Drop the ball

"You might as well be blind if seeing is believing" - If God Only Smokes Cheap Cigars, Envy on the Coast

It seems like sometimes you just can't help but drop the ball. Like everything's going good and then suddenly you end up screwing up regardlessly. I thought about this, a lot. Thought about the preservation of peace, the keeping of a good thing, and then I started to realize just how futile it must be. How impossible it would be to not make a mistake, because for some reason no matter how much any human being tries, something always seems to happen to ruin something that's been perfectly good. Some event takes place, some one just has to drop the ball.

If you look at human history, there are crests and troughs, there are inclines, declines and everything you can think of in the span of a simple wavelength. If you break that wave link down you can see the individual crests and troughs of individual civilizations, continents, races, ect. Theoretically you can see the direct cause of a particularly deep trough. You break down that wavelength and you start to get personal. At this point it would be barely visible, probably so minute in the actual scheme of things that no one seems to notice it happen at all, however if this small and microscopic part of the graph were not there, the rest of civilization wouldn't have a graph either. Anyone who feels insignificant, this is your chance to realize everyone's a part of the grand scheme. But I digress. When you get personal you start to see the individual crests and troughs of your own life, and then in breaking that down, the different events in your life that have influenced you.

Right now, I'm looking at the graph of something that's been running for almost a year now, and for some reason, my skill must be flawed. I see the crests stretch for days, weeks sometimes, rarely ever a month, and then some mistake of mine sends it plummeting again. It's because I always base the fault on myself. If you look back you can see in former posts that I went as far as seeing myself as a disease. This is still how I feel. I feel like I curb people's emotions because I make it alright for them to blame anything on me, and therefore they create more instances to lay more blame simply because it's the easiest thing to do. For the record, blaming yourself never really works, there's always some one else involved, because every event in our world is kinetic, and being kinetic requires a force and medium for the force to act through. For the record, you're never upset because of yourself, there's always something else there forcing you into your own hole.

For the record, even though I'm worried about her being worried about how my actions might play out next year, it still really bothers me that no one asks to hang out anymore, and that I'm almost always too worried to ask to do anything in fear of actually seeing that people don't like me anymore.

"Stutter as muttered, a startling repititous phrase" - The Gift of Paralysis, Envy on the Coast

Back to the stage please I bid you my willful disciples, so that you may see me now take a dive as you've never seen. Into a pit and into somewhere that I cannot assume. Something that will simply consume me. I am who I am but will I be him tomorrow? I could never tell you yes yes yes because that would be simply ridiculous. I am a man and man is bound to change, from ape to walking upright, to cutting fingers and selling sex at night. I can't tell you I'll always be me, that I'll always be walked over, it's just what I have to do.

Does anyone honestly believe that I don't get upset about things? Does anyone honestly believe that I'm actually that trusting? That I don't have all these insecurities too? Does anyone hear me when I say that I only am who I am because I'm afraid of tipping a gentle balance on the edge of fragile fingertips? I am who I am because I cannot confront and collapse a peace that I fight so hard to maintain. Passive and agressive, here is the martyr in me, take what you will and leave me with the pieces of what you decide you can decode with proper maturity.

I'm starting to falter, and I can feel it. Starting to feel my toes touch gravel and starting to feel my eyes burn with the breaching of the horizon. Bright and glowing red it comes and who knows if I can stop it. I just want to speak my mind, I just want to say everything I've always wanted to say to all the people who don't understand or who would be angry to hear.

A little girl told me today that she usually has everything in her brain, but at that moment in time, she had nothing. There was nothing in her brain and she simply didn't know what to do. This is what happens to all of us when there are too many words. It becomes a void of confusion and right now, my friends, my readers, my love. My brain is whole, open and empty.

The Nature of Man

It's amazing how we hold ourselves as human beings. It's not the way it once was, when chivalry existed and everything was exactly as it should be because everyone did their part. Every person had a role that they played because that was how it worked most easily. It amazes me now that I'm back in the roll of a part time worker as well as a full time worker. In this world, we have jobs because of the wide spread laziness. We have jobs because each man leaves behind a piece that must be cleaned up by some one else. We no longer have the opportunity to simply allow things to move as they should.

