Friday, January 16, 2009

Cross multiply and Carry

Cold and dark is the way it is outside with a hint of glory to bask in. I just got home and I'm feeling like a not so drunk. I can't believe it's been so long since I've been in a wrong state, and honestly I miss the out of control I get. Could I do this again? I know I could and I want to I need to I can't. I think I have a moral obligation to no do it anymore because of something something something I lost it. But that's not important. What's on my mind is that I'm suddenly not good enough for my own mother my own family my own friends it seems. Can I remedy this with some suddenly tenacious bursts of compassion for them? Am I really that selfish?

I was home all day cozy and warm playing a game I really like. Quinn Jordan Twinkee Adam got it for me. I play it all the time. That's besides the point though I suppose because I promised to let you know what it is that is bothering me. I may not have promised before, but I certainly am now, so listen close close. It was mom. Of course. Have you heard me complain about her before? I'm about to again so don't get to excited. What happened was she told me that I was selfish and not good enough and not five minutes went by that she wasn't angry about me for something.

Selfish Selfish Dramatic

These words keep popping up every time I talk to her and I can't find it possible to stand it much longer. Can I leave leave get out? I wish I could but I can't find the strength in my legs and my lungs and my heart to just throw myself out the door. It's a to be or not to be crisis that I can't fix because I don't know what it'd be like out there in the big scary lonely world. Can I ask some one? Does any one know? Just tell me because I'm not scared to hear it. If it's not so bad harsh real I might actually try it for awhile and chronicle my journey into the outside world. The big harsh scary real outside world.

Tell me tell me please.

Not to digress but we were talking about sweet dear mother bear. She's not so much terrible to me as unbearable. We can't talk anymore and I don't think she knows that she hurts. Like the picture of young and innocent me that reminds her of me reminds her of hugs reminds her of innocence. I can't be him anymore and for that I'm terribly sorry. But you cried. You cried cried sobbed on it and told me how you did so. It hurts to know I'm not making you feel like a loved mother. I'm a loving son. But moving on moving on keeping going. She's yelling a lot now. Calling me selfish but I don't know where this comes from. It's because I go out I think. Like Liz's parents did. It's because I'm having fun like a never used to. And don't blame yourself for this because no one else will because it's not your fault because I like being with you.

I think it might be the abandon

Why do I always refer to it as abandon? It's not abandoning anything but actually seeing my friends more. I have one free night a week give me it. And then there's family family family. It's not my fault that he doesn't fit in with them that they don't necessarily like him that he can awkward. Now my fault not his fault don't blame anyone. I worry about it though a lot. I worry a lot. Worry. You used to worry, is that why I worry? who cares don't listen who's listening. I try to be close to my family. It's not like it's my fault that I don't have the same interests of you of them of my relatives. It's not my fault. Blame blame selfishness. Is this where it all adds up?

Selfishness + Family Functions - Time with friends = ____________

Figure it out

I can't do it. I'm sorry I can't love everyone with a little tiny teeeensy bit of my blood in them like you do. It's not my nature not my element not me. Can I do it for them and be part of it. I really wish I could be. I miss liam, I feel bad for how I treated him but I'm coming back to me. I taught Vanessa how to bowl tonight. I showed Ben how to inhale helium and sound like he hadn't even hit pre-pre-pre puberty yet. It was fun. Rodney laughed. Mitchell Laughed. I missed it. She took me out of that selfish state. Can I stay there?

I guess it's better now. I changed myself to get my way. But is this why I'm selfish? Because I only love my family because I want something. She'd be happy with it though. Mom. I'm not complaining.

I'm friends with all of them again. "The girls".

It's strange even being able to talk to them all just because I spent ten minutes talking to Liz on MSN. It's no big deal. I just wanted to see how things were. It's not like I'm after her again and everything's going to be willie-nillie like it was. Sorry, I love Julianna, with all my heart now. Every square centimeter millimeter the unit small than the latter. Every little tiny-est winy-est bit of it. So don't think it's going to go back to how it always was. I'm just friends friends old friends.

Can they change?

They remind me of sick sick wrong sometimes. Sometimes. Some days.

Before I go. I miss her. I left her house tonight, and on her door step with kissed and said I love you and I couldn't picture my arms without her laying there with me while i drifted into a lonely sleep. Oh oh oh I want you here right now. I read your blog. I loved it adored it read it twice thrice.


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