You are a syndrome.
It seems like every person you touch, every one you get close to, they just spiral spiral spiral down down down. It's like a nice little example of the golden ratio bleeding out of everyone anyone all the ones you love. All the ones who are close enough to you, they just spin and spiral out. Down down down. Sir, the unfortunate symptom that goes along with you is severe and utterly un-coincidental misfortune. Sir, this means that you will cause peoples lives to take very strange turns in very strange directions. Everyday will be the longest day of the week for them because of this little syndrome you are. Sir, are you getting all this.
It seems like your little shit covered Midas' Touch is just doing the same thing it always does, it goes around and it makes sure everyone around you is so upset. It makes sure that they are absolutely miserable, particularly when you're around. Did I mention that everyone has this tendency to be incredibly miserable when you're around? Sir, it seems that another symptom of you, is static depression. It's called static depression because it doesn't move, it just keeps people in a sad, and angsty limbo. Sir, static depression is certainly not something even I would wish on some one. Sir, would you like me to repeat anything?
Am we clear sir?
Now, Sir, we're going to have to come up with an appropriate name for you. Whenever a syndrome is serious like you are, we have to quarantine you off, and make people aware of your existence. Today you are unknown disorder, tomorrow you are a malaria, the next day you are an OCD. Today you are a Turner's Syndrome, tomorrow you are a Small Pox, the next day you'll be something completely new and exciting. Sir, are you getting all this? Today you'll be a SARS, tomorrow you'll be Accidental Abortion, the next day you'll be, well you get the picture. Sir you're going to be called Cee Syndrome, C Syndrome, 3.8E8 Syndrome. Sir, am I coming off clearly?
You're like the speed of light. When things get close to you, they fuck up. Dilation of all things, the metaphysical fucking up of everything. Sir, do you understand that you cannot be close to people. You just have to understand this. Sir, are you getting all of this?