When one thing is left behind, it will eventually be moved by some one else. A job created simply to fix the neglect of another. It'll be forever like this, and it continues down, one man stands on another and another and another and it goes all the way down. Just as Atlas stands atop his turtle, and the turtle below that. Small actions weighted and transferred throughout the echelons of oft forgotten laborers. Some day, maybe we'll be able to see beyond all this, but as it stands, we as a people are lazy and require some one to clean the mess that we leave behind. It is our nature, and it always will be.

Another big part of our world, is that it is fueled forever by money. These small jobs are degrading, yet always met because of the need for money. Long before the french revolution and Voltaire, and long after Lafayette and his attempts to meld the mentality of the citizen and royalty, we have lived with a split personality. There will always be the upper and lower class, seldom melding together to meet a privileged few middle class men. If there was some way to get rid of all this, if there was some way we could come back into the ideal roots we once had, perhaps we could truly be happy again.

Don't think I'm preaching Marxism here, it's far from that. He may have got it right, but I could never truly know. If there was a way to tell, then I'm sure I would have looked into it, but sadly there is no way to simulate the motion of a world that is entirely socialist. Maybe someday we can predict how this capitalism will eventually destroy us, or maybe we can already see it as the rich plateau and the poor are too poor for them to feed off of. The graph that represents world presumed world population growth and many other things in nature, maybe very well represent how our economy is capping and falling.

If that isn't reason enough to be even a little bit scared, I don't know what is. Thing is, is our world will eventually feed itself into it's own economic and ecological death. Resources and money will run out, and the space tethers creating a new world in distant space will eventually fray and fail us. It's terrifying to me, but I'll probably be dead by the time any of this becomes reality.

If I could have it my way, I'd be working with these statistics already, going into engineering may be a bad choice, because the chemicals I'll be studying for efficiency will probably start to run out, and my life will become a race to find something to save us all from living in an empty world.

If you want my advice, if that's what you've come looking for, than I can offer very little. Just listen to these words, and try to heed them without hesitation. Do what is asked of you and more, leave nothing for the next person to finish for you, because if we can all try, even a little bit to help those below us, some how we may grow into a more compassionate and cohesive world. That way, in a small amount, we will grow and start running toward a better future. All of the ecological saving is helping, but it's not economy saving, and that's what we need to survive. It's psychological saving that needs to be put out there to help each person become who they must be to work coherently with the language of a unified world.

Symphonic

It makes me a little bit sad that the new song had such small reception, it's like I bleeding into a niche that has long since been deemed obselete. Part of me wants to look back and just quit, because a lot of the effort I've been pumping out has been resulting in nothing, but at the same time I'm inspired by the few people who have taken their time to go on and give me props. It means a lot if only a few people really enjoy what I do, because I do it because I love it, not because I want everyone to like it.

Simply said, I'm going to trying more and more to put something out there that everyone can enjoy and take in. I want to make something absolutely beautiful, something that will make people go back and put it on loop. It's the way I felt when I heard beautiful music, it's the same emotion that I got when I felt the effort they put into the song. You can feel it, and you can hear it. If it's any consolation, I did almost 100 takes trying to get the harmonies right. I just want it all to be perfect so that everyone that hears it can understand just how deeply I feel about the music that I'm making.

If you want the lyrics, I'll post the composite version of them here, however they were altered a little bit on account of the rythms I use in the song, so don't take them as biblical literature.

I Might

Sweet disguise

Another day

Of different kind

You will be

All I ask

All I need

Poison to me

I need

Satisfy the primal urge

Strengthed by the growing surge

I make a request

At the fall of night

I bleed in innocence

To fall, I might

Pray tonight

For sincerity

Of a sinful kind

Plentiful

This horrowshow embrace

Sentimental

Crippled and incased

I make a request

At the fall of night

Sweet sentient chest

Soft rhythmic tight

So there you have it, the lyrics and the meaning of the song you may or may night end up listening to. Maybe it'll help you like it a little bit more? Which ever, at least the message and the emotion is out there in another way that I enjoy to express myself in. Spoken word, written word, lyrics, poetry, some of the things I can use to extract the images from my brain. Once again, I wish I were a photographer, because I could give you an image to go with all of this, but sadly the image is trapped in my head because I chose the path of the musician.

If this was dungeons and dragons, I'd be a lone bard with a lute and a pen. Safe to say that I wouldn't be doing too much to a dragon, but I could sure as hell ring in some high quality gold from a select few people.

