Monday, February 2, 2009


If I compared you to a summer day I wouldn't be doing you justice. 

This weekend was something that I wanted for oh so long. I longed for it craved it wished it and it came. It wasn't so much a vice satiated as a fantasy playing itself out in all the right ways. I had a dream that brought me into the shadows and gave me a chill to tell me it might actually come true. It didn't. When you can defy surrealism you found in a dream with people with friends with family, that's when you can tell yourself you've come very very far. So far far away. This was something I did and you could say it's pride that's making me so happy ecstatic joyful but I would say it's more of an after-glow of an amazing weekend that's keeping everything so strong inside me. Did I mention that it almost happened?

All the chaos on account of me reminds me of freedom reminds me of her but mostly reminds me of you. I look back on it a million times and you're the one on my mind. You're the epitome of all the crazy insane free things. Like a symbol in the clouds that you pick out and tell yourself it's the new divinty. That was how I used you. I told myself early early on that you would be everything that would make me happy and weeks later you became that for me. My platypus shaped cloud, my new divinity.

This weekend was a great success. We partied we laughed we cried we had touch. It was all your senses opened out into your pores so that they could absorb all the experiences and dead set them into your memory. The deep seated happiness that everyone wants to be able to look back on when their gold fish dies. It would only make sense that these experiences, the ones that embody the loss of order, are the ones that you look back on when a gold fish dies because for a lot of people getting up in the morning to feed that simple mind is all the order and routine you really have.

Oh you you you. I can't exactly get you off my mind now. But I like that. We hung out like normal people and we did things like normal people and we were normal people. It was surprising because we're so irregular and we like to move move digress, but we were normal people for a night because we had become so comfortable with each other. Don't let the word normal take away from the experience, it was more than reading doing homework hoping the superbowl didn't get over. It was more like the coming of the normality in a relationship, the ability to be so comfortable with each other you can be yourself. To allow the mundane to become a part of who you are with the one you love shows you that you can actually be with them as yourself. We were normal normal mundane as a grey shirt with no stains and a ham sandwich.

There's a few stains on the floor now but I'm not upset. I was too busy to enjoy too much at my own thing so now I'll look back on those stains and I'll know I was somehow part of it and how I somehow will be part of it forever and always embedded in memory. I feel like an enabler, but giving them a reason to let go and the oppurtunity to do so isn't so much of a sin. I don't really feel all the bad at all. It was worth it. That's what I mean.

I don't really know what the future holds for me now. I'm still not comfortable in my skin, but I'm getting there. I've got to keep moving on. There's not a whole lot more to it. I think I've applied to university. It's how I do, it's how I want to become part of the big scary world. It's how I want to be free and happy and careless and careful all in the same light. I'll be living with Quinn, if all goes right, in a proper dorm with proper things and healthy food. The meal plan simply won't do for both of us. I think that's the rub for us. A meal plan. We're both incredibly individual individuals and if we don't do our own thing it's going to be a calamity wrapped up in some whole wheat flax seed bread. Here we go though. To the free post.

It's over now, I've got to go to school, but I want to remember that night forever. Right now, in this moment is like a sunset, the end of one section of my life and break out into the next. A flip of a coin turn of a crank evolution of the mind. Dive in.

"No one ever said that hope would be so beautiful."

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