up and up and up into the sky where no one is going to catch them each and every piece and read them because the birds don't give a fuck and they'll be talking with god personally. 

How could you have been so stupid.

You could have had every little shred of whatever you wanted to take here here home on the planet and yet you leaped with so much grace into a big old puddle of gasoline. Keep breathing keep breathing but listen. When you hear the strike of the match you just so graciously wet yourself because of god knows what. I don't know what, I wasn't there, I can't gather your ashes and read your story. Point is. You pissed yourself, out of fear, out of excitement, out of the backlash of that severe opium trip you fell through equally as gracefully earlier. Stop being so thick, but it's too late to be mad now. No no not yet. No one can bring you back from the dead because a body can't breath or talk or tell you how to bring them back after gaining infinite knowledge in the afterlife. No one's bringing you back stop complaining you're a corpse.

Where where where did I put it. Where did I put it now I can't find it. You've been scratching around and searching around for the one thing the last thing the only thing to bring you out of this stupid little state and you can't find it. Can't find release from all of these little inconviniences, can't stop saying the wrong thing. Do you really want to go back in time and fix every little thing that you every did wrong? Kill yourself. Do you want a time machine? Jump off a cliff. Do you want to love your mother more? Kill yourself. Have you ever embarassed yourself in front of thousands of people and now you feel bad about.

Kill yourself

Kill yourself

Kill yourself 

Why bother moving on when you could always just bloop of the face of the earth. Is there something holding you back? Put your face on the ground with all the bodies, smell the gasoline, take a deep breath. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. There it is, the strike of a match and you're just another cider in the flame taking you to a better place. How could you be so stupid so naive so stupid stupid wrong. But it's too late to be mad. Not time not time yet. I can't be mad while you're laying there with your face down because it's hard to break something already so clearly so incredibly broken. But wait, when you meet god, find out how to make a time machine and go back before everything went downhill. There's the answer.

Kill yourself.

Oh please please please please please please just get it over with so I can stop stop stop wait. I don't want to stop. Here I am match book in hand and I can give you all over to what you want to be given to but I won't. Don't kill yourself. How can you be so stupid stupid stupid. This black field's your life so get up and play fucking ball. Now that you're all soiled and feeling quite down hearted you're going to have to get up and do something with yourselves because I'm not about to honestly and truly be the one to end it for you. You've done it again, all of you, just gone and made yourselves look stupid stupid stupid.

Such a sin really that I'm so insensitive and that I'm out to seriously hurt everyone and everything because I just want to feel pain, I just want to see pain I just want you to know that I want to see your anguish. Tell me all about and please let me bring you to my black black field. Lay face down while I make you realize some things and I push you over the edge of your own cliff and the bring you back. I'll pull the trigger, I'll push you, I'll hang the nuse, I'll call the squad to attention, I'll spike the drink with cyanide so why wait and JUST KILL YOUSELF.

Cross multiply and Carry

Cold and dark is the way it is outside with a hint of glory to bask in. I just got home and I'm feeling like a not so drunk. I can't believe it's been so long since I've been in a wrong state, and honestly I miss the out of control I get. Could I do this again? I know I could and I want to I need to I can't. I think I have a moral obligation to no do it anymore because of something something something I lost it. But that's not important. What's on my mind is that I'm suddenly not good enough for my own mother my own family my own friends it seems. Can I remedy this with some suddenly tenacious bursts of compassion for them? Am I really that selfish?

I was home all day cozy and warm playing a game I really like. Quinn Jordan Twinkee Adam got it for me. I play it all the time. That's besides the point though I suppose because I promised to let you know what it is that is bothering me. I may not have promised before, but I certainly am now, so listen close close. It was mom. Of course. Have you heard me complain about her before? I'm about to again so don't get to excited. What happened was she told me that I was selfish and not good enough and not five minutes went by that she wasn't angry about me for something.

Selfish Selfish Dramatic

These words keep popping up every time I talk to her and I can't find it possible to stand it much longer. Can I leave leave get out? I wish I could but I can't find the strength in my legs and my lungs and my heart to just throw myself out the door. It's a to be or not to be crisis that I can't fix because I don't know what it'd be like out there in the big scary lonely world. Can I ask some one? Does any one know? Just tell me because I'm not scared to hear it. If it's not so bad harsh real I might actually try it for awhile and chronicle my journey into the outside world. The big harsh scary real outside world.

Tell me tell me please.

Not to digress but we were talking about sweet dear mother bear. She's not so much terrible to me as unbearable. We can't talk anymore and I don't think she knows that she hurts. Like the picture of young and innocent me that reminds her of me reminds her of hugs reminds her of innocence. I can't be him anymore and for that I'm terribly sorry. But you cried. You cried cried sobbed on it and told me how you did so. It hurts to know I'm not making you feel like a loved mother. I'm a loving son. But moving on moving on keeping going. She's yelling a lot now. Calling me selfish but I don't know where this comes from. It's because I go out I think. Like Liz's parents did. It's because I'm having fun like a never used to. And don't blame yourself for this because no one else will because it's not your fault because I like being with you.

I think it might be the abandon

Why do I always refer to it as abandon? It's not abandoning anything but actually seeing my friends more. I have one free night a week give me it. And then there's family family family. It's not my fault that he doesn't fit in with them that they don't necessarily like him that he can awkward. Now my fault not his fault don't blame anyone. I worry about it though a lot. I worry a lot. Worry. You used to worry, is that why I worry? who cares don't listen who's listening. I try to be close to my family. It's not like it's my fault that I don't have the same interests of you of them of my relatives. It's not my fault. Blame blame selfishness. Is this where it all adds up?

Selfishness + Family Functions - Time with friends = ____________

Figure it out

I can't do it. I'm sorry I can't love everyone with a little tiny teeeensy bit of my blood in them like you do. It's not my nature not my element not me. Can I do it for them and be part of it. I really wish I could be. I miss liam, I feel bad for how I treated him but I'm coming back to me. I taught Vanessa how to bowl tonight. I showed Ben how to inhale helium and sound like he hadn't even hit pre-pre-pre puberty yet. It was fun. Rodney laughed. Mitchell Laughed. I missed it. She took me out of that selfish state. Can I stay there?

I guess it's better now. I changed myself to get my way. But is this why I'm selfish? Because I only love my family because I want something. She'd be happy with it though. Mom. I'm not complaining.

I'm friends with all of them again. "The girls".

It's strange even being able to talk to them all just because I spent ten minutes talking to Liz on MSN. It's no big deal. I just wanted to see how things were. It's not like I'm after her again and everything's going to be willie-nillie like it was. Sorry, I love Julianna, with all my heart now. Every square centimeter millimeter the unit small than the latter. Every little tiny-est winy-est bit of it. So don't think it's going to go back to how it always was. I'm just friends friends old friends.

Can they change?

They remind me of sick sick wrong sometimes. Sometimes. Some days.

Before I go. I miss her. I left her house tonight, and on her door step with kissed and said I love you and I couldn't picture my arms without her laying there with me while i drifted into a lonely sleep. Oh oh oh I want you here right now. I read your blog. I loved it adored it read it twice thrice.

Goodnight.