I wish it weren't true, but I think the music scene is slowly dying. If you listen to Simple Plan's new song, you can feel how synthetic it is. Now don't let me take away from a good synth player, it's just strange to hear a band that was once organic, be metamorphed into a band of computers. It's imagination transfered to the computer, transfered to sound. It's missing one important component, which is the human component. To me, nothing technologically perfect is actually music, it's the small flaws and the unnecessary undertones in harmonics that you hear in songs that truly makes it music.

If I could sacrifice the little part of myself that worries about everyone else liking what I do, then maybe I can actually start to write music exactly as it is supposed to be. There will always be time to improve it, and there will never be a true finish point, because in reality, when you love something deeply, there is no end. There will always be a future, and the same thing goes for a piece of music.

For me and Julianna, I can see the same thing, a distant and opaque future. There's nothing completely for sure about it, but I'm sure it's love so I know that there will be no perceivable end until that love runs out. If it does, though I have my doubts at this point that it really ever will. We're dynamic, and as Splash Gordon so lovingly put it, we compliment each other perfectly. A piece of music, a girlfriend, it's all much the same thing with different skin.

So as I usually do, I'll leave all of you a little piece of advice, once again this is provided that anyone actually makes it this far into the post. According to my statistics the average visit time on this site is roughly two minutes and thirty four seconds, so I'm not sure this will get seen at all. Anyway, what I have to say to any of my readers, is that you shouldn't try to percieve anything in incredible detail, just enough to know it and to make the neccesary assumptions. If you analyze all of the things in your life than you will never grow to love them and enjoy them.

Trying to know everything about everyone you know and everything you do takes all the mystery away, and in turn makes the future an endless list of repetition. People aside, this will make your mind turn on itself and abandon whatever it knows everything about first, simply because it's trying to save you from impending monotony in your life. So here I leave you with that. Make your life ambiguous and make you life full of love.

What can you possibly expect under this condition

There was point when I stopped caring about music, and I know it's terrible, because music has been everything that is my passion. Lately it seems like I'm picking the torch back up, there are little jotted down tabs in my moleskines and there are constantly notes flitting through my head. I'm always whistling something and recording it with my phone, it's directly along the lines of Beethoven's insanity in deafness, except I'm not as amazing as Beethoven, and I'm not deaf, however I'm getting there.

I think I should recount some of the things pushing me back to music. One would most definitely be December Fall Out. They've been doing all the things I would love to be doing, and I adore them for it. They've shown me that effort can get me exactly what I want, and by going to all of their shows and being one of their biggest fans I could say that I'm living vicariously through them. Trying to jump up on stage and sing harmony has made me a little bit more a part of everything I want to be. I'm trying as hard as I can to give as much as possible to Panda Farm so we can get there too, but it's getting harder and harder lately with all of us already feeling the strain of the inescapable hiatus that is going to happen in August.

Next, I can attribute some of this to Dan from Carpenter. He hung out with me and J for a little while at the DMCC show this past Sunday, and he was so down to earth, and still so concerned and caring for the people around him even though he was already broke and probably struggling to stay in high energy with his tour. Watching him play after he bought something for J and talked to us as friends even after just meeting us was an amazing experience, and I'll probably never forget it. Maybe he'll be around in Newfoundland to give me another little push in the right direction. I can only pray that's how it turns out.

I am committing a sin also played at that show on Sunday, and seeing their cohesive structure and hearing their beautiful harmony has made me once again, inspired to do what I've always wanted to do. It's just how right it feels being in touch with people who are living the dream that I've always wanted to live. The guitarists that I stood and watched in awe moments before actually unveiled their elusive pedal boards to me because of my interest. They talked to me like a peer because I think some how they knew that I would actually use the information they were imparting me with.

So maybe you'll see more from me musically in the future, it's a possibility, however I still have to get some momentum going again as far as writing music goes, it'll probably a little bit of a process getting that going again. I've been down and out for so long that I'm not sure I've got it in me to make things that will pertain to the interest of a broad enough audience. It's a worry I've always had when releasing something (even these blogs) and it surely hasn't gone away, if not it's doubled ten fold with my personal hiatus. I'm going to try though, that's exactly what's been lacking in my life, is an excessive amount of effort.

To anyone who's reading, I want you to try to reach out to the people who are living exactly as you would like to be. They don't have to be rich, they don't even have to be outwardly happy, I just want you to talk to the people doing exactly what it is you want to be doing, be it a local author, musician, photographer, just anyone. First off, give them as much appreciation as you can, because chances are, they were like you at one time and a little pat on the back is the least they deserve after all of their effort. Secondly, ask them how they did it, so that you can climb the steps the way that they did, and perhaps someday become like them. Talent usually has a lot to do with fame sadly, so sometimes they won't have much of a story to tell, sometimes it's purely by accident, but if you catch some really good advice, it'll go a long way.

Thirdly, live a little through them, ask them about their experiences, about the journey they made to get to where they are. They'll probably have a good story to tell, and through that you can either figure out that you really want to do it, or maybe it's just not the right thing for you. I know I was turned away from my job as an electrical engineer when I found out that an EE program leader has been delegating tasks for a mobile network at Aliant. That has nothing to do with what I want to do, and even though it pays well, that's not the life that I want to lead.

Give it a try, I promise your appreciation will be well heeded, and chances are (so long as you aren't audacious) you'll be greeted with the same appreciation. It's all a hard thing to do, I understand, because hesitation is often bred by exclusive recognition, but if you're lucky, you'll be able to see through your shy side and really dig deep with your "idol".

If there was something worth knowing

I'd like to say I'm mad upset scared, but at this point I'm not sure if I have the right to be. There's a lot of things that I can attribute to being naive in the first place, to never pulling the leash in fear of pushing some one further away. I know I trust people too easily, make them my friend as fast as possible in hopes that they'll not stab me in the back in the future, but how has that ever worked. When I'm not around I'm simply not around and there's nothing I could do to defend any one or myself.

It's the way it's always been, I'm pushing myself to be so compassionate, but at the same time I don't know if it's working. Would you hurt me if you knew I was trying to be a good guy? I'm not sure it matters to everyone, even the ones I know so well. That's probably what worries me the most now, is that deep down somewhere I know and yet I'll never drive the point home hard enough to actually get my point across to someone. The worst part is, is that even now that I know I probably won't do anything because I don't want to believe it happened at all, I don't want to tarnish any one's image for me or for anyone else.

I've always been like this, and I probably always will be, just nice and naive enough to keep everyone at arms length and looking at me in positive light, but who knows if that'll ever be enough. I am who I am for I reason though I suppose, the neuron bridges with the acid in the way it's supposed to and even though it's tempered, who says it'll ever change completely. I just accept people despite reputation and warning.

I won't let anyone get so close to me again, I'm not that naive anymore, but maybe that's not the only thing I have to worry about. Actually, there is no maybe, of this I'm sure. If there was something that was worth knowing, it would be truth. I know I don't sing the last part of those lyrics, and it often doesn't even pertain to this situation, it was linked initially to adoption, but now that ever sung chorus means more in my life. To think I would keep something a secret on purpose, is defiling everything I've built up as my personality. It's just not who I am.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't anger, this isn't bitter, like I said before, I don't deserve to feel like that. I'm long over it, even though I've found out only recently. It's far far in the past, but it scares me only a little bit, because what's to stop the next CS or JE from doing the same thing again. It'll probably always be there, and I'd love to blindly trust every person I meet, and chances are it'll be unconditional trust for a little while, but I can't go on forever assuming my actions will in turn temper everyone else's.

It's simply not the way of the world, and I don't want you all to think that way. I know there's a million nice guys out there, and a million nice girls (though most don't act the same way, they're smarter than that) and we simply have to stick together for each other. If something happens, and it shouldn't be happening, tell the nice guy, nice girl, because chances are they don't see it. It's just them blindly assuming everything's okay, and no one's out to hurt anyone or anyone's anyone by association. I'm not throwing innocence around, it's just as much fault of the naive party, but don't be blunt. Be there for them.

For any one out there who is overly benevolent and especially so to those who they feel they don't trust, you can drop the facade, you can let it all go, because now, at this point in my life I'm starting to realize the falsehood and the pain it causes. We have to be ourselves, and we have to wear our insecurities sometimes so that others don't take advantage of our lack of action in the past. They think we'd never strike, never take to arms and battle through any injustice on some one else's part. Nice guys, and nice girls, we are here, and we're done with being trampled over.

Inspiration

"Inspiration on demand, emotions all displaced" - Inspiration on Demand, Shadows Fall

Money has suddenly become an issue in my life, or rather, it's suddenly being demanded of me to take my time and be frugal. This has led me to take on two jobs at the age of 18, one of which is full time and surely not passive income. I'd like to say I'm not worried about the future ahead, I'd like to say that it's not looming ahead of me with almost no chance of being bright, but if I said those things, I'd probably be lying. I'm going to be a little bit stressed out, and even more than a little bit worried about how it's all going to turn out. It's true, I do have a smart head on my shoulders, but that won't pay my way until I'm out of university.

All of this talk about the future led me to think some strange things, as, I do over think almost everything I do.I started to think about passion, and the passion of man in general. One night, weeks ago, I sat down with my mother and expressed to her the fear I have that my run is over, and that I'll slowly make my way to 30 without doing what I love, and that I'll be severly in debt and worry only about money. Of course she told me I was too young to think like that, but reality says it's probably true. I'm going to be an engineer in four years, but something about that doesn't sit right with me. It's not what I love.

Why I'm becoming what I am is because it's safe, it's the right thing to do. Or is it? Honestly, there is about as much chance of me getting a high paying job as an engineer as there is of getting a high paying job as a musician. I'm thinking now that I took the "safe path" thinking the wrong thing. It's not truly a safe path, simply the one most troden. If I had the strength, if I weren't so fatigued by routine and pressure, I might turn back to the turning point I more or less missed. I might contemplate a little more deeply which path I should've taken. There are probably as many pharmacists in this city as there are successful photographers or photo editors.

I want to play guitar for the rest of my life, and I want to be a father. I want to do two of the things I've always wanted to do. Going to university won't change that, and after I get my bachelor's, maybe I'll have the chance to take the path I never took, but I can't see it happening. Once you're finished you're tied to a post and it's hard to get the momentum up to try again. I can say it's mostly my fault that I'm not already a popular musician, there simply isn't enough effort on my part. I wish there was, and I wish I could say I tried as hard as I could, but I didn't. I let it die because it wasn't safe, and it hadn't got me anywhere before. What I need is group of people who share my passion, right now, so we can catch up on some lost time.

"Whoa oh, you're right or you're wrong" - Who Watches the Watchman, The Prize Fighter Inferno

I was at a show last night, in the heart of the scene, and the emotions and incredible fraternity I felt there was like no other. I felt like I was in the midst of what I'd always wanted to do. I see the bands touring who come through starving but happy, and I feel so much envy for them. I wish I could do that so much, if only for a little while.

I know you all worry about all of this, you all ask the question "Have I done the right thing?" But now, if you have the chance, please take my advice, and stop waiting, because that's what I'm doing. Your dream won't chase you, infact it's running, so don't give it a headstart, and chase what you want right now. If you want to keep waiting, putting it off until you are "ready", stop waiting, because I know from experience that there's no such thing as "ready". You have to dive in head first or you'll lose. I'm already half way down in the deep end, but now I'm going to start my ascent, and you can all look for me, because I'm sick of being like everyone else. I'm sick of not being the individual I'm destined to be regardless.

My music is who I am, not an engineer. Me and my guitar are a symbios, not me and my graphic calculator. Just sick sick sick of waiting because there is no ready, so here I come.

Hate Mail

If you haven't noticed, I've been trying a little less hard to be perfect. If you've noticed, it matters a little less to me if everyone likes me. If you've noticed, you probably like me a little less. It seems like lately I'm weeding out all the people that don't actually like me, the people that don't actually like to be around. If you've noticed, I've almost completely stopped getting the few text messages asking me to just hang out. If you've noticed, I think I have a few less friends now, which is sad, but I guess if I have to push and ask to spend time with everyone, I'll end up spending no significant time with anyone.

"A friend to all is a friend to none" - Aristotle.

If there's been a time when I really wish everyone was on my side, it would have to right now now now, but if you noticed, my side is getting less and less full of people. It seems like an enternity ago that I actually had some one that didn't really need me for something. I think I've got a few left, but the door's been open for awhile, and all I've felt is a slow breeze filtering out. Don't think this is for pity, don't flood me with compassion, because it's overdue, and at this point I'm not sure who's where and who should be where they are.

I know I'm a busy person, I know this is probably mostly my fault, but it's strange the side of people that you see. It's strange that you see the side you saw before in a completely different light now that you're on the side of me where the grass is greener and you're out of my seldom used claw's reach. I'm standing here, waiting, but who knows what might happen if any of us ever got close again.

Here I was naive, thinking graduation wouldn't be so bad, that I wouldn't drift slowly away from each other on the ocean of reality that's coming flooding in. With sails filled with pride we're drifting faster than normal, and it seems like the only direction to choose is away. Off we'll go and in the fading image we'll catch a glimmer of what once was. We'll catch each other at the 10, 15, 25 year reunions, look back on what we all had. Right now is that gap between memory and the future. Right now is that part that almost everyone forgets anyway.

"Throwing punches, at ocean waves" - The gift of paralysis, Evny On the Coast.

I've gotten calls from restricted numbers the last couple of days, and every time I sort of hope it's some one I haven't talked to in a long time, some one who wants to just be friends like we used to be, but it sort of never is. Again, this isn't for pity, don't call me. I wonder if I'm pushing people away, subconciously holding everything at arms length to keep them just far enough away to let go a little bit easier, once again, it would be subconcious, it's not like I'm going to remember today, yesterday of the distant tomorrow anyway, at least not when reunion time comes around.

I've got about a million things I'd love to share with the world, roughly give or take a million, but I don't think any of it will get out there, because at this point I don't know if anyone's listening. If any one actually cares anymore unless I'm saying something malignant about some one else. Do we thrive on spite so much that we love to see them suffer through some one elses words? I think not. For those of you I have said something terrible about, I could say I'm sorry if I was, but I shared my feelings exactly as they were, and that's something I seldom do. If you feel differently about me because of it, then do so. As I said, I'm trying a little less to make everyone like me. It's a little less important to me right now.

"Come to you so clearly, but you don't want to hear me." - Nobody's Listening, Linkin Park.

The world is ready to accept me but I don't know if I can accept it right now. Looking into the thirty year old eyes of myself I wonder what it is exactly that I'm thinking feeling wishing. Do I still have friends? Have I found some sort of somber solace in my on solitude. Do I sit alone in a study with a notebook? I doubt it, I'm a socialite and heart and that'll never change, but I don't know who's in those eyes, which people have been carried in my heart. If I could retain some of the memory of what I have right now, I hope I carry with me this strange feeling. This strange emotion of a swaying screen door and the shouts of angry goodbyes.

As I walk out this door, who knows what could truly become of me, but is anyone looking back to check? I guess I'll find out at the 10, 20, 25 year reunion.

Moleskine

Today I decided that I was going to carry a moleskine around with me everywhere I go. For a lot of reasons, one because they make you look sophisticated, two because they're the coolest notebooks to write in on account of them absorbing fountain pen ink like immediately after it's written (seriously, test it, I get distracted sometimes when I'm writing because of the constantly changing shade of ink) and last of all because I always have strange and sometimes profound thoughts that I lose in a matter of moments.

When I look through the blank pages I immediately wish I could draw a little bit better, just to better portray the image in my head. Sometimes the words aren't enough and you truly need that image there, so maybe instead I'll start taking my dinky little digital camera around and sticking significant images in. Quite frankly I'll look like some sort of stalker with the photos I'll be taking, but with consensus from the person whom will be presented, I might actually give of a better impression. In the end though, it would give me more satisfaction if I could jot down a quick sketch of exactly what it is I'm seeing, distorted by my mind's eye. Sometimes what we see exactly through our eyes isn't exactly what is being portrayed through our head.

What I'll be writing will generally be a play on semantics. Taking the things I say and playing word games with them. Simple situations, taken and made deities to me. Put on a pedestal to be inspected and commented upon. I feel like it might actually make life less interesting sometimes, if I take every possible situation and pick it apart in my little moleskine, but at the same time, I'll enjoy ever dot of ink I spill onto those pages. It'll be my own small philosophy on the pages of a book. Something some one some day might actually read and enjoy, and if not enjoy, dissect themselves, the way I once dissected things.

I suppose this whole writing thing will build on my hamartia of trying to see things for so much more than they are, and having unnecessary compassion, however, something inside me still churns and aches for me to do it anyway. It's like a primal instinct that has been instilled in me the way that lust is instilled in most, I just don't want to forget all the things I'm seeing thinking dissecting anyway.

Someday I'll never remember any of this, and I hope that I can gain back at least an ounce of it through my scrawled writing in a little moleskine.

A little lack of innocence

I've got a new job as a playground supervisor, and I must say it's been somewhat of a growing experience. I've seen all of these kids run around and see wreckless abandon with absolutely no hesitation to participate. It seems as though they all truly see the world clearly and innocently, it's the way I used to see people who had yet to wrong me. Something inside me has been changing, but I still retain that quality from when I was a child, and I hope to never lose it, because it seems to be somewhat helpful and more compassionate.

I envy them, but at the same time I feel terrified for how naive they all are. It's as if they act in the way they've been told to, but still in only the hypothetical sense that they training provided presents. I feel that if they were truly in a situation where they would have to act in one way to save a life, maybe even their own, they would falter and prehaps end up in much more danger than before.

There are situations where I worry that the compassion some of the kids have is severly lacking. Such is the case with the small girl I have who just hours ago told all of her peers that she had lice, and that they should stay away from her. Such a cry for attention is painful, and even more painful in her case. She is quite likely the victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and was once the daughter of parents who heavily abused narcotics of the worst kind. They eventually were drawn out of the picture, and now she is in the custody of what seems like two apathetic grandparents. I feel horrified for her, because when the real world begins, the problems will only multiply.

Luckily, I don't have all bad thoughts at the present. Currently I'm incredibly inspired to play something more advanced, more meaningful. If you have ever listened to Buckethead's electric tears album, or Hessian Peel by Opeth, you can see exactly what I'm aiming for. The ominous and brooding effect on a light and eerie guitar. It'll most likely be recorded right here in my room, and I'm not even sure if I'll sing on them, I just want to start putting my ideas out there, because right now they're burning a hole in my head.

As a foot note of post script, I want to mention that I can't wait to leave this city.

Why do all girls think they're fat?

I know it's strange to say, but I feel bad for every girl who's so incredibly self-conscious that they drill themselves into the ground. Sometimes it's hard to battle against insecurity for a strained acceptance, but something inside me tells me that it's so much more than just insecurity for all of them. Battered and destroyed by the media monster, it's hard for any of us to be pleased with the mirror on our wall, the reflection in glass, the bitten for compliments of a loved one. It would take so much more than that to satiate the dripping maw of superficiality, however, for every girl out there who can't stand to look at herself in the mirror, I have a few words for you.

First of all, I don't want to seem biased on one side of the metabolic pendulum, however, it is true that I have more experience being compassionate with a certain type, as I myself fit in that category. For all of us who are slightly overweight or feel to be as such, I'm talking to you. I sympathize, but part of me is starting to accept it for a psychological reason. Every guy, if any are reading this, I want you to put aside your aching materialistic instincts right now and heed more words, as I feel there is apt wisdom behind them.

Now, before we begin, take into mind your stomach. Let it out, and breathe deep. We're about to pay it appreciation.

Being part of the lower metabolic isn't always such a terrible thing, because most times it comes with a gift of personality. A boy will see it and think a million things before ultimately fearing for judgement of his fears (which can be easily be put aside if you have the right friends). He will see that you're not twig thin, and this will make him feel a little nice inside, because to him this means a lot of things. Firstly, he'll realize he's not a twig himself, and he's confident enough in himself, and therefore he knows you may share equal confidence, and we all know how attractive confidence is. This is sub-conscious, so he may think of it as a strange emotion, but trust me, it is attraction. After that, he'll see that it means a lot of different things. He'll see your composure, which, could either be shy and insecure or poised and polite (though usually not ignorant).

He'll take that composure and stockpile it as information on one of his many neuron bridges. After this, he'll realize sub-consciously that you'll openly enjoy food with him, because you're not insanely obsessed with an eating disorder in order to lose weight. This will be more attractive to him than you could ever imagine. Don't worry, flaunt it.

After this, and finally, he'll slowly start to let any insecurity of his own go, because he knows you won't judge him, you'll take him for who he is, because even though innately (on account of our instinct to breed into good metabolic genes) you're both shallow, you know that you'll click a lot better on account of the personality which a tiny cute belly entails.

So girls, please please don't suck in and stop eating in front of guys in fear that it'll make them dislike, if anything, it'll make them feel more comfortable and act like themselves around more easily. Even though everything I mentioned happens in nearly the first few moments of the first sight, it's also a building thing. Just keep eating with them and showing them that you can be just as much fun as they are, and for the love of god, don't think that it's going to put you in the friend zone, because if they're that close to you, chances are they think you're beautiful.

If you think you're too big, honestly, take the test, it's what made me lose enough weight to become a healthy weight (but don't worry, I kept my tummy).

BMI Calculator

So here we stand

In the mess of all of this, I'm standing here staring at a blank screen and slowly realizing that I'm not going to be able to come up with a way to make everyone come to my site and some how generate some sort of small internet fame. I'm simply not good enough at anything to just throw it on the internet and have a million people pick it up. I think that's what I have to look for. I've posted about this before, so I know I sound like a broken record, and I think I'll just stop now because I don't want to be redundant.

There's some things I've discovered over this little holiday, frantically searching for parties. One of them, is that, parties are incredibly hard to find in this city. This is on account of the flurry of fingers texting everyone else asking where the party is, instead of deciding to just have one themselves in one of the many obscure party places that this city offers. Now, I can't complain too deeply, because I'm one of these people. Anyone in Saint John can fess up right now, I know you all probably did it tuesday night too, if you weren't busy with Joel Plaskett, or even so, you were probably all a little tempted by an after party. Anyway, if you live east, and you were doing this, trying to find a place to party with friends, let me give you a few places that have yet to get busted under my reign (though terribly small).

1. The Rez (but be discrete)

Honestly, there might not be any easier place to just simply duck into and disappear. I spent almost all of my childhood here, and it's not too hard to just find a spot to sneak away to. Don't stay right out into the open, delve into the old clearing where the fish hatchery once stood. Find the four wheeler dug trail and just climb through the branches until you have your own personal and private clearing for all of you and your fellow party searchers.

Protip - Black smoke producing fires gets a lot of attention. Stay away from the heavy plastics.

2. Florida Beach (Spotability = Hard)

This is a tough one, because it's a ways out there, i.e. out of cellphone service far, so you'll need a friend who's been there before to point out the way. It's pretty much way way out the loch lomond road, and then a little bit further out, and then count a few kilometers, then you're just about there. Needless to say, fill up on gas aswell as booze before this little outting. Anyway, regardless of who you are, or who you're affiliated with, you'll fit in somewhere on one of the many different sites Florida beach provides. There are areas where hundreds of people hide away and have massive bonfires, and there are sites where the meekest and mildest may gently sip their coolers and feel some intense "first time drunk" kind of warmth around a small fire with just friends. Basically, it's a great spot. Check it out.

3. Your own backyard

If you're almost of age, and your parents know you drink anyway, why not just pop the question and have some people over. Chances are they know you're going to a party to get drunk anyway, so why not give them the satisfaction of knowing that if a stomach pump is required, that they're at least the first ones to know. Of course this option is touchy, because sometimes trust varies, and sometimes parents vary, so if you've got a high embarassment factor on your hands, you might want to refrain from this, and if you don't want to deal with the clean up in the morning, you may have a better bet with option 1, however, if you've got your alcohol and you're just desperate, hit up your own backyard for a bonfire, or your basement for a drunken movie night and chat-fest, it's mellow but it's doable.

Protip - Your parents probably know how good/bad you are, even if they don't let on, so don't be too afraid to approach them with this option, in fear that they might freak over it.

4. Public

Okay, here's an interesting thing to do. We've got just enough places open around the east side to sneak into a bathroom and get drunk, and I'll tell you know, wandering around the suburbs while your drunk. Woods, backyards, and so many different places to drunkenly vandalize. Come on now, it's just calling out to be done. Maybe give it a try for fun sometime. Pass up that cushy house party and take a journey. Man up and hit the east side some time.

Protip - Journing around the east side can be fun on foot, but for the love of god don't get shit faced and drive around. I don't condone that shit at all. It's just not smart guys.

Anyway, that's basically all I've got right now, but I'm sure I'll see more of this city during the summer, I'm already sort of getting to know the North End on account of a certain special some one, and with my new picture in hand I think I'll be making my way through uptown's finest on a golden carpet. Well maybe no golden carpet, but I'll surely be having a blast. I'll make sure to do another post like this when I can. For those of you who read, have fun this weekend!